Very Sorry Larry. Get it out here. Vent here. You have sympathetic ears here. But, . . .
Originally Posted By: LarryL
I could call her on it and demand that she stop this kind of sh**, but it wouldn't do any good. She would just be defiant and redouble her efforts.
This is exactly right. Now if she were physical endangering the kids or say, mugging down in front of them, then you would clearly need to look out for their interests first. But the truth is, you can't stop this and trying will hurt your chances and might hurt your kids.
Take the high ground. Rise above it. Calm, cool and collected. Handle this with class and dignity. Then, when you look back, you'll have no regrets about anything you've done. And it will give you the best chance. Also, not showing any reaction is likely different than what she will expect you to do (no?), and I'm sure she will notice. Different is good right now.
Hang in there, Nomo
M 39 W 39 M'd 10 yrs; T 14 yrs S7 D4 Bomb 5-8-05 W not working on M 1-22-07; EA 2-22 DB 4-10 S 6-11 No more C Link
It does stink, but it's really no worse than the A/OM in the first place. Of course, I know kid issues are particularly sensitive. Though I haven't completely moved on, it has helped me put thoughts of A and OM out of my mind to say to myself, I cannot control her. She makes her choices and will have to live with those and herself. All I can do is control me and my reactions.
Hang in there buddy. It gets easier.
Nomo
M 39 W 39 M'd 10 yrs; T 14 yrs S7 D4 Bomb 5-8-05 W not working on M 1-22-07; EA 2-22 DB 4-10 S 6-11 No more C Link
welcome to the alien world of your wife....the grandma's funeral and her response, if it's as unlike her as I suspect, is a perfect example...how rude of the grandmother to encroach upon your wife's plans....
okay, so the thing about the passion and sex isn't a small thing. You said she had a low sex drive after the first born, but obviously that has changed. Hence the cleavage at work, and younger man...as for the cialis, does she know you're onto that? I mean, sorry to be blunt, but does she know that the "issue is resolved" and that you are very attracted to her and willing and able to please her? Sorry if this is too personal, but wth? Here we are.
BTW, Vernetta is my coach, and I'm moving next week...back into the M full time...there are lots of issues and it isn't all resolved and smooth. I still see some cluelessness on my h's part, and I have to calmly tell him when only HIS needs are met (like for the move, I am doing about oh....97% of the work) and that he needs to step up to the plate. But I do have to say it as lovingly as possible which was an issue for me in the past-too much anger from the past. Vernetta was very helpful to me. Heck, she still is helpful and I have a session coming up with her. I expect to be talking to her for at least another year or two and then maybe for subsequent "tune ups".
Hating your wife DOES help with the detaching. You just cannot show or tell her. I had to bite my tongue so much when H was either spewing or revising the M, or giving ME a hard time and HE had done the leaving......OMG, so, I did a lot of forgiveness work and still am doing it, every day. I read some books by Marianne Williamson about forgiveness, "Return to Love", "Handling ANger" or words to that effect. Those books helped me to deep from being consumed by my anger. Doesn't matter that the anger is "right" b/c it kills US...and the WAS doesn't even know the pain so it does no good for us to stay in our place of pain. That trip to Italy did so much for ME, and for the kids...and in hindsight, was only a month or two before my h started waking up, come to think of it...hmmm. Food for thought. Do some more 180's, and do them for YOU...life is short and this isn't a dress rehearsal. What if your life were a novel? Who is writing yours? How is this chapter going? HOw do you want it to go now?
TS Eliot wrote something I found applicable, over 50 years ago, and I'm paraphrasing:
Half the harm done in this world is done by people wanting to feel important. They do not intend the harm, but it does not interest them. Or they do not see it, or they justify it in their endless struggle to think well of themselves..."
Stay strong and model for your children, what a dignified man does when life hands him a betrayal or setback. They will face them too, and they need to know that the pain you are feeling is not eternal or fatal.
btw, Are you alright financially? j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Good to hear some details of your story. Has there been an OW? Anyway, congrats on starting piecing the M together. Sounds like H still needs a lot of attitude adjustment though. Do you have a thread link?
Re the passion thing, that isn't the issue here. What she really craves like an addict is the EMOTIONAL high from the A. I think the sex thing with her is just a nice addition.
Re finances, we both do pretty well. We still have to work it out though. Gonna be fun.
So far, I have stayed strong, even with today's hurt. I have channeled the hate energy into the detachment effort: repeating things over and over like: "I don't want to be married to this woman anymore", and "He can have her."
It's been four weeks since the bomb. At first, I hated the OM. Now, I'm starting to feel sorry for him. He doesn't know what he's gotten himself into.
Larry
P.S. I love the Eliot quote. I don't want to get political, but it could apply to certain public figures...
M 63 W 40 M 4/91 S14/D9 bomb 7/6/07 D filed 8/3/07 final 2/4/08 thread
Sounding good. One thing. Channel the hate while you need, but eventually it will subside. And as far as detaching, doing so lovingly is much than doing so with hate.
Nomo
M 39 W 39 M'd 10 yrs; T 14 yrs S7 D4 Bomb 5-8-05 W not working on M 1-22-07; EA 2-22 DB 4-10 S 6-11 No more C Link
Wow Larry... I'm so sorry. They really do just lose all respect, decency sometimes. (even in piecing.. you saw the thing about H texting OW with me sitting in the same room right??).
You are absolutely right that it's out of your control, so good job just letting go. I think that's right too, to put aside the reconciliation goal for now. You can always keep that little thread of hope somewhere deep in your heart, but make her EARN you back if it comes to that... she has to deserve you.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
Wow Larry... I'm so sorry. They really do just lose all respect, decency sometimes. (even in piecing.. you saw the thing about H texting OW with me sitting in the same room right??).
You are absolutely right that it's out of your control, so good job just letting go. I think that's right too, to put aside the reconciliation goal for now. You can always keep that little thread of hope somewhere deep in your heart, but make her EARN you back if it comes to that... she has to deserve you.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
W and I just finished going all the way through the finances of the divorce settlement. We pulled it off with very little friction. I stayed strong and positive throughout. Overall, a big accomplishment. I'm giving myself hugs.
At the end, she asked "Do you have any questions or comments about anything else?" I said "no", and she just stared at me disconcerted. I guess my total lack of reaction to her incredible assininity with the kids is really messing with her mind. She's forced to deal with her choices internally without the benefit of any anger toward me or my reactions. She's on her own. Right now, I'm pretty happy.
M 63 W 40 M 4/91 S14/D9 bomb 7/6/07 D filed 8/3/07 final 2/4/08 thread
Get it out here. Vent here. You have sympathetic ears here. But, . . .