Like we never loved before 4

[Nature Girl]

Just read AGAIN the Last Resort Technique in Divorce Remedy. It helped me a lot, maybe read it again?

Can't say too much before my H or D come in here!

Stay strong Mimi!

[bright 2 morro]

Nature Girl,
Thank you for the support. My H is out of town this whole week. I had a great day yesterday. Until he called at night to talk to the kids and he was cold toward me. He did appologize later but still.

It is so much better when he is not here that it is amazing.

Maybe I need to ask him to leave the house. I think I am getting closer to moving on without him. There is only so much abuse that someone can take. I do love him and want him to be home and in the marriage but I do not want it to be the way it is now. I am tired of the yo yo.

I want someone who will treat me like I should be treated. I am not sure if he is ever going to be capable. At least he will not be until he stops wallowing in self pity. Oh me, oh my.

Mimi

[Rollercoasterider]

My H flipped back to not knowing what he wants to do. He is still not in love with me but loves me and cares about me. He is not sure if we will work out or not. Weird switch from last week when he told me that he loved me and that he wanted to work things out.

Maybe it's weird in the normal world--but here in the Bizzaro Universe, that's how things work. Your bomb drop was not very long ago. He returned prematurely. If it is MLC I would predict another leave--sorry.

If you try Last Resort...don't expect it to work by making him all better and your marriage good. You will only be disappointed.

I told him that we can not both have what we want and one has to be the one to give in. So I would do that for him because I love him so much.

I do not deserve any of this. I deserve to be loved and treated with respect. Not as if I am a yo-yo to play with.

You deserve to be loved and respected, and he deserves the same without guilt trips. You just played the martyr. That wasn't fair.

Maybe I need to ask him to leave the house.

I believe it is a HUGE misconception that it's better if they are at home. In think what is actually meant is that later chances for reconciliation are better. But to grow both the LBS and MLCer need space from each other. It's almost impossible to focus on yourself with an MLCer constantly in your face.

I do love him and want him to be home and in the marriage but I do not want it to be the way it is now.

None of the rest of us want the in-crisis marriage either. But we want our spouses...we want them in the better marriage that is possible after the crisis--better than pre-crisis.

I want someone who will treat me like I should be treated. I am not sure if he is ever going to be capable.

Oh and this one...almost all LBS's believe there's will not come out/be capable... And yet they do come out. Below I'm going to post some exceprts from something I posted on my thread on 5/18--because otherwise I just want to repeat the same thing.

...the spouses give up and do not believe the MLCer will ever come out or change from the new Monster he has become.

Funny huh? ALmost all the posters say they don't believe their MLC will come out...he/she has gotten so bad that it would be next to impossible.

But most come out...the 'experts' in literature have said this.

People!!! Most MLCers come out. Yours is not some extra-special case that is worse than the rest. Sure, there are some that don't...but almost all come out, and yet almost all posters believe the opposite of theirs at some point. Most posters think their REALLY is stubborn...come on, they are all stubborn people who don't like to lose face or go back on their word--that word being they are out. And yet eventually they do just that.

And just as most LBSs at some point believe their MLCer is an extra special case who will not come out...most also initially believe or at least hope with attached expectations that there will be a shorter MLC OR that they, the LBS, will be able to pull this DB'ing thing off in better time.

You know what this does--this attached expectation of 'better luck than most?' It reduces the individual LBS's standard timeline/threshold. They break/fall FASTER/SOONER. Some fall, while others choose to sit...and I will say that most who fall don't make it here.
...
Attached expectations come with a lot of awful things. They come with denial of the process--and Jim Conway has stated that this can EXTEND and MLC! WOW...what that seems to say is that those who initially think they will be special, shorter cases, may actually be the longer ones because of their expectations.
...
Refrain: MLC is about TIME

I'm sorry guys, but it takes a long time.
Longer than you believe.
Longer than you want.
And unless you accept and put up some expectations of Loooonger than most of you will TRY, your marriage will not be restored--because trying presupposed failure. It gives you an out.
Many give themselves a limit from the outset...that is already WAY below the average. "I've already been doing this 6 months, isn't that enough?"

And I want to scream...which part of 2-7 years didn't you get?

Yours is not an MLC overachiever.
...
MLC is tough. Standing is tough. Believing is tough. Faith is tough.

I think it was AmyC who said (basically, not an exact quote) you can choose to Stand, but it will be the last easy choice you make--standing will be the hardest thing you ever do.

There are tough things in life...but often those are thrust upon us wihout choice. Deaths, abuse, even divorce--since many never learn they have a choice.

