My DB Coach Chuck told me about this and I love it, and have shared it with a number of you, but thought I would post it for those of you who haven't heard it (mainly newbies).
Ok. Here's the idea. The WAS wants away from you, the LBS. They need time and space. They have put up these huge walls because the are so hurt by all the awful things you, the LBS, did. (Just accept that this is true. Defending yourself, and playing the blame game won't help you save your M. Remember, this is the WAS's perspective.) So, it's like they are in a castle. Huge walls; impenetrable. No matter how hard you try to tear down the castle walls or break in (this is us begging, pleading, crying, chasing, reasoning, arguing, etc.), you can't do it. In fact, it strengthens there resolve. There is no way they are going to open the door to let this sad, pathetic or threatneing person in. All you can do is focus on you, and GAL. You have to "let them go." Think of it as letting them go to the castle really, not necessarily away forever. Meanwhile, by focusing on you (what will make you happy, what changes you want to make in you) and GALing, and actually being as happy, positive, upbeat, etc. as you can (fake it until you make it), it is like you are setting up a picnic. A wonderful picnic! And because 99% of the time the WAS is actually noticing what you are doing (even if it doesn't seem like it, and despite their denials or acting to the contrary), it is like you set your glorious picnic up right outside the castle walls. Well, eventually (and much too long for most of us, so we have to be patient, patient, patient and keep at the picnic), the WAS is curious. They venture closer and closer, to check things out. They think, "that looks like fun" or "why is s/he so happy?" But they are VERY skittish. If we jump up and start moving toward them (or even if we act just too enthusiastic that they are peaking out of the castle), they get frightened and run back in. And slam the door! We just have to keep eating that cheese and sipping that wine. Or Fried Chicken and Watermelon. Take your pick. Eventually, if you have a chance (and I believe almost all of us do), the WAS will come even closer, and will finally sit down for a bit. And then, all of a sudden, for no good reason (because they are having fun and you are playing it cool and not chasing), the WAS still freaks out and runs back to the castle. It's like they remember they have walked away, and they wonder why they are even at the picnic! "What was I thinking? I thought I had decided to leave this person behind!" Now, if you chase them back to the castle (or, gasp, pound on the door), they will stay in the castle even longer. But if you just stay at your picnic, eventually the WAS will wander back out again. And each time, they will stay a little longer, and be gone for less time. And then, after a lot of halting progress (two steps forward, one step back), success!! They re-invest in the M. Make sense? That's the idea any way, and for most of us I believe it's the best shot.
Hope it helps, Nomo
M 39 W 39 M'd 10 yrs; T 14 yrs S7 D4 Bomb 5-8-05 W not working on M 1-22-07; EA 2-22 DB 4-10 S 6-11 No more C Link
Me: 46 Wife: 39 D: 13 S: 11, 9, 7 Bomb 3.2.07, Sep Same Day, D papers 11.1.07 Current Status - Wants to take me through Discovery, I will go to prison first.
Nomopo. A few minutes ago I got carried away and went to look at her online pics. There I see him again and one of her recent pic. This time she took the pic in the living room. Ahhh, I felt so horrible. So I took a deep breathe and came back to this site to read a few things. I do agree with the castle and picnic analogy. I do like it, I will start to try that.
I want to ask, if you all think I should go out alone and try to enjoy myself a bit - not for meeting anyone since I am in dire pain but to get away so to speak. What do you all think?
See the W, Listen to the W, but dont Speak back to the W. Bridle your tongue...
thnx Nomo. That makes a lot of sense. I have heard people ref. the picnic, but I wasnt sure what they were refering too. Have a nice weekend everybody! BM07
Thank you Nomo for posting this on my post as well. This sure seems as though this is happening to me know. Have a great weekend with your kids. S
M15 T19 D13 S13 BD Affair 9/13 S 11/13 D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together. Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
