There and Back

[SallyM]

good for you, mkultra! glad you had a nice dinner. mmmm...meat. lol.

keep in mind, she's awful in bed, if they are even doing that. no, seriously, she is. he's just too weak from lack of protein to fight her off.

H's ow is awful, too. I've decided. actually, he kind of let slip a couple of months ago, not that she's awful, but that I am, somewhat better. gee, that doesn't really make me feel better, since he still chose her. Honestly, I think she is so messed up, I hope that once reality sets in, she will lose interest. or I wish he would. but he's blinded by her/addicted to her right now, so nothing I can do can shut that out for him. and I agree with you, this is a line I would NEVER cross, sleeping with someone's husband. I'm sorry, that's just gross.

[SallyM]

well, today is a new day, and I have NO idea what it will bring. I had a very weird day yesterday, described here.

will that bring any changes? don't think so. I have no idea what to expect of him on the phone even. I half expected a grand gesture last night in the middle of the night...him coming in, like he has before, and trying to talk me into giving him another chance, etc, etc. But nothing. which is good, because if he ever does want to make it work, I know it has to be less on impulse and more on real consideration.

honestly, I don't expect anything to come of it. except that it did give me a glimmer of hope that maybe he does still care, and maybe he realizes it himself and will actually consider it.

but there is still that part of me that knows it won't change anything, not really, and I know he is still a person who lies/cheats, and why do I want that person? no, he wasn't that person for 12.5 or so years, but he has become that person, and I think I deserve better. I know I deserve better. and I'm not sure he is capable of better anymore.

so we'll see what today brings. will be me, when I talk to him, won't wallow or mope or be angry or any of that. but will be really thinking about what I want.

eta, he just called to say hi to the kids...was really short with me. then at the end when I said goodluck today (last chat for the new job scheduled) I couldn't tell, but almost sounded like he was crying. but I might have just been hearing things...normally I can tell if he has been, think he was just yawning and a bit pissed at me. but whatever. it doesn't change anything, does it? wish he had therapy today, but that won't be for a full week (went yesterday).

[SallyM]

H just called to check in (not with the kids, with me)...weird, at this time of day. almost excuse-like. did not ask about the guy, so guessing that is done with. like I said, even if he had the slightly inkling of jealousy or whatever, it would pass quickly,a nd it did. the only thing he did do was reiterate my plans for next friday (he knew I was going somewhere 'cause had to get his mom to babysit since he has a festival). He went to it immediately last night, thinking I must have plans with this guy, but I have plans with two girlfiends and told him so. today he pressed as to what those plans are...I was vague, even though I know what they are (scrapbooking, lol, not that exciting...although suppose it could be, since one of my friends is in her last month of pregancy).

the thing is I was probably too chatty with him. is that right or wrong? I was normal chatty...he asked about our day, what we were doing, I gave him the boring run down (this afternoon mostly laundry/grocery shopping...woo-hoo!). maybe I need to learn to not talk so much? what do you all think?

still planning on heading out tomorrow and plan on looking really good. definitely an occasion for my new skirt. he knows where I am going and who will be there, but hey, maybe he'll wonder. hehehe. okay, not sure if that is a good move or not. the thing is, I'll be wearing my rings...something he doesn't do at all now. so ya know, not so likely that I'm really heading out on a date or anything. but then again, he wore his ring when he was cheating...easy to take off and all that.

well, speaking of laundry and grocery shopping, off I go to make lists/sort clothes. seriously, can you feel the excitement?

[SallyM]

it never rains but it pours. okay, h just called. he had the final meeting with the possible new job and I think he's going to take it. finally got the offer in writing and such, and its a good one...we think. so hard to know sometimes. the $$$ sounds good, and there is a fun perk (well, for him, not one I'll see unless we stay together). big lifestyle change with it...its an office job, something he hasn't had in a very, very long time. which wouldn't be an altogether bad thing if we stay together, and probably doesn't matter if we don't. the only thing I see it will do is lose him his therapy. his therapist doesn't have after work hours, so he'll give it up I'm sure.

a little freaked on some of the changes it will mean for us. a little freaked because its a new industry, not one he's currently in (and has been in for many years now). I'm scared because there is so much up in the air and new for us right now, that adding yet another thing is taking me far, far out of my comfort level.

but hey, at least he actually talked to me about it. and we weighed the ups and downs just like we have always done with every job switch. the thing that sticks out is I asked some questions (what happens to the pension? and such) and he always refers to it as HIS money. now, I know it isn't, and I know I get half of it and such, but still, I'm very sensitive to stuff like that.

