Well I offered to take H to get his car at the shop today. It is an hour away, and he agreed. I actually am surprised his OW was ok with it, because she usually won't let him do anything like that. Today is his day with the kids, and I figured that if I didn't help him get his car, he would come up with excuse after excuse and by the time he did get his car it would be to late to see the kids. They really want to see their father.
But now I am kind of panicking. I think I will just play it off like he is a really good friend, and just keep everything very casual and pleasant. I think this will give me a chance for him to see some 180 behaviour, although I know he is still to deep in the fog for it to make a difference, but just maybe it will?
Is there any other family members who can help watch the kids when you go to work? If things do get legal it really will be in your favor to have primary custody so I'm not sure why you're pushing him to spend time with them. I realize you are doing this for them. Yes, it's important for them to have a father in their life. But right now I really think it would be much more effective for him to feel what it's like to "lose" them. The less he begins seeing them the more opportunity he'll have to miss them. This may take a bit of time, but eventually it will happen. I'd keep the kids with me as much as possible and document it. Also, this will keep OW from having less contact with them as well. I understand the kids want to see their dad and will miss him hugely, however, it may be better for them to have less contact with him while all this drama is going on. You could explain to them that right now Daddy is going through a difficult time and needs some time away from the family. Eventually things will settle down and their dad will feel better and want to spend more time with them. Explain that sometimes people get confused in their lives, it has nothing to do with them (the kids), he still loves them deeply, but he needs alot of time alone to think about things.
So stop contacting him and start focusing on you and the kids. Imagine he just died in a car crash and you need to build up a life without him in it. Let him go...
Also, if I were you I'd open a separate bank account and start depositing my own checks there. You don't want his financial irresponsibility affecting you and the kids.
One more thing... have you considered a possible job change? Maybe this would be a good time to consider looking at other opportunities. Perhaps a better position? Better pay? Yeeeeeeah!
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
"although I know he is still to deep in the fog for it to make a difference, but just maybe it will?"
Don't expect it. Also, take it from me.... if he comes back too quickly without really learning a lesson about what it's like to lose you and his children... the chances are higher it could happen again. That's my own personal experience speaking there... This will take time. He needs to feel the loss and what it's like to lose all of you, and you will need to detach much more and do a lot more growing.
I don't think you should have offered to get his car for him.... but since you are. Make sure you are attractive, friendly, happy, joking, flirty and COMPLETELY INDEPENDENT. Be an interested listener, but insist that life is great. Imagine every guy wants you and this lughead husband can only wish it were him... Life is good!!!
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Unfortunately we moved away from family and we never really had alot of family on either side. I have a few friends to watch the kids, and am slowly growing that network of people.
I am not pushing the kids, we have set days (his days off) that he takes them. And this last week he mentioned in two phone calls (that he initiated) that he wanted the kids on his off days for a few hours, those were the days I didn't hear any more about it. I did tell him yesterday that he needs to communicate with me, I do have a life and he was understanding.
I did exactly what you said when we went to get the car, I was attractive, friendly, happy, joking. Asked him about work, let him do all the talking. Even when the talk involved stories of the OW (since she works with us) I did not flinch, I just acted like he was a good friend, no ties, etc. I honestly think it did work a bit, because when we got home, he hung around and talked and even spent a couple hours outside doing yardwork. We had to stop at the store on the way back to my house and typically he would not want us to all go in together because he is afraid I would get my hopes up, etc, blah, blah. But today he insisted we all go in the store together, once in the store I went my seperate way, and made sure to keep my distance, etc. The OW even called while we were in the store he mentioned he was in the store picking up stuff, but never mentioned he was with me. He asked her, do you want something? but not in the way did she want something from the store, more in the way of why are you calling me?
Then later when he was doing yard work and we were outside, the phone rang, and he didn't even look at it, he just pushed the button to not answer. I know it was her, because she went and got him his own phone so she can call him on it.
She calls him all the time, and is always at his house and I get s sneaking suspicion that he is getting tired of it.
who knows, maybe i am reading more into it. but today was definetily different then before, and I will just continue on with the LRT since from what I can tell it appears to be working?
oh and I really dont want to look for another job. I only work 8 hours a week total (2 four hour days) and I am one of the highest paid people there. My store manager is a good friend of mine, and I really cant get a much better deal then I have now. Unfortunately his hands are tied because our company has no policy against fraternization, but they do make sure the OW and me are not working at the same time.
