I hope your session was good, I'm anxious to hear how it went, if H went, and if your okay.
focus on having a relaxed night, even in another room if you need to, but hopefully you won't. Take a nice long hot bath with some soothing music too.
or maybe your out having lots of fun?! hope so, goodnight
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
Hi ST - thanks for checking in! Yes, I was out having fun... so that's why I hadn't posted yet.
It went well, I think. H didn't go but was upset he couldn't make it - he really tried.
Kind of weird - I expected to feel more emotion afterwards but I've hashed it all out so much here, it's like I was kinda "done" and just basically told the MC about it all but didn't really "feel" it that much. If that makes sense. I told her about all of you and your advice, and she thinks most of you should get new jobs as MCs...
I intended to focus on all the positives but ended up kind of "stuck" in the negatives. I did talk about the positives, but percentage wise it wasn't that much of the time (which I was mad at myself for - which I did tell her, said it was just too easy to jump right to "how do I fix this?" for the negatives. She totally understood. At one point she said "So, why are you still there? Putting up with all this?" I said "Well because the good is SO good.. and 90% of the time, it's good." She said she always felt he'd come back but was surprised it was so quick. I said I thought it was a mistake... she actually disagreed, but did feel we should've talked more about boundaries first.
There was sooo much... but in a nutshell she agreed that what I wanted was totally reasonable (in terms of cutting off contact with PW, honesty...). We talked it through a bit and I said that for now I think I'm ok with just not knowing - I don't want to be lied to, but I won't ask where he's been/who with in "trade" for H not lying to me... it kind of surprised me I even got to that, but I did (and that's with just talking to her, no influence from H). I told her how I'd been looking at my finances and potentially an apartment if things don't change eventually and she was really surprised, said that I am prepared, resourceful, intelligent... it really made me feel good. She said I'd gone through a lot of growth and wasn't giving myself nearly enough credit for it. She said "Step up and own it, you've done a lot!" I said "I just feel like I have so much more to do" and she said "No, claim credit for what you HAVE done because it's a lot." I thought that was really neat.
There was more, but that's the gist...
She ended up having an appointment available in the AM so H is going then, before we leave for the concert/B&B. I am kind of worried because last time his solo session tore him up for HOURS and I am sooo excited about this trip. It's the first time in years I've talked him into a concert and I just wanted to enjoy it. But she couldn't see him again for 2 weeks sooo... in the grand scheme of things, it's better. I just really hope we can still enjoy the concert and B&B.
Gotta run for now but thanks again.. will post more soon! May not be til Sunday as lots going on this weekend.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
She ended up having an appointment available in the AM so H is going then, before we leave for the concert/B&B. I am kind of worried because last time his solo session tore him up for HOURS and I am sooo excited about this trip. It's the first time in years I've talked him into a concert and I just wanted to enjoy it.
Nikki, You sound like you have already talked yourself into not having a good time at the concert. My $.02:
1. When you first see him after counseling/before concert, ACT AS IF...you expect everything to go perfectly. Greet him with a cheerful "Are you ready to have a great time? I am so looking forward to this! Thank you for taking me/coming with me. It means a lot." 2. Don't mention the C session until after the event (strike when the iron is cold). 3. If this doesn't work and he still wants to focus on his C session, listen and validate and see where he goes with it.
All in all, with a PMA, I think there is a good chance that you can have your cake and eat it too (have a good time at the concert and still get H into C this week). SD
Me 41 W 41 Kids: S9 S7 Married 16 years Bomb dropped 2/2/07 Still living together! current thread
CHOOSE to have a good time, even if H is mopey. Choose happiness, choose fun, choose levity. H's feelings are HIS. You can be understanding, validating and supportive without taking those feelings on.
If H chooses to have a cruddy time, that's his business!
Have fun!
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
Very glad your session went well. And I'm so glad that you feel you have the ability to stay strong and choose to let H do his thing for now.
With H wanting to go soooo bad, it's definitely better for him to go now. 2 weeks would be a long time. and who knows maybe he'll get some things off his chest and feel better!
If you can, let us know how things go today.
Good luck for tonight! and if H is in a down mood, bring him to your level, not him bring you to his.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
Superdad, jak, SD, ST - Thanks so much for the reminder. That's a very good point. After I went to bed last night it actually jumped out in my head that I had typed and thought "wanted" (funny SuperDad that you picked up on exactly the same thing). I wondered who'd be the first to call me on it. I'm kinda glad that "slip" happened because it led to all this great advice though.
SD - I especially like the suggestion to just jump right into excited about the concert and not talk about the MC unless he decides to. I set that up a bit yesterday unintentionally. H asked how my session was and I just replied with "It was good, thanks for asking." I would've shared more if he asked, but he didn't and I was fine with him not asking. Might be totally different with his, of course, but I think that might have showed I don't expect us to have a big long R/M talk after.
ST Yeah, agree that 2 weeks would be way too long. The MC was also concerned he might take it badly that I had seen her first and she'd "side" with me before hearing the whole story, so she was hoping to see him as quickly as possible. Glad it worked out that he could get in today.
H just left for his session and I'm going out to look for an outfit to wear tonight. I picked one out yesterday and I loved it at the store but got home, tried it on again at home, and I didn't like it AT ALL. I've done that where I was "so-so" on something and didn't like it after I got home but never had something go from "love this!" to "hate this!" so quick. Oh well... gives me an excuse to get out and stay busy I guess. So I'll do that, then pack and get ready to go. Packing alone should get my PMA sky high for when H gets home.
I WILL have fun, I am happy, thrilled that H and I are finally going to a concert together, totally excited to be near the water later (the venue overlooks a lake), and plan to FULLY enjoy the romantic B&B (with the jacuzzi tub for two....). No matter what.
I probably won't be able to post again today, but will post at least a brief update tomorrow. thanks for all the advice and good luck wishes.
Hope everyone has a great Friday and weekend!!
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
(have a good time at the concert and still get H into C this week).
