Ok, that's it, I can't resist putting in my two-cents worth
HD - GO !!!!!!!!
(1) It's only $200 - it is not going to make the difference if your kids go to college or not and if it did, you have much bigger problems to think about
(2) I am sure, like many have said on here, that she spends a heck of a lot more on special diet foods, make-up, wine, clothes whatever to justify a hundred times over for you to take a lousy $200
(3) you were considerate when you thought about putting the trip to visit your friend AND the concert together, thus eliminating the need for hotel/food costs in addition to the ticket to see the band
(4) You have more than earned it after 8 months, it's not like it was the first little bit of extra you earned and why isn't she getting a second job to pay for her "special olives"?
(5) she is definitely freaking about losing control and nothing more
GO, HAVE A GOOD TIME AND DON'T YOU DARE THINK TWICE ABOUT IT
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
I think she will respect and desire you more if you go.
I suspect you'll feel better about yourself if you go -- imagine not going, and how that will feel, all that weekend, and the months and years to follow.
What about being direct about it with her? Ask her gently if it really is the money she is concerned about, or something else. Tell her your thoughts about it being important for you both to get-a-life, tell her about the book you are reading, and how exactly this trip relates to your desire to grow and have a happy life...that you thought it would be a good thing for your relationship, rather than what it is turning out to be.
Some of the suggestions folks have made seem unnecessarily confrontational and punitive to me. This conflict is, possibly, an opportunity to increase your understanding of her and more importantly her understanding of you. It seems unnecessary and undesirable to go in a way that will leave her resenting you and *misunderstanding* the intent of your trip and anything else you do to GAL.
At least state your feelings honestly, and make it clear why you're still going to go, and make sure she understands it's not to piss her off or because you're a selfish jerk.
I agree with the notion you should take care of yourself first.
Seems like her reaction makes it impossible for you to NOT go -- it'll be worse if you stay home.
Sorry if you've addressed these thoughts already. I didn't have time to read your whole thread. Btw, have you read the Way of the Superior Man?
I said, "Are you sure you want to know the answer to that question?" She said, "what...where you jacking off?" H: Yes, as a matter of fact, I was. W: You know, you don't need to tell me that kind of thing. H: I don't want to lie to you. You deserve the truth. W: No, that is just so "in your face." You can exercise some discretion in what you tell me.
Hairdog
Out of curiosity... Why did she ask the question if she did not want to hear the answer?
Because she wanted to scold you?
Just like she is scolding you for "selfishly" wanting to spend a measly $200 bucks on yourself.
She sure does keep scorecards...
I remember back when she had come across some extra money and bought herself a new digital camera...
You started playing around with it then and were told off because that was "hers"! Where the hell does she get off?
You say when she takes trips, she pulls out the financial proof that she has "earned" it and that it is her money to spend. What a crock!
When she works those "extra" hours, is that of any burden to you? Do you have to spend more time rearing your daughter? Does that not have value?
When you do the prep work on a remodel to save the family money, do you get any compensation?
My god Harry, you have to take a step back and really try to look at the dynamics of this relationship.
This is a "mother" child relationship. YUCK!!!!
This needs to be a partnership! Not a parent/child or employer/employee relationship.
I don't care how bad you screwed up the finances in the past, she has got to let it go, and of that you have to insist.
You have even told her now that you think you have been much better at responsibilities and remembering things. She asks you how you measure that and then disagrees with your assessment. Did you turn around and ask her how SHE measures it? WHY she measures it?
SolidMechanic had some pretty good advice as well. What a hypocrite she is.
I don't know how you can stand it.
Don't take too much offense with me here as I was definitely much the same. I did not like to confront, I lied about little things just because I knew there would be an issue and I didn't want to rock the boat.
I have three kids, 1 in college, 1 in high school and one still in elementary school.
I stayed for a long time "because of the children"
Then, as I was really spinning downward, emotionally almost broken with hardly any self respect.
I figured that I would rather show my kids that if you are so unhappy, YOU have the power to change things. I would rather teach them a lesson that if they find themselves in an unhappy marriage, it is OK to leave.
So I did.
I have since learned a lot. We split custody 50/50 legal and physical.
