One link at a time

[BeingMe]

Just occurred to me .... maybe, this is a sign that my H and I should go our separate ways. Things are being put in our paths that lead to separate lives. Or, am I just crazy. At this point, I just don't know what to do. I feel it's out of my hands, in a way. No matter whether he stays with his present job, or takes the new one, we are living separate lives, spending about 2 or 3 weekends together per month now. Sure, we talk on the phone about 3 or 4 times a day, text often, but is that enough?

My H had no choice (he felt) but to take a job in the USA, since the paper company he was working for was reshuffling, reducing staff (after a takeover) so it was likely he would've lost his job - many did lose their jobs, head office is moving, and his old job no longer exists now. In retrospect, he reacted out of fear of not having a job, whereas, maybe they would've kept him on. I don't know, but now we are stuck with his looking outside our area for good paying jobs, and all that's been available has been in the USA. If my D14 were 18 then I would not hesitate going with my H, but now I wonder if I should just end the M now, and stay here. Or, we can just separate on a possibly semi-permanent basis.

I think we are possibly fooling ourselves into thinking it may work, and I guess we can give it a try for a few months and see how it goes.

AAAAAGGGGGHHHHH!!!! Phew, feel better now.

[Phoenix_spark]

Let me think about it tonight. Maybe off the radar.

[Aud31]

Just playing 'devil's advocate' here...and again, I really don't know your whole sitch, but maybe some sacrifice/leap of faith is needed to save your M. I understand you're already basically living apart, and you're unhappy, and feeling like H really isn't in it for you. It physically hurts.

But he did say he does want things to work out.

I know that when I was 14 I thought my parents should do anything/everything to make me happy, but honestly, if it came to a choice of moving to a different country and starting over vs. my parents staying together? No question. Hands down I'd rather have an intact family. Wouldn't S20 feel the same?

To be perfectly honest with you, coming from a wonderful family, I had no idea what happiness really was at 14 or 20. I think I'm just now starting to glimpse it, and the challenges I have faced have played an integral role in finding it--as hard as they have been.

There are good schools in other places, new friends to make, etc. Wouldn't moving with H and making the best of a less than desirable situation set an important example for your children of perserverance/delayed gratification/faith?

I know, I know that you have been at this for a long time. I know the road is long and the burden is heavy. I know I've felt like giving up too. Somehow though, I just cannot subject my little ones to the realities of parents living separate lives, possible future step-parents, awkward family gatherings, the fear in their hearts that maybe this is all their fault. I will do it if there comes a day that there is absolutely no chance of saving my relationship. But as long as there's a glimmer of hope, I can't let it go.

If there are currently abusive dynamics in your family, please disregard all of the above. But otherwise, what are we really living this life for?

((hugs))

[ACJ]

BM I have to agree with Aud.

[BeingMe]

Thanks for posting, Aud and Alison! Look forward to reading your response, Phoenix. There are no abusive dynamics in our R, except for some passive-aggressive behaviour on H's part, lack of trust on mine, and very little intimacy. Other than that, we are pretty happy.

My problem is that we have moved so much because my H gets dissatisfied/bored with a job after about 2 years and then he wants to change (although, there have been other issues too, on occasion), and that usually means we move. The longest we've stayed in one place, is when we lived in our last house in our previous city - 6 years (and, my H couldn't wait to leave because he hated the freezing weather in winter)! It gave the twins the chance to go to the same school from Grade 7 to high school graduation. I would like to give my D14 the same opportunity. I know that she would probably prefer a united family, and would most likely settle very well in a new city, but how long before we have to move again? As I stated before, she is in the Air Force cadets and one has to remain constant in order to get promotion, and earn flying lessons, and eventually (my D14 hopes) her pilot's licence. My son is also relying on our support (financially) for school, and we cannot afford to put him up in his own place, or to go into university res. Not only that, I'm not sure if he will stay here and complete his schooling if we leave (and, if he comes with us, he will not be able to work in the USA). This is a new city for him too, and he doesn't know anyone here.

I am leaning toward trying this out for a year, and if at the end of that year, it's just not working then we will have to find a solution that will benefit all of us. We can't keep following my H around North America .... I am tired of it myself. I didn't even want to make any new friends here 'cause I felt we would just be moving sometime, and I was right. I didn't mind as much when I thought of my H as my best friend (so didn't mind not having friends for awhile in a new place), and trusted him, but that's pretty much out the window for now, and he hasn't done much to change that feeling.

