Is verycrazy piecing or just crazy?

[25yearsmlc]

Dear L,
First, I have recordings of some sermons although I don't think they were made immediately, but within a few days...ask the pastor.

ouch!! WTH was he talking about with the "classy" remark?
Seems to me this has been too out of balance for a long time. Okay, let me sum up what I THINK you've told me on this bb.

BEFORE: You could have been a better wife. You gained weight and your self esteem was too low to feel good enough to socialize. You may even have complained a lot, been too negative and the "edge" may mean you really dish it out when you fought...okay. So, he had an affair with a Classy adulteress....

Enough. He is Not the victim here, or if he is, he isn't alone. He has been cruel to you for too long. His two nights of remorse last fall were emotions he has since hidden or repressed or whatever...as for your changes, ummm, can he just shut up and enjoy it?

I mean, I have let go of a LOT of crap with my h and the stuff I still feel is stuff I confront internally as much as possible. What incentive will my h have to stay with improving the R/M if I keep bringing up the past? Your h may be trying to sabatage your changes. Why? Because it conflicts with his self image? i think he has a really dark side he KNOWS exists, and he points yours out too damn often. I am amazed at his nerve with that remark, in front of your son too. You are the mother of his child. You deserve better and at some level, he must know that...

Is he kidding himself when he thinks he has to work on FORGIVING YOU as if you have nothing to forgive him for? I mean, can you ever say, CALMLY,

"H, so you know, I am working hard on changes I've made in myself For myself - and I continue to work on letting go of the past hurts you have inflicted on me... I need to know you'll let go of all the perceived slights and grievances of the past...otherwise, this IS hopeless."

This crap about the siding, PLEASE....great example of deflecting and attacking and holding onto his score card. Did he ever see forgiveness in his family? Does he even know what it looks like? I mean, I didn't have a role model for it so I'm winging this whole "let go of the past" thing, but it sure seems essential to me.

Your h needs to lose the score card, especially since it's So self serving...and biased and counter productive. Can you ask him "h, when you bring up the same old criticisms from the past, does it make you feel better? It sure brings me down and seems like it hurts our R..."

When do you get to take the hair shirt off? When is your penance done, and is he doing ANY? I know, not your job to inflict it, but he really is being very unfair to you...why? I guess he pushed some buttons in me, but if this is "piecing" what is HE doing for his part?
j-