NikkiB #18

[NikB]

Hi ST - thanks for checking in! Yes, I was out having fun... so that's why I hadn't posted yet.

It went well, I think. H didn't go but was upset he couldn't make it - he really tried.

Kind of weird - I expected to feel more emotion afterwards but I've hashed it all out so much here, it's like I was kinda "done" and just basically told the MC about it all but didn't really "feel" it that much. If that makes sense. I told her about all of you and your advice, and she thinks most of you should get new jobs as MCs...

I intended to focus on all the positives but ended up kind of "stuck" in the negatives. I did talk about the positives, but percentage wise it wasn't that much of the time (which I was mad at myself for - which I did tell her, said it was just too easy to jump right to "how do I fix this?" for the negatives. She totally understood. At one point she said "So, why are you still there? Putting up with all this?" I said "Well because the good is SO good.. and 90% of the time, it's good." She said she always felt he'd come back but was surprised it was so quick. I said I thought it was a mistake... she actually disagreed, but did feel we should've talked more about boundaries first.

There was sooo much... but in a nutshell she agreed that what I wanted was totally reasonable (in terms of cutting off contact with PW, honesty...). We talked it through a bit and I said that for now I think I'm ok with just not knowing - I don't want to be lied to, but I won't ask where he's been/who with in "trade" for H not lying to me... it kind of surprised me I even got to that, but I did (and that's with just talking to her, no influence from H). I told her how I'd been looking at my finances and potentially an apartment if things don't change eventually and she was really surprised, said that I am prepared, resourceful, intelligent... it really made me feel good. She said I'd gone through a lot of growth and wasn't giving myself nearly enough credit for it. She said "Step up and own it, you've done a lot!" I said "I just feel like I have so much more to do" and she said "No, claim credit for what you HAVE done because it's a lot." I thought that was really neat.

There was more, but that's the gist...

She ended up having an appointment available in the AM so H is going then, before we leave for the concert/B&B. I am kind of worried because last time his solo session tore him up for HOURS and I am sooo excited about this trip. It's the first time in years I've talked him into a concert and I just wanted to enjoy it. But she couldn't see him again for 2 weeks sooo... in the grand scheme of things, it's better. I just really hope we can still enjoy the concert and B&B.

Gotta run for now but thanks again.. will post more soon! May not be til Sunday as lots going on this weekend.