WAW1978's adventures in DB'ing

[Nomopo]

WAW1978:

So sorry about the tough tough happenings. I am an attorney, but not in family law. And I am in Texas. But let me give you my thoughts on some of this, but not necessarily legal advice. More life advice, I think (though my thoughts are always clouded by being an attorney I guess). I have read all your two posts and stew10's and Sunny's (good thoughts there). I am going to focus on your first post mainly.

Apparently my being a pushover in our marriage is continuing into this separation.

I don't see it like that at all. You just didn't know you might be hurting yourself in a custody fight. (And you'll see later that I don't really think H can be faulted for what he did, though I know emotions are high. And in any event, focusing on his intent is just going to piss you off. You need to manage emotions and focus on what to do to take care of you, your D, and your respective interests.

I thought I was acting in the best interest of my daughter by leaving her in the house every night while I just stay there on my nights with her.

I see how you felt this way, and agree that you were trying to avoid disrupting her life more than you had to. So that thinking still makes sense to me.

The atty I spoke with said from the sounds of it that H has beat me to the punch and spoke with atty already as he is doing all the things that the atty would have advised me to do. Emails about visitation (all in his favor) and by being the one in the house with her and taking her to school everyday.

You know, I can't really say I wouldn't have acted like H. I'm not trying to defend him, but his world is spinning. He is scared. And there may be an element of him trying to control you (eg, keep you from leaving), but he may just be scared about losing his D. In lots of cases and states, the system favorsd mothers and dads get the short end of the custody stick. That doesn't mean he should try to exclude you from D either. And just because he is building his case it doesn't mean that he would try to keep you from getting 50-50 custody. But who knows.

In my mind, though I know you are pissed, I would try to get past the anger and blame (all normal and I might very well feel the same way were I in your shoes), and focus on what needs to be done. The atty told me even things as trivial as who makes her lunch will become an issue. Help me out here…do I have no rights? I am the Mom up until my H’s hours shifted I was the one who made her lunches and took her to school everyday for two years. Before that I was home with her everyday and worked nights so she did not have to go to daycare. Can all this be true? Two months of a separation will supercede 4 years of my care?

I am so scared and unsure what will happen.

I understand too. I have had those fears (though I feel better because we both have stated clearly we are in favor of joint custody). In all likelihood, your H is also scared of losing custody.

I told the atty that my Dad was setting me up in a duplex while I sort this mess out and he advised me to take everything I wanted when I go, including my daughter and to just tell H when he could see her…sort of how he has been behaving towards me.

It seems to me you have two or three options:

1. Follow this attorney's advice. Move out and take D with you, but that seems likely to turn ugly real quick (like restraining orders being filed right away, etc.). (Aside: did s/he seem to know what they were saying? Seem experienced? Inspire confidence? If you have any doubts, maybe get a second opinion.)

2. Stay in the house and approach your H about an agreed to S. Explain to him that this is the only chance your M has. You need time and space for a while, at least say six months. But explain to him that you would like to do it the same way it would be in a divorce (with joint custody, and discuss how that would work). Make a proposal if you want or talk it out with him. My guess is that he resists joint custody, but it is worth a shot I think. This would require you to move D week to week which is not ideal for her. Doesn't sound like H is willing to leave the house at all.

3. Stay in the house and re-establish your custodial rights for a while and plan your next move. in a month or two. Are you in separate bedrooms at least? Is that an option?

Maybe I am naïve but I didn’t think I could just take my daughter/dog/furniture and leave…

That doesn't sound right to me. Or if you do, you'll likely get a nasty fight with injunctions, etc.

I just want an amicable separation so we can continue MC and possibly save our M.

That is my suggestion no. 2. I hope H goes for it. How can you best present this to him? In MC? Can you give it to him in MC to consider for a week? Our T was great in getting both of to state that what really mattered to us was our children's best interest. Maybe you could take that route. With H hopefully acknowledging D needs both of you in her life a lot.

But if I go this route my controlling H will just flip out and there will be no saving the M.

Hmmmm. Maybe it's not worth even trying. If you do, strike when the iron is cold, if you can, and think about how best to try to communicate with him on this issue.

I guess I am at an impass...stay in house and continue to feel angry and frustrated with H and never recover the M anyway or leave to try and resolve these feelings and possibly lose my D if things don't work out.

Not quite. Option 2 above is different, though it doesn't sound promising. And I think rather than "stay in house and continue to feel angry and frustrated with H and never recover the M anyway", it's stay in the house for a little while to re-establish custodial rights (at least get back to even) and also to figure out your next move.

Thank you for weighing in. I feel like I don't have any options right now. The whole visitation/custody issue is weighing on me.

You emotions are understandably high. Take some time. Cool off. You need to think clearly about all of this. For you and D. And H really.

Ever since last week when I got the vile email detailing the 3 days he thinks I should have with D its all I think about. I keep thinking that I have to take drastic measures to head off impending disaster.

You do need to protect your rights and take care of D's interests (which includes lots of time with you).

But taking those measures will surely end my M...

Hopefully that's not the case. Keep looking for solutions. Think positively. I know it is hard, but it is crucial.

Good luck, hang in there, and big hugs
Nomo