OT, does anybody know what happens to a pension when you leave a company? his current one has a pension (he's fully vested), the new one has a 401k. do you roll the $$ into the 401k, or into an IRA/Roth IRA or something?

I guess I wish with all that is going on, I wish I knew his mind...what he is thinking in terms of us. is this over, do we need to use bonus for the divorce, or is this not necessarily over so we can put part of bonus down on a car for him?

so many questions...so little in my control. wow, is that hard for me.

and the thing is, I am proud of him for his accomplishments. even told him so. but the reality is, I dont get to celebrate them with him. not like we're going to go out and celebrate the new job (should he take it). because, and i need to remind myself of this, he doesn't want me. he's chosen another. he'll be celebrating with her.

since I don't get to be that one, can/should i do something different...get him a card, I don't know. just telling him I'm happy for him/proud of him was probably more than enough. but this is where it sucks all over again. because I want to do all the things I would have done were we still together. but the truth is, we aren't.

so do I just treat him like an aquaintence? just, "congrats" and leave it at that?

[SallyM]

well, that wasn't very db. I just called him (yeah, I know). asked him if the new company knew he was married...reminded him he had to make sure I was covered (insurance). I was very calm, not freaking out or anything, but wanted to know upfront, especially since he isn't wearing his ring. not sure how he is presenting things.

anyway, he acted like I was insane...actually, asked if I was for real. I didn't get mad or anything, just feel like so much is in the dark that I wanted that out in the open. too important.

[NNP1965]

he acted like you were insane, but did he answer the question?

[SallyM]

yeah, he said when/if he takes the job, he'll fill the forms out with me as spouse. which I am, but not sure wtf he is thinking lately. I just didn't know how he was presenting things. although I can't imagine he's going around telling them that he's separated, etc, etc, I think he's too private a person for that. still, I don't know what goes on with him anymore. so much is different about him and such.

what is weird is that he acted like I was being weird for even asking. its funny the lines he draws. like, he took the kids to get them haircuts a few weeks ago. he would love to buzz the boys, but knows I like it a little longer. I mentioned that i was surprised he didn't buzz them, and he said he would NEVER do that because he knew it would upset me. lol. even he had laugh at the things he thinks are important (trust, me, I almost lost it I was laughing so hard, it was absurd, after all he has done, to think HAIR was the sticking point for him).

[NNP1965]

That is absurd and I so get what you are saying about it.

[mkultra]

Has he introduced you as his wife to anyone? My H did that even after I found out about him seeing someone else. It is weird to run into to people and hear him say, "This is my wife, Mk, and these are my kids S2 and D6." I wonder how he introduces himself when he is with OW. I know if my son brought home a married person with a baby at home twice his age I would kick someone's a#@.

[SallyM]

we haven't been anywhere together since the separation. I don't know how he would introduce me if we were...I assume as his wife. maybe just, this is M, and then the kids or the like. and since I KNOW the ow, well, yeah, have been introduced to her as his wife, although that was a long time ago (pre-affair).

so-so day today. festival at the swim club today, so off in a bit to that. and I'm looking forward to my weekend in NH with my friend. have my outfit planned and will be ready to go as soon as H comes for the kids. going with a killer denim pencil skirt, white linen shirt, and red strappy wedges. I know I look good in it (don't you love it when you can say that about an outfit?). I know it will kill him because he's a total ass man and my skirt looks really good in that regard. but ya know what, I'll still be wearing my rings. I will. maybe I should (wink) forget them? lol. no, I won't, but oh how tempting it is.