Especially, (although they still found *some* differences in ranking of importance) "'It's refuted a lot of gender stereotypes ... that men only want sex for the physical pleasure and women want love,' said University of Texas clinical psychology professor Cindy Meston, the study's co-author. 'That's not what I came up with in my findings.'
Few gender differences
Forget thinking that men are from Mars and women from Venus, 'the more we look, the more we find similarity,' said Dr. Irwin Goldstein, director of sexual medicine at Alvarado Hospital in San Diego. Goldstein, who wasn't part of Meston's study, said the Texas research made a lot of sense and adds to growing evidence that the vaunted differences in the genders may only be among people with sexual problems."
But ... then I got to this (missed that it was just college students at the top of the article): "But this is among college students, when Meston conceded 'hormones run rampant.' She predicted huge differences when older groups of people are studied."
I would think that the results would get a lot different if you asked the same questions of older people. Relationship dynamics change everything, as witnessed every day on this board. I wonder, though, how much difference you might or might not see in an older demographic of unattached people? Do "raging hormones" make that much of a difference? or is it a "younger generation" moral/social change in what are percevied as appropriate gender roles?
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
Kettricken, I see a slight downside to the idea of "Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus" type thinking. In one way it explains some differences but it also negates many facts we are so much more similar than different.
Some people might use the M/V to reinforce their beliefs H/W will always have trouble getting along.
MJ, I totally read it wrong; my bad. I must say that the Lance-man sounds spectacular overall, so why nitpick?
.... did you tell him he provided *plenty* of fun? ....
I wasn't nit-picking, I was fretting but I've stopped. I think when you say "You're more fun than Cedar Point" to a man right after sex he pretty much will get the idea that you enjoyed it (he might also get a clue that you're the dopamine-ruled toddler type- sigh.)
Anyway, I was reading a book that might answer Cemar's question. It said that men want to form relationships with women who fill all or most of the following roles:
1) The Hottie (sex) 2) The Sweetie (caring) 3) The Pal (friendship) 4) The Prize (status) 5) The Person (respect)
So if you're married to a woman who isn't filling role 1 for you she probably is filling some of the other roles well and that's why you stay with her or why you married her in the first place.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Yeah maybe we should get back to Cemar's original question:
People have been mentioning the WRONG reasons to marry, and I know that I have some of the wrong reasons. But I was trying to figure out what are the right reasons to marry, assuming that we throw out desire and throw out "because they love me". Why should a Deida man marry?
I thought Burg had the perfect answer of why a "Deida" man would marry:
Because he wants to.
And, my words now, he therefore OWNS the decision and takes responsibility for the decision. He doesn't NEED his wife to act a certain way for him in order for him to have confidence in himself. He might appreciate, like, enjoy when she acts a certain way but he doesn't NEED it.
That is the bottomline issue I see with Cemar. I don't see him wanting to enjoy or appreciate things but instead demanding them and NEEDING them. Demanding and needy are not the most attractive characteristics to people.
For a personal example, I want very much to live on a farm again. I loved living on a farm growing up and the 10 years I was married. I am a farm girl at the core. However I have not lived on a farm for 2 years and probably won't for quite awhile. So does that mean I will give up this deep want? NO Does it mean I will be miserable and unhappy while I don't live on a farm? NO
There truly is something else. I can appreciate what I do have, I can visit local farms and see if I can help out, I can enjoy other things that I love, etc. I will still have that desire for farmlife but I will also be able to live happy and otherwise fulfilled without it for now. IT DOES NOT MEAN THAT I FORGET THIS DESIRE. Rather it means I will focus on figuring out how I can this life eventually.
I can remember my XH's last year of law school while we were living in the city. On the weekends I would suggest things to do and he would just shoot every idea down. He would frown, pout and say "I want to be out in the country sitting on my front porch..." I'd try to smile and say "I know exactly what you mean but since we aren't there yet what else can we do while we are living in the city?" He just stayed grumpy. I just let him have his pity parties even though it wasn't that attractive. I knew what he meant but it just frustrated me seeing him choose to be miserable when he didn't have to be. he could want to be in the country but still figure a way to make the best of where he was.
But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~Albert Camus
And, my words now, he therefore OWNS the decision and takes responsibility for the decision. He doesn't NEED his wife to act a certain way for him in order for him to have confidence in himself. He might appreciate, like, enjoy when she acts a certain way but he doesn't NEED it.
If he really truly does not need it, then why would Deida suggest that we divorce our wives?
Cemar my reading of Deida is this. He would suggest that if you are unable to open your woman with your consciousness, if you are too weak or she is too full of fear to relax into the embodiment of love then you have chosen or been chosen by the wrong woman.
He would suggest that if you are unable to open your woman with your consciousness, if you are too weak or she is too full of fear to relax into the embodiment of love then you have chosen or been chosen by the wrong woman.
Wow, I agree with that whole-heartedly. What's Deida's take on the chicken and eggy aspect of this? Does he think being with a fearful woman will make a man weak or vice versa? I really do think women need to take responsibility for the fear aspect, for their own good if nothing else. Last night I simply told myself "I am confident and curious and nothing but" and I had the pretty much the best date of my entire life. Of course that might have something to do with the fact that my new BF is quite possibly the coolest, nicest guy I have ever dated.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
