Thanks OT and thanks TY for your wisdom. I feel that way too I can take it all just so myids are happy but then I think how much happier would they be if I had more energy instead of him stealing my beauty every 5 minutes when he is bad?

OT ~ I do not think he will see a counselor he is off the deep end he says he is not to blame for anything cause he "provides " for us and I am a bad Mother etc. etc.

I was Married before and he was a cheater too and one day I just got fed up and never looked back. I Married him when I was 18 and was "pure" if you get what I MEAN and he gave me and STD before I married him and I did not even know ... I naively thought it was like a Yeast Infection. ( went to the DR was diagnosed and given meds AND HE KEPT HIS DIRTY LITTLE SECRET)

Till years later when he admitted it to me.... so 9.5 years of Marriage to a Man who never loved me I was just his "trophy" and now this. I do love my H very much but he is sick and he actually thinks he is well. That is what is the worst part.

I seem to keep Marrying my Father.. he is an alcoholic and has a drug problem once in a while too. PITIFUL..

I am tired of allowing myself to be the victim, I am tired of living in fear of losing what I TREASURE EVEN THOUGH IDO ALL THE RIGHT THINGS....

And then again maybe I do all the wrong things ....
being too loving
being too naive
and always hoping for the best

I am going to really have to get strong and find my center cause this is making me lose it. Making me feel so ugly... and I am actually an amazing Woman... but I do not let it shine when he drags me down... I start to and then he steps in and make sure " I am in my place so to speak"

and he actually thinks he is the good one... it takes 2 to cause M problems and he thinks it is only me..... sure I am not perfect but I am trying and he is allowed to do whatever b/c he lives in a caveman world where if you have a Penis you RULE. And like COG SAYS AND IS SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO TRUE. As long as he is sick it will stay this way.
I have a lot of wonderful qualities and I forget when he is mean to me...... not good.


I feel ok and at the same time as I post I feel weepy .. I have carried this cross for a very long time and he goes and looks for something better than me and then he comes back when he sees I love him best and I am beautiful.
I am at a crossroads and I dunno which way to go....
keep going and pray that God will see me thru and work a Miracle on my H ...

OR

STOP and turn around and walk away from the pain and the agony at times and the hurt.

Wow I am babbling and I feel like I dont know what is the right decision..... keep trying and keep loving and find my HAPPINESS WITH HIM or walk away and be miserable for a while but come out ok in the end. And be happy too.....

I am at a loss and need to calm down.....
God bless.....