I think your concern is well placed. You want to know. You don't want to be indifferent. You want to show you care. You want your faith in this to be reassured by knowing he is going to do his part in fixing this. The likely outcome will be to create pressure on him when he still largely feels you've got more work to do. Maybe you should just wait until he brings up your counseling again. At least then you know that the concept of counseling is something he asked about.
Me 40 W 38 S 4 M 7.75 ILYBNILWY 6/8/07 "do not want to be your W" 6/16/07 DB'ing 6/30/07
1st M 6 yrs; she was my first WAW
first thread [url=link] http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1149309&page=5#Post1149309 [/url]
Thank-you - that is a good recommendation. As much as I am dying to know (and this applies to other things as well) - I don't want to put any add'l pressure on him.
Another difficult weekend. Just not sure exactly what I should be doing. We are both in the same house and I try to just make small talk with him and all I get back from him is an annoyed attitude. I have been avoiding all R talk and trying to do what I can to just have normal conversation here & there. Should I stop trying that as well? Then we would not be speaking at all. I think I understand where he is coming from with respect to his doubts in our marriage, but I don't understand his anger & annoyance to me. An example, earlier today I said "wow - it sure is hot out there, huh?" (It is 93 degrees out). He responds "No, not really, I am actually going to go for a run". Who disagrees when someone is just trying to make small talk about the weather? Through this process we still have been leaving notes for each other or letting the other know if we are going to be out, but when I got home he wasn't and there was no note. He got home about a 1/2 hr later and I was like "Did you eat lunch?" And he said "No", So I said "Oh, I thought that is where you might have went". And he said "No". I did not push or come out and ask him where he was, not like I need to know, I was again just trying to make conversation & be polite. Before DDay this is totally atypical behavior for him/us and it almost seems like he is just purposely trying to be cold. Doesn't he know how difficult this is on me as it is?
Doesn't he know how difficult this is on me as it is?
Almost certainly he does. Probably still cares too. Seems to me like a lot of the rude behavior by a WAS is for their benefit to allow them to do what they do to a person they still have feelings for (however weak they may be). Let it go.
Just did a quick read through of your sitch, you seem to be doing pretty well. I've gotten the changes are "too little, too late," "manipulative", and "pressure" (when I try to do something nice). Back off, keep becoming a better person, and let their comments roll off of your back. It stinks, but do it. THen have some fun of your own. By all means though, keep the house clean. I'm not a slob, but definately messy. I've found that trying to keep things straight isn't all that bad and actually makes the house a nicer place to be. Not perfect, but that's one change that's just an absolute good. IMO anyway
Are you doing anything to get out of the house? Maybe a 180 for you would be to be gone if he's gone. Make him wonder a little where you are.
I wouldn't try to stop having normal conversations, but if he's not receptive, move along and do your own thing.
What kind of GAL activities are you doing? You may have mentioned, but I didn't notice any. For now, happiness has to come from you and you're going to have to carry both of you to save the R (you've mentioned this already, so tellin gyou something you already now). It's going to take a while, so strap in for the long haul.
BD
My latest
Me: 36 W: 35 2 D: 9 and 5 T: 16 years M: 12 10/4/06: Bomb 10/5/06: Ended A 4/22/07: ILYBNILWY
Thanks Heimlich for you comments. For what I am doing for me (GAL'ing) I have connected with old friends - some I haven't talked to in years, I have taken up tennis lessons, I am taking pilates classes, I went hiking last weekend by myself, and I am going to therapy 1x/week (And I have a very succesful fulltime job).
As I am writing at 2am - you can probably assume that things have not gotten any better, in fact, I believe that they have gotten worse. We had a long talk today (initiated by him after I was trying to make small talk). Funnily enough, he brought up the weather conversation & he said that he feels awkward trying to have "normal" conversations when they is all this deeper stuff looming. Who knows - maybe he is even on this message board too and reading my comments!
