Thanks so much for your response. We've actually been going through mediation for a few months now. I was reluctant about it through the whole process, but like you said, it is a much nicer process. Unfortunately though, we are hung up on all the money issues now. While I do want my marriage to work, I also have to make sure that if it doesn't, I have enough money to be able to take care of my sons. Right now, I am living in my grandmother's house, but unfortunately that might not last. Given day care expenses ($2400 a month--yikes!), I won't have enough money for rent. His current child support will not come close to making a dent in our expenses! So I'm kind of in a bind here. Not sure if the courts would make it any better though.
To give you some more info about our situation--I'm really not sure why he left when he did. He wasn't really "present" at all during my pregnancy (which was a bit of a surprise for both of us--and not the best timing for both emotional and financial reasons). At 8 months or so, he announced that things would have to change dramatically in order for him to stay. At that point, we saw a marriage counselor three times, but he was already "done" before that even started. The night he walked out, we had had another stupid fight about nothing and in the heat of it all, I told him if he was going to leave anyway, then just to leave. I totally regret saying that now, although, I'm quite sure that it probably would have happened anyway. He felt at the time that this was the best for all of us. He was having health issues (high blood pressure, heart issues) and he was always raging mad, we had fought in front of our kids as well and he thought that this would be better. As some more background, his family has been divorced/remarried numerous times (his dad--3 times, his mom--2 times). On the otherhand, my family, while definitely not perfect, is still together. I'm not sure that this makes a difference or not, but I think he sees it like he's doing ok, so our kids will be ok too.
The really hard thing though, is that he is totally sending mixed messages these days. Inviting me to dinner, calling just to "chat" with me (which he did again last night), but then still talking about divorce. I just don't know if I have enough time to show him that things could be different between us. I just don't know how far I should pursue this. I know you said that sometimes it takes the divorce to move forward in our relationship, but I'm not sure I can hang on that long. I really think that at the point this is finalized, I have to start moving on in my life, even if that's not what I want to do.