The kids adjust, they love us both.
But my ex... She HATES my guts. I think she had for a long time. I think with her total lack of respect of me, she just can't accept that I left. I mean if ANYONE was going to leave, well by golly, it was supposed to be HER! She was the decision maker, not ME!
Anyways, not trying to tell you to leave, but as long as you plan on staying, you need to step up and try and make this something you can be happy with.
My friends tell me, that Ive been such a fool, And I have to stand by and take it baby, all for lovin you. Drown myself in sorrow, and I look at what youve down. But nothin seems to change, the bad times stay the same, And I cant run.
Sometimes I feel, sometimes I feel, Like I been tied to the whipping post Tied to the whipping post, Tied to the whipping post, Good lord, I feel like Im dyin.
I'm just curious. If HD and his wife were friends of yours who had a good sex life and fairly good relationship and had the same issue pop up, would everyone still so quickly and easily say "screw her and go ahead and go?"
I am NOT saying that he shouldn't go but I just don't feel like I can wholeheartedly encourage him to go without having the balls to stand up to her and address THEIR issues. I think if he stands up and listens to the underlying reasons for her comments there is a good chance that they TOGETHER can figure out how he can get out to Tucson. This could be something they figure out together.
The theory seems to be that she will respect him for doing this but isn't it just as possible that she will add this to examples of how he does not listen to her issues and how he just avoids things and runs away from issues?
I don't mean to "pick" on Hdog at all because I think he seems like a really great guy. I just worry that simply insisting on this trip without the rest of the work will not be the best way for him to gain his own self respect and get his marriage back on track.
But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~Albert Camus
Fearless the theory is that he will respect himself.
Okay. I guess I misinterpreted the past posts on this thread.
I completely admit I am a newcomer to Hdog's whole situation. For me running off to Tucson seems pretty easy to do as long as he's willing to piss her off so I guess I am at a loss at what respect for himself he will really gain for himself?
Honest to God I am really on Hdog's "side." I think he deserves self respect and a good healthy relationship with an active sex life. I have no idea whether my ideas will work for Hdog but I know that they worked for me.
But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~Albert Camus
I just worry that simply insisting on this trip without the rest of the work will not be the best way for him to gain his own self respect and get his marriage back on track.
Agreed, 100%.
Neither will cancelling the trip and doing none of the work.
IMHO, the key is to try very hard to increase your mutual understanding of what this is really about, and what your going or not going would mean. And, if you still feel like going would be best -- that, despite her expressed concerns and issues, you still feel its best you should go -- then go. Don't go against your judgement because of her whims or irrationality or difference of opinion. My 2-cents.
Fearless the theory is that he will respect himself.
Okay. I guess I misinterpreted the past posts on this thread.
I completely admit I am a newcomer to Hdog's whole situation. For me running off to Tucson seems pretty easy to do as long as he's willing to piss her off so I guess I am at a loss at what respect for himself he will really gain for himself?
Being willing and unafraid to piss her off and able to keep his head screwed on straight while she's pissed off would be an improvement. So far that's been one of his biggest stumbling blocks.
a fine and enviable madness, this delusion that all questions have answers, and nothing is beyond the reach of a strong left arm.
This may sound a bit goofy, and might not at all work for you, but here goes.
Sometimes, in situations like this, I find inspiration in my collection of favorite movies. One that comes to mind here is "The Truman Show". Many people don't react to that film in the same way as I have -- for me it's quite a bit deeper than the quirky situation the main character finds himself in. To me, it's all about finding courage to live by the judgement of your own mind, and honoring your own right to find truth and happiness, even if doing so conflicts with those around you who claim to care about you.
If you happen to watch it in the near future, I'd be interested to know if any of it resonates with you. Or anyone else here.
It'll also explain my choice of username here on the board, if anyone is curious.
I'd also recommend American Beauty, though hopefully your situation is quite a bit brighter than that one. I found it very satisfying to see someone finally reach a breaking point where they could no longer defer their happiness and needs, and take responsibility for their own happiness by taking action to achieve it (albeit with some poor choices along the way). I don't recommend watching this one with the wife though.