He said that this situation (living together) is not working for him - but he is still not sure that he wants to move out. I think he may know already that is what he is planning to do, but just trying to spare my feelings? He said he has his IC session on Monday and that he is hoping to get advice at that time.
I almost think at this point it is probably best that he MO b/c I feel like each day that passes by in this awkwardness that we are living destroys our relationship little by little. I have a feeling that what he wants is a NC seperation. Part of me thinks that is the only chance for us b/c we would need some sort of new start if this were to work, but everything I read tells me that physical seperation almost always leads to divorce. He would most likely be moving in with his parents. I am not sure if I could/should be here when he packs up. Anyone have any advice on that? We have had no physical contact (hugs -anything) for weeks now...
Another thing that is very difficult is my crying. 6/7 days of the week I am OK and I pull it together - but when we have these long, emotionally intensive conversations I can't help it and it just flows out. He says it makes it difficult to talk to me and that is why he has had a hard time in the past & feels he could not talk to me b/c of it. This is the way I have always been though, I am the type to cry at weddings, movies, etc. I understand that it makes it difficult for him to talk to me, but it is not like I am sobbing out of control - just watery eyes & runny nose. I don't like how he is using that as an excuse that he could not talk to me about these issues that were bothering him. Everyone has their way of reacting to things like that, some people would get angry and yell when their spouse voices complaints/issues & that is something that I never do. I do wonder if there is something out there to better help control my emotions/crying though while I am going through this process. Would an anti-depressant help? I don't feel as though I need one for daily functioning, like I said, I amd fine 6/7 days of the week and think I am handling this as best as can be expected - but just to stop the waterworks?
So his 1st IC session is tonight. I am anxious for what tonight holds. It is only an hour session so I am not sure how much will be able to be accomplished - it would probably take that long just to recount what has been happening the last 2mo. Like I mentioned above, I think he is going to try to get advice on how to proceed with him moving out (trial seperation). I think it would be very difficult for me to be there when he is packing up his stuff to move - is it wrong for me to say I don't want to be around when he does it? Again, I don't think I could keep myself from crying when he does it. Anyone have any suggestions for how to keep the tears in check?
So I asked H last night how his IC session went. He said he liked the guy and that he made another appt. with him. But, the guy advised him that he should not move out - so it looks like he is not going to. Part of me had actually gotten used to the idea and thought it might be for the best. Like I said before, we are not able to have normal interactions, there is NO affection whatsover and I feel like we are at this stand-still. The therapist told him that if he has been feeling this way for 6yrs - why rush to make a decision. I mentioned to him how over the weekend he had said that "this living arrangement was not working for him" & he said, "what, are you going to kick me out?". And I said "No, I want to support whatever it is that you feel you need to do". But this is SO difficult on me. I am down to about 100lbs and everyday I try to put my best face forward for him but it is killing me inside. How should I be around the house with him? It feels wrong to just ignore him & it feels awkward to make small talk. I feel like it was better in the beginning when I was still trying to be affectionate with him and then I stopped b/c I was trying to give him space. I don't know if that is working either...I also have been feeling so lonely that part of me just wants to jump him! That was probably 1 of the biggest issues of our relationship (me not initiating enough) and now I want more than anything to do that.
Hey S I am not a WAH by any stretch, just the opposite. "lovingly detach" how many times have you now heard this one?
The normal reaction from a WAS is to be a bit rude, like they have a license now that they are in control. From what I can tell, it is so common, it is hard to believe so just understand this alien behavior is normal.
Let him keep going to see his IC and get some things out. As most have told me, patience, patience, patience. It sucks, I know, but you have to just put on a happy face and fake it for a while as you become the person you are faking right now.
OK? Help at all?
Me: 46 Wife: 39 D: 13 S: 11, 9, 7 Bomb 3.2.07, Sep Same Day, D papers 11.1.07 Current Status - Wants to take me through Discovery, I will go to prison first.
