I want shoes like that! I still have a Mommy pouch I just can't get rid of! No pencil skirts for me. Have a blast. I dunno about the ring. errr, maybe leave it behind. hee hee
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
well, lets just say yesterday did not go exactly as I had expected. yes, I looked good...really good, in fact. in spite of the heat (I cranked the air conditioning so my makeup wouldn't melt, lol). I was ready to go as soon as he got here.
he came in, took one look at me and asked who the hell the guy I talked to the other day was and who the hell I was going to NH with. I told him I was going to my friend's house, he said but who else would be there...I said as far as I know, my friend and his wife, but who knows, noone else I know of. he asked why I looked so good, I said because we were going into portsmouth. I wasn't overdressed for the night at all, just looked good...gee, honey, sorry about that, would you like me to look like a slob? (no, I didn't say that)
he asked again about the guy on the phone. I thought he was past that. I said he was a friend, restated that I wasn't seeing anybody and I asked, as imLIN (I think it was, right?) suggested, "do you want me to stop talking to him?" H said no, he didn't. ouch. then he (giving the condenced version here) went on to say that if I was seeing someone, he could see HER. ouch. ouch ouch ouch. of course, he is seeing her, he's just not being upfront about it. but stil, ouch. that really hurt...my husband could care less if I see another man? ouch ouch ouch. kick in the gut.
so db went out the window. the only thing I did do right was to remain calm, not to get flustered/emotional. I confronted him on a lot of things...her house keys on his key ring (tried to deny it at first, and I got a little smirky and asked if I went over to (insert actual address) with his keys, would they open any doors? he finally admitted they would...but tried to say that it was no big deal, he had just forgotten to take them off. cough cough sputter sputter.
he became obsessed with knowing how I met the guy I was on the phone to, and I asked why it mattered? would it matter if I met him a the beach, or in NYC? what would be the difference? he said he was curious, as a friend. and i shot back, well, exactly when did you start f'ing ow? I know it was last october, but when exactly? he said that wasn't the same thing. lol. yeah, I know that, trust me.
ended up going outside, where he proceeded to go off on me about what were we doing, we were not moving forward in any direction, just living separate lives. I finally pointed out that he was just mad because I know what I want (to save the marriage) while he either doesn't, or doesn't know how to end it. it went on and on for a bit, wasn't pretty, but I remained calm, and the puppetmaster didn't have total control over me.
anyway, won't go into the rest of the gory details (this is long enough). I will say things went a little worse. I left, and got stuck in a boatload of traffic heading north. I'm talking, an hour drive took 3 hours. I ended up calling him and asking him straight out, "do you want me to start seeing someone?" he got huffy, said, "sure" and I said (calmly) okay, thanks, bye, and hung up. he called back, asking why I had hung up...I told him there was nothing more to say. He started to go off on me about how, like everything else, this is all on his shoulders. I told him no, it wasn't...he wasn't going to determine whether or not I saw someone else, I just wanted to know if he wanted me to. very straightforward, it answers a lot for me. and he told me to do whatever I want and to have a good time.
ouch.
but hey, it tells me a lot, right? the whole conversation yesterday did. And like I've started saying, I need to read the writing on the wall.
so what do I do from here? just keep going, living my life as if I am no longer married, but still let him tie it all up in a neat little package (ie, ask for the divorce)? obviously the man couldn't be clearer...he is done with me, or at the very least, not done with her and unwilling to put any effort in to save the marriage. do I take off my rings? do I ask him to keep the conversations we have strictly about the kids, nothing about our lives? at this point, I don't know what a 180 would be. and at this point, I don't know that it really matters.
sorry this is so long, but does anybody have any thoughts? I'd appreciate them.
as a side note, I'm having a great time and my friends are spoiling me, but its very low key at the same time...beautiful house right on the water. total dream home. I never want to leave. I told C that I was packing up the kids and moving into the guest house. lol.
Last edited by morgan; 08/04/0706:19 PM.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
hmmm...am I playing a game? I don't know. I'm home again. missed calling the kids for bedtime last night (I did talk to them earlier, and I'm sure they weren't missing it, it happens from time to time). H called 2x, I just missed the call. well, missed the first one, ignored the 2nd one (long after the kids were in bed).
normally the kids are back by around 9am on sundays, and I slept in today, so didn't call figuring they'd be back any minute. H just called in a snit try to figure out what was going on. I had told him I'd be back by drop off time on sunday, and was calm (and a bit yawny) and reminded him of that. he said he didn't know, since he couldn't get a hold of me last night. I think he actually thinks I went out with someone.