I'm not saying other things aren't tough. An abused wife and mother who leaves in the middle of the night with her kids and only there clothes and a teddy bear...that is tough. Standing certainly isn't tougher. But HOPEFULLY that woman has people wanting her to leave, whereas Standers stay--while people want her to leave. We work AGAINST what most people think we should be doing. We Stand amidst spew-abuse, infidelity, hatred emitted from our most beloved, legal pressure, financial woes...the spew and hatred are the worst probably. The legal and financial woes are often what force us not to give up, but to at least divorce for now. but it's the hatred...Stander's love through that.

You can choose to take a break from it for awhile and open or reopen the door when the time comes, you can choose to Stand--not still, or you can choose to never take him back.

Do not only what is best for you--closing the door with an open later clause may be easier than officially Standing. BUT also do what you WANT. You WANT your MLCer back...you want him back NOW...and that ain't gonna happen...but how about someday? that can happen. Regardless of what you want (and what he wants) he will run. This process can be MUCH easier for you if you prepare for and accept that.

HUGS,
RCR

[kikifree]

RCR,

THat is very valuable information..THank you!!!

[bright 2 morro]

RCR,
Thank you for reminding me of all of that. I was doing so well before and now I can not seem to pick up the pieces. I have a lot on my mind and it seems like everyday something else bad happens. I just want someone to hold me and tell me that everything is going to be alright and to let me cry on them for a little while. I want someone to tell me that they love me again.

I am feeling so alone. I go to bed at night and cry myself to sleep lately because of the lonliness. I am really tired of feeling like I have to walk on egg shells.

My H is on a business trip all of this week. I was able to get in an extra session with my C. I have one tomorrow and one on Thursday. I am hoping that she can kick me in the a&& and get me out of this funk that I am in.

My H just called and he told me that he wants me to just hang on. That he does care about me but wants to fix it right, he wants the marriage to be a great marriage when we are through and it if it works out. He then told me that the fact that I have stood by him has not gone un-noticed and that he really does appreciate it. And the fact that I have been willing to forgive him for everything means alot to him. He told me that he does not want to move out of the house. That we just need to take some time to work through this.

Maybe, things will be ok in the end. I just need help during these really bad times in my head. Hopefully the double sessions this week will be just what the doctor ordered.

Thank you for the great words RCR. They help when I am down. Maybe I can start to pick things up again.

Mimi

[MissH]

Hi Mimi, my L appointment was canceled for tonight...rescheduled for tomorrow. I will call you and let you know how it goes when I get back.

Regarding your feelings...I feel the same exact way you are right now. I miss being loved. I am lonely.

I hope your C can help you get out of the funk. I am in one myself.

I really do think though that your sitch sounds promising.

Hang in there.

[bright 2 morro]

I think I may be coming out of my funk for now. My H has been on a business trip all week and gone. I am sure things will change after tonight when he comes home.

I went to see my C two times this week. In a way it was great. She really does understand what is going on.

I have not spoken to H in 3 days. So I do not have much to report there. I guess we will find out tonight how things are going.

I am not expecting things to change to much.

Mimi

[bright 2 morro]

Yesterday was just plain aweful. My H is a larger than life a$$ sometimes. I talked to him yesterday while he was on his trip and he did nothing but spew at me. Of course I did not handle it well. I swear that he was acting exactly like he was when he was with the OW. So now I have my suspicions about her again.

He told me he had not been with her but I cannot be sure. I want to believe him but.

I am actually feeling right now like if he wants to go again then I want absolutely nothing to do with him. I do not want to deal with him in any way (not even for the kids). If he wants to go again I know that I can not stop him but I do not want any contact with him at all. I have forgiven him for the first four times he left but I am not sure I will be able to again. Maybe it is during a time of extreme anger that I am in but I think it will be Lawyer time. I guess I will need to calm down first.

But I will go for everything I want and not care if I make him angry. I will then pursue my career even if it means moving away from here. I am tired of living my life for him and what he wants.

I can not have what I want. I do not want to be a part time mother. Which is what I am being forced into, if in fact he does not stay with me. How can I be divorced and not be a part time mother?

Mimi

[HalfMissing]

We moms always feel guilty no matter how many hours we work outside the home. There is no such thing as a part time mother. We could never be part time mothers because we have full time love for our children. No matter how many hours you work your children will know you love them. In a few years, your youngest will be in school and it will not be a big deal that you work.

mimi, you need to think about you and what you want in your life.

[bright 2 morro]

Half,
What I meant by Part time mother is the fact that I will not be part of their life every other weekend and several days a week if my H and I get divorced. So I will be working (which I do now) and loosing half of my extra time with them.

The seperate holidays and vacations. That is all me being a part time mom. Just like when they H's leave they are part time dad's. I will be a part time mother.

I have worked since I was a teen, I like my job. I alredy feel like I do not have enough time with my kids. So if he has them 50% of the time I do currently have them. I loose that much more with them.

Mimi