As a matter of fact, they had to change the OW's schedule, and they gave me the day off paid. :-D
Hummmmm.... sounds positive, but don't get your hopes up. These things can go up and down quite a lot before things are over and you really do want your husband to learn a good lesson and hopefully, at some time in the future, BEG for you back. My husband is not the begging type, but I finally learned that having him REALLY WANT to come home without any push from me (and no promises of "change" or "things will be better" blah blah blah) was really the best thing. That doesn't mean I didn't own up to problems in the relationship and wouldn't try to be a better wife, it's just I might not always be perfect, or someone he'd always be happy with and that's something he'd just have to accept.. and be thankful for what he did have (i.e. a best friend, lover, someone he could always count on, always there for him though thick and thin, wouldn't have an affair on him, will love him until we're old and grey --even if he does become stupid again and leaves!-- great listener, etc... Hey I'm very valuable and YOU are too!!!!!)
Anyhow, I'm glad you are making friends in your neighborhood and perhaps trading off on child care... For a short stretch of time can the foster child babysit (for a bit of money) or even the 12-year-old? I know some kids are more responsible than others. My daughter could probably have run the White House when she was 9, but I'm not sure my son will EVER be able to take care of himself.
I'm also REALLY glad you are being a good listener to your husband, letting him rattle off about OW and not showing any jealousy or anger (that my dear will make a very good impression!). Always take the "high road," try to be tactful and treat him like an aquaintance you'd like to make a good impression on. If you mess up apologize and say something like, "Wow, that was rude of me. I wasn't thinking.. my apologies!" AGREE WITH EVERYTHING HE SAYS! Even if it's totally wrong and he's completely insane (although that does not include legal or financial matters). If he says, we weren't getting a long and this is the right thing just smile and say, "I think you're right... I understand... that makes sense... " and then change the subject to non-relationship stuff. Smile ALOT!!!!
And start looking HOT all the time!!!! Any physical 180s you can do to look great are to be done now. Buy a push-up bra, a few attractive outfits, do your nails, hair etc... hire a babysitter and "look" like you are going out for a night with friends. Heck, take yourself out for a chocolate martini and then rattle around the bookstore for a few hours. Never say what you are doing or who you are with. Be mysterious!!!!
Also, do REALLY fun things with the kids. Take them to fairs, lakes, the beach, etc... take lots of photos and give him copies of those photos so he can see what he's missing. Have a FABULOUS FAMILY without him!!! Create that for yourself and the kids. Make you and your family the best place to be.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Thanks again ROOT. You are right, I need to not get my hopes up, but I do see today as a step in the right direction. I have already done a few things. I did tell him today how the kids and I went out of town and visited a friend and how they had fun at the pizza place on Saturday, he was surprised by that.
I have already told him a couple times I was going out, and just went and hung at a friends, but he didn't know that. LOL
I had my hair done and it looks great a few weeks ago, he even commented on it. I have been losing weight, and everyone around me is noticing. I plan on getting a gym membership and getting back in shape.
You are so right, I need him to want to come back, to be able to tell me he was stupid, and that he is sorry for the pain he put me through. I know full well he is NOT ready for that at all, but I do think I have him guessing right now.
It feels good to just be able to do something not only for myself, and my kids, but something that may help us reconcile, versus me laying in bed crying being miserable (the first two weeks). I am starting to feel my old self come back, the girl I was before I was a mom and a wife. That does not say that I do not get lonely, it sucks really bad not having someone to talk to at night, or sit with me and watch tv with, but I did it before him I can do it again. At least this time I have my kids to keep me busy.
Yes the foster will babysit sometimes. Problem is the 15 month old is quite a handful, I usually only have my foster son watch the baby if he is sleeping and I just need to run to the store etc. He is just to much to handle for even the best of adults. LOL
Quick question. H's birthday is the 26th of this month. I was thinking of taking the kids down and getting a pic of all of them, and then framing it and giving it to him from the kids. Then have each kid make him a gift and a card. What do you think of that? I think it would be good for him to have a photo of them to look at every day?
Very good, I too did this with a picture of my son. It sends a message to them. Make sure it is just the kids though. If you are in the picture it will change the meaning, more like pursuing
Husband
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
