journaling: feeling totally bummed today and yesterday. Had C and didn't seem to make me feel better. Maybe I need a new C. thought maybe baby steps were happening but last night found H has profile on online dating. H said it was a joke by a friend. Then said he is calling OW everyday still and meeting for coffee etc but as friends only. I realize I have to stop waiting and get on with my life cause I am waiting for a miracle that probably won't happen. I have been trying so hard to be upbeat and positive and focusing on me but I realized this morning it was all for him, not for me and I am such an idiot cause that is not the idea. I feel like I have taken 20 steps back. Leave for trip today so maybe that will give me perspective. Also realize I have no idea how to do a 180. I can't seem to figure it out for the life of me cause it does feel like I have tried everything. I've tried to be a good friend, I've tried anger, I've tried to be cold, I've tried to pretend life was great and right now I jsut feel like I should give up. How do I deal with reality as I think that is what I just hit? I know I have only been here a short time so maybe I am just impatient but how do I cope and hold on to the tinest bit of hope when I feel this way.
