You can poo poo the FOO FOO all you want, you can even run, but you can’t hide. I can see how all the problems you are talking about are directly FOO related. If you don’t confront your own issues, such as not being totally honest with her to avoid a fight, then you can never rebalance the power and you never put her in a position of having to readjust herself to the new you.
People like to talk about self respect on here, but for someone like your wife, respect is not on the radar screen. Ego is the bigger factor, that along with past conditioning. All she knows to do is what she has done in the past, and that is to control everything as the only way to keep the family together. That’s the martyr, right? I bet she thinks SHE is the one making all the sacrifices, not you. She has restored the finances, she thinks of the kids before herself, she sticks out the marriage in spite of your continual requests for sex (gasp!). This way of thinking is all warped, but it is supposed to be this way for any good self respecting narcissist.
My wife does a lot of the very same thing. Her actions say “control” to my and everyone else, but she does not see it that way. She is sacrificing herself, doing the hard work, taking the tough stand that she thinks I or others will not do. Soooo, if you look as this a test of your power and a need to stand up to her, then all you will get is a war, which is what has happened in the past, right? It didn’t work before so why try it again?
You really have to see that she is doing this out of fear, but fear from her past that shape her responses to the point that she knows no other way to respond, even if there isn’t any real fear present today. The biggest 180 you can do is to explain to her what you have said here. Be calm, don’t let her sidetrack you, but also tell her why you feel the need to stop the nice guy routine, why you feel you have to stand up for yourself and most importantly, that you are doing all this as sacrifice for HER, as convoluted as it may sound to her. (Actually, there is truth in that last statement.)
Reassure her fears. Tell her what you want in a marriage, how you want to be with her and her only. Tell her you have listened to her complaints and you are trying to make those changes, but you need to do that in your way, not hers. Tell her straight up that this is an important psychological hurdle for you to break away from walking on eggshells and FEARING her, but you do this to become the man she can get closer to, not fight with.
All this other talk about challenging her control and getting back your balls, etc, is true, but is also a confrontational path that will backfire. It is also not an HONEST path. Just standing up and fighting with her is actually a lie of sorts, because you are not being honest with her about expressing your hurts and your vulnerability. Rather you are lashing back at out because of your hurts. That is the dishonest part.
One other point. Tell her that you understand she is feeling jealous over you going on this trip and that she might have concerns that you could have fun with your friends that could run into some stray female looking to pick you up. DON’T ask her if she is jealous. She is, but she won’t admit it. Just tell her that you are glad to see this side of her because it tells you that she really does care, but she has nothing to worry about. THAT is being honest and that is something I think she will hear.
