Hairdog. Here is a clip of another new NG convert.
I was worse in the past, and I really do regret this weakness in me.
In the past, the evening would be like this:
ME: You feel like doing it? W: No, I'm tired. ME: Why are you tired, you don't cook dinner and have time to watch your TV shows. W: You only come to bed early when you want sex. ME: Sex is my emotional needs and I don't feel fulfilled. W: I'm tired; I need to wake up early.
(ME goes silent, turns his back on the bed. Then proceeds to analyze the rejection feeling)
ME: I feel rejected and it's really tiring to have to feel this way. W: It's not you, it's me. I'm tired. ME: A marriage without sex is not a marriage. I want a sex life in my marriage. W: Not everyday. ME: We did not do it yesterday nor I asked for it, it's been X days. (ME marks a * on the calendar when sex happens)
And if sex happens, it happens without that intimacy I seek. It is not fulfilling. And when sex did not happen, I brood on resentment throughout my day at work, and feeds into withdrawal. It was a bad cycle
After reading and applying some NG
I put what I read about the NG into practice.
1. Overcoming Procrastination, and doing Next Action. When I got home, I went through my normal routine, and after dinner I fired up 2 of my computers side by side out of habit. Instead of surfing the web and playing a quick online game, I did something different. Searched for my resume in my hard drives for updates, and also finished my 2nd batch vacation video in Window's Movie Maker. And limiting my projects to 3, I started towards maintaining my paper records and organization. Some de-clutter, junking, shredding and sorting was done.
Time flew, it was past midnight already. Wife was still up going over her mail and watching TV with a laundry load in the dryer. Kids are done with summer vacation.
2. Bedroom. Did my routine, shower, toothbrush, and prepared my clothes for the next day.
3. Assertiveness.
I went to bed and kissed wife and said, ME: I feel like I want to have sex with you tonight. Do you want to have sex? W: No, not really. ME: Ok that's is fine. Your loss though. W: What do you mean my loss? Me: I mean you're missing out on this opportunity. W: What is this about? Me: I told you about this NMMNG book and it says women aren't attracted to Nice Guys. W: (silent) Me: Well, are you attracted to me? W: (avoids answering) I like nice. Me: All I am saying is I'm asserting my needs, and I want to have sex with my wife. W: You always do. Me: Well, I want to have sex with my wife who wants to have sex with me. I'm really ok if you don't feel like having sex with me. It's your loss.
(minutes passed) W: I want a massage (back rub) Me: I hear you say you want a massage. I don't feel like giving massages without getting something in return tonight. W: I guess no more massages anymore then.
(I think she's implying that no more sex. In the past, we agreed that I need to give a massage prior to having sex "most" of the time.)
Me: I like giving you massages, but I do not want to make massages a pre-requisite to sex. Nice guys do that, like me, in hopes to get sex. I don't want that anymore. W: I don't think I like this no more Nice Guy.
Me: There's a difference between me being a *****, from me being more assertive. W: So you want to not be a Nice Guy so you'll be attractive to women? Me: I don't want to be a Nice Guy so that my wife will want to have sex with me. W: And I may not be your wife anymore someday. Me: Who knows what the future is, and you're my wife today and the past 12 years, and my one and only for over 20 years. W: Me too, you're the only one.
Me: I also have to say that I'm sorry for being so weak and needy in the past, about being needy for sex. (I did not feel that heartache, hurt feeling in my chest, when I use to have felt that pain in the past). W: What do you mean? Me: I settled for "bad sex" because I was weak and needy. Nice Guys are that way, and I don't want to be that anymore. W: Bad sex? Me: To me, bad sex is when I kept persisting to ask for sex, even when you say no earlier. And you proceed to go along even when you do not feel or want to have sex with me. I'm sorry to put you through that, I was weak and needy. W: You're the only one I've been with. How can you say it's bad sex. Me: I think it's because I perceive that you don't want it, yet I continue on in hopes of filling my needs. The sex sure was physically releasing, but we were not being intimate. It's devotion sex, or mercy sex, or hurry up sex. Not like quickies where you seem ok to not need an O.
W: I'm just tired a lot. Me: Yes, I hear you are that and I was wrong to not consider it in the past. I also have to apologize about being passive-aggressive. It's bad behavior. W: What do you mean passive-aggressive? What is that? Me: It's my reactions to your rejection. When you say no, I end up behaving in ways that want to hurt you emotionally. Like having resentments, withdrawing, being silent, sighing loudly. W: That's passive-aggressive? Me: Yes those are instead of just being aggressive like slapping or hitting you. (which I don't, just using examples) W: I don't like that. It's still aggressive. Me: I'd like you to call me out when I'm being passive-aggressive. I can live without sex.
It was 1:30 am. W: I'm hungry. (we only had salad for dinner at 8 pm) Me: You can try water. Or have a piece of fruit and drink water. {minutes passed{ W: I'm hungry. Me: A nice guy would probably ask you if you wanted him to cook or fix you something. Good thing I don't want to be a Nice Guy anymore. W: So you want to be a Bad Guy, I can be a Bad Girl. Me: I'm interested on your Bad Girl behavior in bed. (then chuckled)
W got up and drank milk. When she came back to bed, she asked for a massage, but this she wants me to start in an area that gets me horny and ready.
W: J, I want a massage on my lower back and butt. Me: You know touching your ass make me horny. W: Yes, and I'm already naked.
!!!
Finally done and fell asleep 3:15 A.M. and woke up at 5:00 a.m. for work.
Between MarriageBuilders.com, Five Love Languages, Passionate Marriage, MidLifeClub, 4060.org, DivorceBusters.com, OrganizedHome.org, Mismatched Libido, and this new Nice Guy forum, I've learned a lot.
