There's no need to lash out, and there's no need for conflict to get back his balls. Going to Tucson is not a provocative move, as long as he informs her beforehand. She's talking nonsense, and he doesn't need to "fight" her... he just needs to filter out the nonsense and stop believing it so he can get a life without fearing what she has to say about it.
I agree with what you say. It makes complete sense for a rational person. But she is not rational or functional, is she? If she were, HD would not be having anywhere near the problems he is having. The point is not whether her action are irrational to us but whether they seem irrational to HER.
Her telling him that he's a lazy, useless screwup that has no business spending $200 on himself should be as likely to provoke conflict as her telling him that the sky is a lovely shade of green today. Just smile and wave.
If she says something like this to HD, then it SHOULD provoke a conflict. If she wants to avoid a conflict she can watch what she says. But she has already made claim to that piece of ground, so she uses this in-your-face honesty as a way to intimidate HD, knowing that he wants to avoid conflicts. Notice that as soon as he did the same (with his comment on going downstairs to MB) she called him on his in-your-face honesty. Double standard. She can use it but he can’t.
I lived my whole marriage with this same standard. I believe that my wife and HD’s wife have a VERY hard time putting themselves in another person’s shoes. They do not realize the jab they give to others with such tactics but they are very sensitive to when it is used on them. This is natural for children raised in a traumatic environment. In fact, it is so natural and predictable you could call it “cookie cutter” (as Nop said once about affairs).
This is why I think it is SOOOOO important for people with spouses like this to fully understand what they are dealing with, not to fix the spouse, but to know how to deal with him/her to get the results you want. With this understanding, the actions of the traumatized spouse start to make sense and you can detach yourself (to some extent) and find a different approach to the situation. This does not mean it ever becomes easy, but it is at least not hopeless. That is what I have been trying to convey here.
