At this point, I don't really know what to do. Maybe I have started this way too late, maybe things can't change at this point, but I am refusing to give up. I just need some encouragement and support here that what I am doing isn't crazy!
My husband and I have been together for almost 13 years, and have been married for almost 7 years. We have two wonderful little boys, 2 1/2 and 6 months. He walked away 10 days after my youngest son was born (great timing!). To give some background, he and I were actually almost done mediating our divorce (against my wishes--but didn't feel like I could do anything to stop it), but recently we have definitely been reconnecting--actually right before I started reading Michelle's books and talking to the coaches.
On one hand, when we are together things seem to be completely "normal" and we have been spending time together as a "family", and time together as a "couple" (including being intimate again). He calls me at night, invites me to dinner, agrees to go out for coffee with me, etc, but in the very next breath, he is pushing for divorce. Telling me that while he definitely is enjoying being with me right now, he doesn't think that it will ever "work" for the long term. He says he has felt extremely hurt and rejected by me for so long that he doesn't think he'll ever be able to get over the anger he feels. But then he turns around and encourages me to change his mind. Despite that, he has given me Tuesday as a deadline to decide whether we will continue with mediation (we have been going for a few months) or have to go to court to finalize the divorce. Although he says that if we change change our minds (read: if HE changes his mind), then we can stop the divorce at that point. I just don't know what to do...if we end up in court, things will definitely get pretty bad. In mediation, we got hung up on money issues--child support, alimony, etc, so I'm pretty sure that things won't be too pleasant if we have to go to court. This clearly won't be good for reconciling, but I don't have any power to stop this.
I just don't know what to do at this point. I started this feeling like I had some power and that I could influence our relationship in a positive way, but right now, I'm feeling extremely weak and needy. My heart is so tied up in this right now that I'm not thinking straight. I don't want to have my heart broken again, but I feel like engaging him in this "relationship" is just going to hurt me in the end if he does not agree to reconcile and pushes for the divorce. My friends and family think I am crazy and I'm beginning to wonder whether I am.
Please help! Any encouragement and advice on how to handle this situation that is SO close to being finalized is greatly appreciated!
First off, sorry that you are here....but welcome.
Secondly, I am not sure quite what to say. I am happy to hear about another person who is willing to fight for their marriage, but in the same sense, not sure what to tell you.
It is difficult. Sometimes, they need the D to close one aspect of the relationship and to open the door to another, even though it might be with the same person.
In my unprofessional opinion, I would try the mediation route first. It is better and nicer. But having said that, you might be able to get what you need, without seeming bi*chy by using the courts. But that is another topic.
Hang in there! This forum is full of very very very supportive people who are willing to give you some honest answers which is great. Sometimes we need to be told that we are stupid, right?!
Whichever route you take, please keep us informed. Curious about your situation further...why he left when he did for example?
CIAZ M 7/97 S 5/05 D 8/06 Both 33 years old No kids
Thanks so much for your response. We've actually been going through mediation for a few months now. I was reluctant about it through the whole process, but like you said, it is a much nicer process. Unfortunately though, we are hung up on all the money issues now. While I do want my marriage to work, I also have to make sure that if it doesn't, I have enough money to be able to take care of my sons. Right now, I am living in my grandmother's house, but unfortunately that might not last. Given day care expenses ($2400 a month--yikes!), I won't have enough money for rent. His current child support will not come close to making a dent in our expenses! So I'm kind of in a bind here. Not sure if the courts would make it any better though.
To give you some more info about our situation--I'm really not sure why he left when he did. He wasn't really "present" at all during my pregnancy (which was a bit of a surprise for both of us--and not the best timing for both emotional and financial reasons). At 8 months or so, he announced that things would have to change dramatically in order for him to stay. At that point, we saw a marriage counselor three times, but he was already "done" before that even started. The night he walked out, we had had another stupid fight about nothing and in the heat of it all, I told him if he was going to leave anyway, then just to leave. I totally regret saying that now, although, I'm quite sure that it probably would have happened anyway. He felt at the time that this was the best for all of us. He was having health issues (high blood pressure, heart issues) and he was always raging mad, we had fought in front of our kids as well and he thought that this would be better. As some more background, his family has been divorced/remarried numerous times (his dad--3 times, his mom--2 times). On the otherhand, my family, while definitely not perfect, is still together. I'm not sure that this makes a difference or not, but I think he sees it like he's doing ok, so our kids will be ok too.
The really hard thing though, is that he is totally sending mixed messages these days. Inviting me to dinner, calling just to "chat" with me (which he did again last night), but then still talking about divorce. I just don't know if I have enough time to show him that things could be different between us. I just don't know how far I should pursue this. I know you said that sometimes it takes the divorce to move forward in our relationship, but I'm not sure I can hang on that long. I really think that at the point this is finalized, I have to start moving on in my life, even if that's not what I want to do.
Hopeful, I will try to chime in with my own opinion. I have talked to a walkaway H (not mine) recently and it cleared a lot of things in my head regarding their thoughts and the mechanisms that are behind their actions. So to make a long story short, two things seem to come through your thread. One is that your H is very hurt and this emotion makes him push you away and not trust you. In the same time (this I know from the WH as well) deep down he might want you to fight for him and keep the marriage.
