My marriage is hopeless V

[25yearsmlc]

Scott,

with the emails your w is forwarding, make sure you keep copies of your own, so they are not redacted or edited. Stress your concern for the children's welfare and begin every relevant suggestion about them, with your desire to do what's best for them...You can also say things like "as you know, this was not my choice" but stay away from being too judgemental in the emails.

Incidentally, a woman I know moved out of her house 18 months ago b/c she and her h were getting a divorce but he worked out of the home so he got the house and the kids stayed there. To her credit, during the school year, she goes over each morning and makes them all breakfast, and each weeknight she makes dinner, and then goes to her place. She has openly dated another man. I have watched her h evolve from a self centered oblivious guy, to an involved dad who has really grown and in my opinion, is probably everything she had wanted him to be. But she has become selfish, and oblivious. Her daughter is my daughter's best friend. This is what she told me last night when she dropped her d off at our house: "I feel like my kids are closer to h than me...I don't feel as close to them....I miss them...they seem like they prefer him to me....and then she said she hopes "h doesn't start dating OW or bringing them into the house...I don't want to have another woman competing with me for my kids..." THIS IS FROM A WOMAN WHO LEFT HER H FOR OM...wth????

I couldn't help myself...I said, "gee, do you think that's a little selfish and hypocritical?" She said, "yeah, I can see that..." (SHE CAN SEE THAT??????) Granted, their M did suck 2 years ago and I saw no hope. But her comments were so weird and blind. Of course her kids are feeling closer to their dad...duh...

Point is, the WAS can and often is truly clueless. I also think this particular WAW might be a bit brain damaged from past drug use but still...what was she thinking was going to happen? And she seemed stunned when I said she was being hypocritical....I mean, wth??

Back to earth, I guess I'm the optimist for you. I think your wife "must" get the divorce, see you as a good catch (which does mean you have to be upbeat and on the move, so keep up the acting skills if you have to) she can co-parent with, see you through another woman's eyes perhaps, certainly through your daughter's eyes...and I think she'll come around. I don't know if you read my post somewhere else around here, but I once seriously considered OM b/c I felt close to him, h was an intern and either gone, sleeping or irritable as hell, etc etc etc. I ended up seeing a chaplain and then a shrink, getting into theater, (GAL) and stayed true to my vows, although the OM got transferred and I worry that if he hadn't, I might have done something very regrettable. Anyhow, at the time, I actually thought I might be falling in love with him. Looking back, I can honestly say that I must have been insane or hormonally influenced (well, we were at war and I was active duty...???)
b/c I had NOTHING in common with that guy (but he did look like kevin costner and my h was working so hard at his medical career 2nd career for him and not one i was thrilled with since we had 2 kids then...he was genuinely UNfun...) and it was so out of character for me to think that way. Of course these are rationalizations but I have to think of them, since I feel as if there were a few real reasons, other than my craziness. But damn, thank God OM left, and time passed and my feelings for h returned in full. I also saw the relief and joy on our kids faces when they learned that I wasn't getting deployed and that we'd stay together geographically. I could see then that if we had divorced, they'd have been so hurt, I could not have done that to them. Actually the original reason I went to the chaplain was that I couldn't handle the image of my kids crying or my h crying or me telling people "I met someone"....

I do believe your wife has these feelings of remorse, but she doesn't know yet that the "in love" feeling is passion that she had let slip in the every day life of a M, and was reawakened with OM and she has confused this with "love."

Give her time. You are already finding ways to GAL without slamming the door on her. As for the day to day problems being all yours, well, only to an extent. She has the kids more and that isn't all positive. Try hard to let HER be responsible for
her stuff when it really belongs to her...don't save her.

When you tell the girls, be as reassuring to them as YOU can be, that YOU will always love them and be around the corner and see them regularly and that they can count on that....if your wife is willing, can you say you guys are taking "a time out"? It could ease your kids into this, rather than presenting it as a fait accompli.

Have you seen a c about this? Some counselors specialize in telling kids this stuff....I feel so Sorry for you. ((sigh & Hugs))

there are a lot of really good women out there, don't give up on all of us...heck, don't even totally give up on her yet. She'll always be the mother of your kids. You have to honor that, but you deserve the same from her.
j-