One of Dr.GLovers exercises is for the "nice guy" to go some where new away from regular surroundings and influences and try new behaviors. This is "safer" for a nice guy.
This is completely not the same but I know the moment that I started to break free from dealing with the whole nice guy thing just a few years ago.
Shopping for peanut butter.
I was going to the store to pick up some things and my wife mentions that we are out of peanut butter and could I get some. So there I am looking at a selection of peanut butter and thinking to myself " I don't know what one to buy ", but there was another voice in there as well.
"you got the wrong one", it was my wife's voice in my head. I was afraid that I was going to get the wrong one, actually thats not true I knew that I was going to get the wrong one. I'm sure that some people can relate to that feeling and maybe even the other voice in your head.
That was it I realized that it was ok if I got the one that I wanted as well that I was perfectly capable of making a good choice and could handle if it did piss her off a bit.
Walked home with the organic peanut butter, she asked if I got the PB and she took it out of the bag and asked "why did you get this one?"
"It was the only organic one" I replied calmly, she paused for half a beat and then just put it in the cupboard and went on putting things away. It was nothing really but for myself it was the turning point.
I know it's not the same kind of thing but I do really believe in work of Dr.GLover as being really on the mark but he does warn that some relationships will be sent to an overdue grave.
But more than I believe in Dr.Glovers work I believe in you.
FigiOrBust I don't recommend watching this one with the wife though. I had an automatic thought "why not" Maybe doing something like this with the W is what is needed.
"you got the wrong one", it was my wife's voice in my head. I was afraid that I was going to get the wrong one, actually thats not true I knew that I was going to get the wrong one. I'm sure that some people can relate to that feeling and maybe even the other voice in your head.
BTDT
Quote:
I know it's not the same kind of thing but I do really believe in work of Dr.GLover as being really on the mark but he does warn that some relationships will be sent to an overdue grave.
Yup, but then within 24 hours you will rise from the grave and be dancing a jig with wonderful spirit. Of course, you will still have to work on your tendency towards being "too nice" in future relationships. Like, if the guy you are sleeping with doesn't keep coffee in his house you might have to kick his *ss out of bed to get you some in the morning - lol .
You know Dickens really covered this whole issue quite well in Great Expectations when he created the character of the soft-hearted big guy with the shrewish wife he couldn't control because his own mother had been abused by his father. So, I guess Dickens would have been in Cobra's camp on the FOO issues. Pretty clear in my case that I felt like my mother abused my father so I wanted to be "nicer" than her. I clearly remember having the thought early on in my marriage "I will be a better wife than my mother" as I did things like cook a nice meal. Anyway, I was thinking that it's kind of weird that after so many years together here in virtual therapy land, I have no clue what HairDog's relationship with his mother was like. Maybe that info came down during one of my "vacations" from the BB?
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
How will you handle this if you don't go? Act like nothing, or open it up for dialogue? I know what I would do...LOL. This is SO about complete control. I am afraid she has had it for way too long and she won't give an inch until she really feels threatened.
I'd also recommend American Beauty, though hopefully your situation is quite a bit brighter than that one. I found it very satisfying to see someone finally reach a breaking point where they could no longer defer their happiness and needs, and take responsibility for their own happiness by taking action to achieve it (albeit with some poor choices along the way). I don't recommend watching this one with the wife though.
Isn't that the one where he hits on his daughter's friend and ends up getting shot?
a fine and enviable madness, this delusion that all questions have answers, and nothing is beyond the reach of a strong left arm.
Hairy, I'll join in the "GO!" camp. I see it as a control issue with her and you being in the "nice guy" camp. I did read the book and found I was not in that camp as I thought I might be. So start spreading those wings and go!
Scott -who is SF nerding all weekend at an SF Con which the spouse is not attending with him.
"Satisfaction is not guaranteed." Rule #19 Ferengi "Rules of Acquistition"
But the real question is who is playing in Tucson in October that's worth traveling for? The only thing I've found is Alice Cooper, ut I've noticed before that sometimes Tucson is the last to know what's playing Tucson!
Anyway, I was thinking that it's kind of weird that after so many years together here in virtual therapy land, I have no clue what HairDog's relationship with his mother was like. Maybe that info came down during one of my "vacations" from the BB?
I don't recall running across that either. Hey hairdog, how are you and your mom getting along?
(Also, she didn't give a baby up for adoption did she? You remind me a lot of myself, bro(?))
a fine and enviable madness, this delusion that all questions have answers, and nothing is beyond the reach of a strong left arm.
Thanks everyone, for commenting. So many questions, so little time. Fearless, I agree that just saying, "I'm going. End of discussion" is a recipe for disaster. I see that I have created a situation that is, depending on how you look at it, a lose-lose proposition, or a gift, an opportunity to talk about both of our issues. I intend to approach it with the latter view in mind. But if push comes to shove, I'm ready to push back. As I've told myself in other situations where I might get ambushed by my W or exW, "hope for the best but prepare for the worst." My little outburst on the phone yesterday happened because I did something I 1)shouldn't have done, and 2) wasn't adequately prepared for: I jumped into the pit with her, stayed too long (shouldn't have done that)and started believing too much of what she was saying about me.
Not that there wasn't some truth to what she says, (e.g. financial imperfections, forgetfulness), just that she has an uncanny ability to focus on the negatives about me, ignore the positives (or just give them lip service) and paint me as some sort of evil, selfish, lazy etc., monster. And that is something I am not.
Yesterday, she came home in a predictably grouchy mood and, at one point, I asked her to tell me what the "distressing news" was she had mentioned the day before, but which I had forgotten to discuss with her upon my return, later that evening. (I had also asked about this during our phone call yesterday morning). She said, in an annoyed tone, that she didn't feel like talking about it right then.
I said, "Okay, I've asked twice now. If you care to share it with me, go ahead. I'm not going to ask about it again."
Little steps, I guess, toward becoming a man who refuses to play the "you didn't ask me the right way at the right time" game.
I'm going to call my friend in Tucson today and talk to him about all of this. He may have some insights, too.
