Tucson, or bust?

[Crazy Eddie]

My little outburst on the phone yesterday happened because I did something I 1)shouldn't have done, and 2) wasn't adequately prepared for: I jumped into the pit with her, stayed too long (shouldn't have done that)and started believing too much of what she was saying about me.

No, you've been believing too much of it all along, and that's why you react so strongly when she says it. If you didn't believe it, you'd react about the same as you would if she started b*tching about the antennae growing on top of your head.

You're ashamed of yourself, and you want more than anything for her not to notice the things you're ashamed of, and when she does notice them, it hurts you deeply. You'll never get away from that, or take that weapon away from her, until you lose the shame, until you accept that you can be flawed and still have the same rights as other people to be happy, to ask for and receive things from other people from time to time, and to have and do things for yourself after your (limited!) obligations are met. Other people are just as flawed as you are, and they are entitled to these things as well.

Not that there wasn't some truth to what she says, (e.g. financial imperfections, forgetfulness)

So what if you're forgetful? So what if you didn't do the bills right a few years ago? Do financial imperfections and forgetfulness mean you don't deserve anything for yourself? No trips, no concerts, no friends, no sex, no nothing? Sez who?

You, that's who. And you're wrong. If she had screwed up the finances, and you had taken them over and done well with them for a couple of years without interference from her, and she wanted to go on this trip, would you pitch a fit over it? Of course not.

just that she has an uncanny ability to focus on the negatives about me, ignore the positives (or just give them lip service) and paint me as some sort of evil, selfish, lazy etc., monster.

Of course she has that ability. She's a lawyer. That's what she gets paid to do. Doesn't mean that's the whole picture, as you should know, being a lawyer yourself. She's trained to push one side of the issue as convincingly as she can, and there's supposed to be an opposing counsel pushing the other side so the truth can be discovered. Who's representing you? You're trained for it too... time to step up, even if it's just in your mind.

Yesterday, she came home in a predictably grouchy mood and, at one point, I asked her to tell me what the "distressing news" was she had mentioned the day before, but which I had forgotten to discuss with her upon my return, later that evening. (I had also asked about this during our phone call yesterday morning). She said, in an annoyed tone, that she didn't feel like talking about it right then.

I said, "Okay, I've asked twice now. If you care to share it with me, go ahead. I'm not going to ask about it again."

Way to go. Keep that up and before you know it, she can run her mouth about your shortcomings all she wants and you'll wait for her point about why it means you should give everything and get nothing... and you'll see clearly that that point never comes. She might as well keep saying "you keep closing your eyes and laying still like a bump on a log for eight hours every single night... why should you get to go anywhere or buy anything or have sex?" You'll react more with confusion and compassion than hurt or anger, because she's really not making her case, and only your confusion lets her win such a crappy case.