What I would suggest for you is to give him all the space he needs,GAL and work on yourself, but in the same time try to communicate towards him that you still love him. Not by words, but by actions. Be kind, considerate, like a zen buddhist who would never hurt anybody, and just radiates love. It is very hard, but you can start working in that direction. Being close to him right now gives you the advantage that you can show him that you are a "safe person" and his hurt will slowly diminish if you keep working on yourself and emanate love. Real love, not neediness, clinginess. That is how you get rid of the neediness. You will have time to think about your needs later. While talking about money matters you can still be firm and set your boundaries without being hateful. Just stick to what you want, formulate it clearly and eventually it will get through.
You are in a VERY good position to save your relationship (maybe not the marriage, but it doesn't matter, the R as I see it is very much saveable), so please read around as much as you can on this board, read the DR book again and again ... I really think there is so much hope for you. If you feel needy, try to work on yourself. Try to get yourself out of that state, read, make friends, find a hobby, because the only person who you can control is YOU and the only person who should have control over you is again YOU. You are being pulled back into the swirl, but you can act cool if you know that this is going to be a rough ride.
You are doing everything OK, don't loose it. You are going in the right direction, my advice is don't get hung up on the D. It makes you loose your cool. D is just a word. The R does not die with the D being final. Many people remarry after it and there is not so much you can do on that front besides trying to slow the process down without your H knowing it. But the smallest shift you can make in your attitude can take the whole M in a new direction.
I am sorry if my thoughts seem a bit incoherent, I just got back after a very long trip and I am still very tired. I am keeping my fingers crossed for you, you are doing very good, you are in a much better position than many of us here. Don't forget that. Never mind your relatives and friends, if you want to save your M, focus on the knowledge Michele gives you. If you can understand it,read it until you FEEL it, LIVE it, it will save you and most probably your M too.
ewe has some very good advice. Me and started to separate about a month ago. She was very scared about me taking our son and that she would never see him. Her comments about this would anger me. I have never threatened to do that to them or would I ever do that. But, the fear was she was feeling was not from something I had said or that she believed would keep him from her, but from the fear of being separated and her having to be out on her own. To ease her fear about our son I filed for the D so she would feel safe and protected. I filed even though I told myself that even in a thousand years of misery I would not ever file. She would have to. This act brought back a lot of trust into our R. She knew how much I was against a D, but saw that I took all the initiative to get one just to make her feel safe.
Right now I am working very hard (not easy at all) to give her her space and for me to GAL. Being that Zen Buddist that ewe mentions above. I am at more peace with our S and things between me and the W are a lot less tense and easier to coupe with. Things seem to be slowing taking a turn for the better.
“Do you want to be RIGHT or want to be LOVED” “You have to have a life to share a life with someone” “When you stop resisting, you start learning”
The link you sent was SO helpful, as has been all the words of encouragement! I'm trying to hang in there.
One of the things that has come up again and again between me and my H is that he does see that things are different between us. I've been trying to show him that and we have even talked a little about it, even though I have resisted for the most part. He's just scared that it won't last. We have been separated for 6 months now, so the little time we spend together has been really good. He's just scared that once we're back together under one roof that things will go right back to the way that it used to be. In the past, there have been these little "honeymoon" periods, which have later just spiraled downward. This time, I know that this is definitely coming from a different place, but I don't know how to make him understand that. I guess it will probably just take time. The difficult thing is that our relationship has always been good when we were apart--we lived long distance for four years while I was in college and he in the Marines. It was right when we first started living together that things started to go downhill. I attribute it to being young (23 when we moved in) and also being in the middle of planning our wedding. However, he sees it that we are great apart, but just can't live together. I just don't know how to get through to him if we aren't together--it sort of just fulfills his expectations.
Hopeful, if he already sees that things are different between the two of you, that is a great step. IMO all you have to do is to not prove him the contrary. Just stand the test of time, be consistent with your changes and prove him with your actions that you are a different person and you love him. Don't let your frustration get you sidetracked. You need patience - that word comes up in almost every thread on this board, and not by chance - and you need to let him go through his own journey, you don't want to control him, do you? He has to figure out for himself that you HAVE changed, and if you are consistent, he will. Just let him be, if there are backslides, let them go, because things will turn into the right direction, but you must gather your strength to wait it out without trying to influence him. Try working on yourself and be patient.
Just a quick update. Today was the "deadline" he gave me to decide whether we were going to continue with the divorce through mediation or whether we'd have to go to court over some of the money issues (alimony, child support, etc.). Although things have been great between us for the past week and we've spent a lot of time together, I waited today for the other shoe to drop! Luckily (at least for the time being) he didn't even bring it up today. Instead he called me this morning and we chatted for a while and then he invited me to dinner at his apartment tonight (he has the boys on Tuesday nights anyway). So instead of this dreaded conversation, we had a fabulous evening together! Like I said, I'm still waiting for him to bring it up, but at least it wasn't on the forefront of his mind tonight. I guess that is all I can hope for right now--and we'll just keep pushing forward. We've also decided to go out for a "real" date next week, so that's pretty exciting as well! So at least for the time being, things are good. Thanks for all the words of encouragement and support through all of this. I'll keep you updated!
Hopeful, I am so happy for you! IMO everything is going in the right direction, there is so much hope for your sitch. Please don't forget about his alien self, because it will eventually show up trying to push your buttons, testing you and your changes. If it does, be calm, collected, kind when responding. We are all with you!
