My ride on the Roller Coaster called WAW Hell

[Heimlich]

Steel,

Let me say upfront that the following is skewed by a poor MC experience. She got us to talk about our feelings without giving us any alternatives or ways to get closer together. So, that said.

It doesn't seem like she is hesitant regarding anything else.

Are you two doing things together/spending time alone together. Not necesarily intimacy, but playing games, tv, idle chit-chat, whatever it is you two do that makes the R special? If so, that's cool. Is she willing to talk about making the R better by following suggestion in DR or any of the other R books? If so, I wouldn't push because of

Could it be that she is working on everything regarding the present and trying to avoid the past?

Dredging up the past may be counterproductive at this time. If she's working towards a future together, rehashing old hurts/pains might set you back. Eventually, yes, I think you have to get those feelings on the table. But, when your relationship is still balanced on a fine edge, I'd be more willing to focus on strengthening the R rather than focusing on what got you to where you are. Once the R is strong again, then go over all that other stuff. Who knows, by then, you might not even need to.

BD

[Steel_Box]

CVA
The first time I asked real casual almost passingly. Her response was that she had not had time, (she had been traveling earlier in the week) but she had C's card and would call him.

The second time I would like to think that I had a good tone, but I thought I caught a hint of something in her response. That is why I decided that I won't ask her about it again.

[dlt1]

Hey Steel, agree you should let it slide for a bit. The only thing you'll be pushing is W away. My C gave me my 1st feedback today. Basically keep working on spending easy time together. She put in a diff perspective:
"It is as if you are just dating again. You would not begin the process by delving into deep convo's about emotions. You are more likey to talk about what she's been up to at work, how nice/bad the weather has been, what new movies are coming out. You have to find what you like about each other. Then, you can begin addressing past issues that got you here, and how you will work to avoid making the same mistakes."
You have to rebuild the bridge before you can look at the deep stuff underneath.
I asked C if she had heard of DR book. She had not, but then proceeded to suggest the same course of db'ing action! Really helped me to believe in it.

[Steel_Box]

Heimlich,
Yes we have been spending a lot of time together. We spent most of the day Sunday together with the kids and friends. Monday and Tuesday nights were also good. I wound up at her condo helping to put the kids to bed both nights. We have talked, laughed, talked about the R. Yesterday I actually made plans to go to a friends house because I felt that I had been spending too much time with her,(that sounds weird)and didn't want to overdo a good thing. We have even agreed to do something together a date for this Saturday.

As I sit here and write this I'm realizing that I really have a alot going well, and I am looking a gift horse in the mouth. I guess I should remind myself to look at the positives. I think I just got a little fixated on the C thing. I'm going to drop it for now, shut up, and enjoy what I DO have instead. Sorry.

Thanks for the head check

[Steel_Box]

Thanks dlt1,
I was busy typing and still trying to work. missed your post in the process. I agree, I think I was looking too much without seeing. I'll keep working on the bridge instead of testing the water.

[Heimlich]

Steel,
Here's to hoping you're not around when I get to your point and need my own head check

And, I had forgotten, you got to see your wife nude. No more complaints from you for a week

BD

[Steel_Box]

Here's to hoping you're not around when I get to your point and need my own head check

Let's hope I am, and it because you get there quicker than you expect.

And, I had forgotten, you got to see your wife nude. No more complaints from you for a week

Thanks BD I needed that. I will do my best. No complaints unless its a complete meltdown.

[Steel_Box]

BTW I have not discussed DR or any other books with her. She knows that I have been reading but she doesn't know what. The only thing I have done was asked her to take the 5LL test. I typed it up and sent it just saying that it was an experiment of sorts, and asked her to let me know her results. I told her I didn't need to know the answers to the questions, just the totals. She hasn't done it to my knowledge.

Should I ask if she wants to read DR or others, or maybe leave them out? To this point I have keep them out of sight.

[Heimlich]

I'd say keep 'em hidden for a while. I found the books by the Gottman's to be really good if she's willing to go through some of those exercises with you. I also liked Mort Fertel's marriage fitness. He pretty much just cherry-picked a bunch of stuff from others, but I think he's pretty heartfelt and the book made sense to me. Might not for everyone, though.

Just curious, but have you read the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People? Just reading it again after a loooong time. Many of the principles that underlie DR and DB are the same.

LA -- is that LA or Louisiana?

BD

[Steel_Box]

Louisiana. BR.

I'm familiar with the 7 habits but i have not read it. I'll look into it

I don't know the Gottman's - enlighten me