I am really torn here. More than any other time. I have never, in the past, minded making sacrifices for the sake of my H's career, but I moved here for him despite my qualms and trust issues, and I told him that I do not want to move again. And, here we are, facing the very thing I did not want. When is he going to make sacrifices for me and his family? He could've waited out all the changes at the last job before being forced to make a decision. He is depressed and wants to fill his life with changes, and we just have to follow along?

Anyway, he doesn't want to move our D14 either, and he wants S20 to get his degree, and there will be no other way to do that. He says he's going to talk to the kids this weekend, so we'll see what happens then.

Ugh, so sick of the drama that is my life, sometimes. Just want some peace and quiet for a time, and the chance to settle down.

Aud, my kids have learned a lot about perseverence/delayed gratification, etc. from all the moving we've made. Our family immigrated from our birth country 11 years ago, and I can tell you, it was not picnic in the park for our kids. They had to learn how to adjust to a whole new country with totally different culture, values, histories, etc. than where we come from, plus having not family to fall back on, etc. Immigration is the hardest thing I have ever experienced (harder, even then my H's betrayal in many ways). They, then had to adjust to living in the USA a year after we arrived in Canada, then back to Canada after the USA. It's a lot for kids to have to deal with. It's almost like being in a military family, except I think we've moved more often than most military families. I think our job as parents is to give our kids a stable, constant home, and I think we've failed in that regard, to a certain extent. Although, our kids haven't lacked for anything materially speaking, but they have in having long friendships, which I think is important.

'Eh, this is getting long now, so thanks again for posting. Hope everyone is having a good week.

[ACJ]

I'm glad your H wants to talk to the kids about this sitch at the weekend BUT shouldn't the two of you gain agreement first. I learnt the hard way that unless you present a united front the walls come a tumbling down before very much longer. You are right this really is a big issue, not least b/c your H (from what you have written) seems to only be thinking of himself still. If your H really wants your D & S to stay put in the educational establishments they are already in he wouldn't even have suggested this idea. My view is that it is time he put his family's needs first (but yours may be very different).

[BeingMe]

Definitely, Alison! I will make sure I speak to him before he speaks to the kids, to find out what he wants to say. My needs are different, but I am willing to put mine aside for the sake of the children. Unfortunately, he made the decision to leave his last post (prematurely, I feel now), pursuing a job that seemed really great, with excellent salary, good prospects, but it turned really bad (his bosses are the worst, the project was behind when my H arrived, the travelling is a b*tch to this out of the way city, etc. etc.). Now, he has been given this much better opportunity, with a great international company. He is hoping this will be his last job and he can retire with this company. This is what he says, and hopes, but it rarely works out as expected with my H. I don't think he is completely thinking of himself (maybe I'm being too forgiving here) because he does want to support his family to the best of his abilities, I think, but there is an element of selfishness too.

Anyway, I appreciate your posting, and you are right about presenting a united front, and I will speak to him about how we are going to go about doing that.

[ACJ]

Unfortunately, he made the decision to leave his last post (prematurely, I feel now), pursuing a job that seemed really great,

And can either of you really say this won't happen again? If you can't, stay put otherwise you will be helping him run forever.

[ACJ]

Unfortunately, he made the decision to leave his last post (prematurely, I feel now), pursuing a job that seemed really great,

And can either of you really say this won't happen again? If you can't, stay put otherwise you will be helping him run forever.

[BeingMe]

No, can't say it won't happen again, Alison. I do know that he needs to leave the company he is in now. They have still not paid his expenses for the last month - over USD $15,000. We can't afford to carry this kind of expense. They, in fact, have not even paid his salary into his account, and it's the second of the month, and we have things that are due for payment. They are inept, unprofessional, and I know I am fed up, so I can just imagine how angry my H is, being treated this way. We are, in fact, thinking of suing them because they messed up his ability to cross the border easily (he has a permanent mark now on his record at the border, because they gave him the wrong letter to present, and other wrong information), and we may end up having to sue for his expenses, and salary (we heard that the person he replaced, had his salary withheld for a time for some reason or other - not sure if he ever ended up getting it, but they have no right to withhold one's salary, no matter how badly you are running a project, and my H is doing a great job considering the d*mn project was behind schedule when he arrived). I think he should get out now, before they mess anything else up.

So, quite honestly, I am happy that he is taking the other job, for the above reasons. My only concern is the children and their schooling. Just wish he could get a good job here in Canada, as much as I love the USA.

Thanks for posting, and I do appreciate your and everyone else's input. This is a real conundrum. Just hope it doesn't mess things with our M - I will try really hard not to let it.