I am now going through the hardest thing I have ever done. I have been married two years to the man of my dreams, BUT my dreams were shattered when i discovered he has been cheating on me. It was a one time thing and he has told me over and over how he hates what he has done...even before I found out he had totally reverted back to the man I first fell in love with. We had fallen into a slump and I knew it, but I had no idea it was that bad.....I started a new career ust s few short months ago, and he says he felt neglected and alone. But the ironic part to me is that he was the one to incourage me to follow my dreams of being an interior designer...he helped me go back to school to get my degree....now the thing he pushed so hard and stood behind me to accomplish...now he says is one of the reasons he strayed. I am very hurt, very disappointed and trying to cope. I love him very much and want tokeep this marriage together, any suggestions on how to deal with this built up anger that I am feeling ....I know lashing out at him will not help our relationship any...and I do not want revenge...I just want a little piece and harmony in my head
M 35 H 44 D 21,D 18,D 17, D 15, D 13, D 11, D 10, S 9 BOMB DROPPED 7/16/07 STILL TOGETHER, TRYING TO WORK IT OUT H ENDED A WITH Ow 7/15/07
He's feeding you a line and putting the blame on you. Don't buy in to it! It was always a fear of mine not to pursue a career or life outside of the home because that would cause my husband to feel neglected. Joke was on me because he cheated anyway.
Ignore his lines and get to working on you and what you want.
He does want to work on the marriage and so do I, he has told me that none of this is my fault that he made some very bad choices on how to handle his feelings. He has talked with me more in the past two weeks than I think he has talked in the whole relationship about his feelings. I love him very much I just get so angry at him....I feel he took so much from us and never asked me if it was okay! I still feel betrayed..he has made the effort to open up everything to me...he can no longer access the computer, his cell phone is now more like mine, he has me answer it and check his messages more than he does. He says he wants to show me he has nothing to hide. I just want to trust again...but my heart says I can my head says no way....it is a constant battle!
M 35 H 44 D 21,D 18,D 17, D 15, D 13, D 11, D 10, S 9 BOMB DROPPED 7/16/07 STILL TOGETHER, TRYING TO WORK IT OUT H ENDED A WITH Ow 7/15/07
Hi RG - Welcome! You've found a place that can help.
I have gone through (and am continuing to go through) a very similiar situation. I was in a career that had a lot of traveling but paid really well and my husband encouraged me to keep that job - and it was a job, i wasn't even happy in. That job was one of the reasons he cited for cheating. I can totally relate to what you are going through.
I wish that there were some sage advice to get you through the anger and betrayal. Really, unfortunately, it is just something you have to work through. I found that the only thing that helped get it out was writing about it (either here or journaling, or both) talking about it (to a therapist or friend) or focusing on something else - such as exercising, cleaning the house, taking a walk, going for a run, etc. I always found that doing something physical helped worked the emotion out - not sure if that's true for everyone, but it helped me.
Clearly there were problems in your marriage - his A was a symptom of those problems - take this as a wake up call and try to pin-point what those issues may be. A counselor could come in handy here, whether you go by yourself or with your H. If you haven't done so already, read Divorce Remedy, it has some really constructive advice that most of us here try to follow.
I am in no means an expert and still struggle with my own sitch, but just thought I'd weigh in.
Hang in there! It DOES get better. Not only that, the fact that your H is willing to be so open now is HUGE! It shows that he really is trying to rebuild trust. Oh, one other thing that has helped me (and recently my H)is MarriageBuilders.com
Hugs EM
Me: 34 H: 39 M: 7 yrs H A 12/05-8/07
If what you say surprises me, I must have been assuming something else was true. - M. Wheatley
It is nice to have a place that I can talk to others in a similar situation. I have been married before , but an A is a first for me and I am struggling with how to handle it all. Each day it is getting easier to handle and now having a place to vent my anger and frustration will be even more help. I cannot help but feel angry, but do not want to use that anger to make our situation worse. The fact that we are communicating more is reassuring to me also. We have started therapy...did not like the first one we went to she is kinda reserved and did not feel she was very helpful, but we are scheduling a new appointment with a new therapist. Hope this one works out. the exercise advice for venting my anger is a great idea...need the exercise anyway. I have gottne out of that habit...guess now would be a great time to get back into it...also a good time to think by myself. I am open to any suggestions....this is just so hard. ReeceGirl
M 35 H 44 D 21,D 18,D 17, D 15, D 13, D 11, D 10, S 9 BOMB DROPPED 7/16/07 STILL TOGETHER, TRYING TO WORK IT OUT H ENDED A WITH Ow 7/15/07
According to the book he will have to bend over backwards to prove his trustworthiness. These mistakes do happen to good people sometimes. I judged my H as if he and the OW were extremely immoral people on drugs, but sometimes people just do not understand the consequences and pain. I do not know if we can be sure if some spouses are chronic cheaters or emotional cheaters. I do not know, but he sounds remorseful and that is a start. Stay focused on saving your marriage. Be prepared to deal with each trigger. This may sound silly, but math is a negative trigger for me. I think about the OW's age and the difference between their ages and what I was doing with my H when the OW was born and etc. I also think about every holiday we spent together and if she felt left out or victorious that he was just pretending to be my H for show but that his heart was with her. How do I combat these thoughts? Music and television and friends who listen but also joke. And above all, this forum. You are safe here and you know you are not alone.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
Check them all out. Learn everything you can about healty relationships and adopt them into yours. The concepts are simple, but it can be a long road. It's all about attitude and patience.
All of the emotions you are / will feel are normal, I would be far more concerned if you weren't feeling them. They are part of the process, part of healing. You need to go through all of these things to put them behind you. You're in a good place here and among family so to speak. Keep posting, tell us what is on your mind and we will respond with our ideas and share our experience.
Hello Reecegirl, Judging from where you are at in your r, I would highly recomend Divorce Remedy if you havent already. Its like the saying 'If I knew then what I know now'. Nows your chance to figure this out, coming from people who have 'been there'. Especially if h is willing to try, alot of us don't have that.
Me 37 W 37 D21 D17 D12 S8 grandparents 7/07 boy Married 16 yrs last June 07 Bomb dropped 4/07
"Do what you feel in your heart to be right-for you'll be criticized anyway. You'll be damned if you do, and damned if you don't", Eleanor Roosevelt
....I know lashing out at him will not help our relationship any...and I do not want revenge...I just want a little piece and harmony in my head 
