Day to day, I'm up and down. It's a ferocious cycle. I just want to be away from her so bad. W is mean. The most common thing I hear from her now is, "God, I can't stand you". That could be in response to me telling her she can't use our money to go out last Friday night because we have to pay bills or to me saying I don't think the house will sell as the market is terrible right now.
Then I lay in bed in the morning and my D6 and D10 come in to hang with me for a few moments. Both of them daily ask me not to break up with mommy. To just go back in my room with her and she will stop being mad at me and everything will be okay. In those moments, or any moment where I can just hang out with my kids knowing that when this goes through moments like this are gone, at least the frequency I experience them at now.., in those moments I think I can do whatever I have to do to make it work so I can be with them.
Reality is, I can't. W is pushing this through at lightening speed and there is nothing I can do to slow it down. Not in Illinois. I don't even have to be there when the dissolution is handed down by the judge. How is that for a kick in the gut? I can be divorced without ever being there? Even if I tried to not sign for the service of papers, they just put down refused and the judge will take that into considertion, but still grant the D.
INSANE.
So there you have it. I'm way up and then I'm way down. A trusted friend observed that this is most likely a result of not being able to get at IT. Now that I know my knee is fixed, my objectives are within sight, as soon as I can get up and moving they will be within reach. He said part of my downs right now is probably just frustration at being homebound for now. I can't go for a run, bike ride, pump iron or take my kids somewhere, any of the things I did before to keep my mind off of this crap.
I'm catching up on a ton of reading. I have probably read N.U.T.s and God Loves an Unmade Bed a dozen times since I've been homebound. Both of those are really helping a lot. I would love for this marriage to be whole and work out. For my kids.
Yet I know that being with her, is simply not a N.U.T. It's not something that I can't compromise. Being a great father is a N.U.T. I don't have to live with her, who she has become, to be a great father.
