Like we never loved before 4

[bright 2 morro]

Yesterday was just plain aweful. My H is a larger than life a$$ sometimes. I talked to him yesterday while he was on his trip and he did nothing but spew at me. Of course I did not handle it well. I swear that he was acting exactly like he was when he was with the OW. So now I have my suspicions about her again.

He told me he had not been with her but I cannot be sure. I want to believe him but.

I am actually feeling right now like if he wants to go again then I want absolutely nothing to do with him. I do not want to deal with him in any way (not even for the kids). If he wants to go again I know that I can not stop him but I do not want any contact with him at all. I have forgiven him for the first four times he left but I am not sure I will be able to again. Maybe it is during a time of extreme anger that I am in but I think it will be Lawyer time. I guess I will need to calm down first.

But I will go for everything I want and not care if I make him angry. I will then pursue my career even if it means moving away from here. I am tired of living my life for him and what he wants.

I can not have what I want. I do not want to be a part time mother. Which is what I am being forced into, if in fact he does not stay with me. How can I be divorced and not be a part time mother?

Mimi