Thanks everyone. I know it was a long post, and I don't think I was clear enough on this point -- she asked me what I was really feeling. About 95% of the conversation was after that (and all the juicy bits). The window stuff was just a very small, very petty, but for me, very real illustration of how she's made me feel small over the years. I know I should have swallowed, but I didn't. Actually, thinking back over it, I'm kind of glad this happened.
1. I've said a lot of this to her before, but never when I felt, what's the word, strong in myself as I do now. 2. For the first time, I think she really HEARD what I said. 3. I did shut up before she tuned out. And this did last for a good 15/20 minutes or so. That's new for me. 4. This is the first time she's admitted out loud that she's afraid of trying partly because she thinks my changes aren't real. 5. First time she ever said that she didn't want to feel like she was leading me on. So it was the first time I've ever been able to tell her that if we were to give it an honest effort, together, working on the R at the same time, I wouldn't feel as if I were being led on. 6. I may have imagined it, but when I said that, who knows, I might find that you can't give me what I want, I think that surprised her at least a little.
One other element of the conversation went something like this:
"I don't know how to talk to you. If I don't share my feelings at all, then you might think I'm fine with the D. If I'm too happy and jokey, you're afraid to be the same back to me for fear of leading me on. I don't know how to be anyone but myself, but I don't know how to talk to you anymore. I've told you a lot of this before, and you said it was pushing you away. Tonight, you're actually listening and asked me how I felt. It's hard for me to understand what to say around you anymore."
Something to that effect anyway. Man, need to keep a recorder with me from now on.
Anyway, absolutely no intention of doing this again without her bringing it up first.
BD
My latest
Me: 36 W: 35 2 D: 9 and 5 T: 16 years M: 12 10/4/06: Bomb 10/5/06: Ended A 4/22/07: ILYBNILWY