is that a game? who knows. but who cares, right? I've been very clear...if/when I choose to start seeing someone, I will let him know. and he made it clear that he wants me to. so when I catch up to him, I guess that will be that.
as to why he is acting pissy, well, I'm guessing it has more to do with lack of control over me...its not his business what I am doing right now. again, I told him I'd tell him if/when I start dating, which is more than he does for me, so what is there to complain about?
gee, aren't I the person who claims to hate games? well, I do, but wtf, I feel like I'm backed into a corner here. am I supposed to just tell him every single thing? or is letting his mind wander/wonder a good thing? I'm not lying to him, haven't lied about anything in fact, am being so straight forward, but at the same time, I guess he thinks in terms of himself...he would lie/etc, so he assumes I am.
any advice?
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
My stbx once told me that I deserve a OW who loves me for who I am. This was before I knew about OM and before we split up. It caught me by surprise to, but it really does tell you more about what's up in their life and not necessarily concern for yours. The focus is on themselves. I think it's a way for them to deflect guilt.
According to my stbx, you would think I've dated a 100 woman since our separation. Even after all this time, she still believes in this imaginary life she's made up for me. They like to create this life for you because it helps them to resolve their own internal conflicts.
I don't tell her squat about my personal life even though she still inquires from time to time. She's given up the privilege to know. I don't ask her about hers either. You no longer owe him any explanation about your own free time and you need to make that clear to him. If he was genuinely worried about a OM in your life, then he would give up OW and come back to you. Is that happening? It's not all about control, it's about their conscience and in my stbx's case, it's about the perception of her peers. She wants them to believe I deserved her leaving me. Never mind none of them have a clue about her OM.
"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare." -Mark Twain
thanks, astimegoeson. yep, h has told me it would be ducky if I found an OM. don't they know how much that hurts? or are they so freaking self involved that they think they are being, I don't know, kind?
I haven't seen anyone since our separation, but he is so chomping at the bit for me to, I swear he's making stuff up in his mind, like your wife. and I think you are dead right, its about perception of peers for my h like it is for your wife. he'll look/feel more justified if I can be held accountable for the same thing. and f him. sorry, but seriously, just take responsibility for your own actions, leave me out of it.
so what do you tell her when she asks about your life? does she push for details, like my h does, or do you evade the questions and she finally stops asking? are you forthright and tell her you aren't discussing it with her? just seems like no matter what I do, it doesn't seem to work with H.
Its funny, I feel so calm and cool at times. and then, even with my determination, I end up getting punched in the gut. he just dropped the kids off...I'm determined not to talk about my life except as it pertains to the kids, I'm determined to be a bit of a woman of mystery, I'm determined to really move on with my life. instead, what happens is I go out to greet the kids, and realize he's on the phone...with her. I know it was with her, no doubt at all in my mind, even if he didn't refer to her by name. and he ends the call by saying he'll call her later. so now I have that lovely image in my head.
I talk to the kids, and am upbeat and fun, although I know I look a bit tired today...not a bad thing, considering my weekend was so GAL-ful. H starts in on the questions, and I answer but don't elaborate, or answer but not answer. how was my weekend? It was a lot of fun. what did you do? their house was gorgeous, elaborated a bit about it. did you eat out in portsmouth? no we grilled. did you go out for drinks. Yes. who was there? anyone else? when did you get home? and on and on.
I swear it was like being interrogated. I answered openly, and happily/upbeat, but without a lot of detail. and he got pissy that I wasn't talking to him...but I was, and I told him. asked if there was anything else to talk about.
I guess I don't really know how to handle him. am I blowing it by not being more open? or does it even matter? and do I even want a man who is such an ass to me. obviously, no, I don't want a man who is such an ass to me, more like, is there even a chance he'll ever be the man I know/love again?
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
so what do you tell her when she asks about your life? does she push for details, like my h does, or do you evade the questions and she finally stops asking? are you forthright and tell her you aren't discussing it with her? just seems like no matter what I do, it doesn't seem to work with H.
I'm no longer standing as you are, but when I was, a good rule of thumb was that I avoided saying anything that might cause conflict even if it was something very innocent on my part. You have to be careful what you say, because they are going to look for anything they can blow out of proportion and say... "look at her actions, this is why I'm leaving her"! Keep responses short and sweet with yes and no answers. If I felt she was being disrespectful to me with her accusatory line of questioning, I would tell her I was done discussing this or that with her.
"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare." -Mark Twain
gotcha. okay, need to get better at this. I seriously want to sit him down and just go off on him...but that would be all gravy, so won't do it. instead, think I'll do it here.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
