I'm going to go thru your reply one point at a time. First of all, regarding sex, you said, "I may disagree and tell him so..." That is what I meant by disregarding his feelings. I am wondering why you don't use this opportunity to talk? To show some backbone? To do a 180? Instead of, "That's ridiculous!" How about, "Why do you feel that way?" You may not like the answer, but I think that sometimes the LBS is so afraid of hearing something he or she won't like that we purposely put ourselves in the position of keeping things a bit confusing. That way, we still have hope. Believe me, I did that too many times in the past to count.
You said later on that he has never really shared his feelings with you, so I am expecting you will say that he won't answer that question anyway. I am wondering if he doesn't share his feelings because he is afraid of being shut down by you. Honestly, was he ALWAYS this way? Or, has it been his way for a long time, so long that it feels as if it has been always? Really think about that. It is important for you to make the distinction between him ALWAYS being this way or him being this way for a long time. If it truly is ALWAYS, then we need to figure out just why it is you got into this relationship in the first place! Think back to the beginning. What was the attraction? What kinds of things bonded the two of you together?
Back to the sex thing for a sec... Let's suppose he tells you again that he feels bad/sad/whatever after he has sex with you, so he won't do it anymore. Suppose this time you ask, "why does it make you feel bad?" The key here is to really listen to the answer. Don't butt in, don't tell him the reasons he is wrong, just listen. Tell him he has brought up some very valid points. Give him a chance to respond to that. If he doesn't respond further, just happily tell him that you will respect his feelings, that the last thing you want to do is to make him feel bad. What a heck of a 180, eh?
I think that you are so caught up in trying to keep him that you don't realize that even though you are not begging and pleading in the normal way we think of those actions, you are still stuck in those kind of behaviors. It seems that you think that the sex will bring you closer, so you push (yes, it is a push, even though it isn't obvious) to make it happen. Patience, HSS, Patience!!! Sex with you isn't going to be some kind of magical thing that is going to make him wake up and say, "hey! I do love you!" He has said it makes him feel bad. I'm sorry, that must hurt. I know it does, because my H said the same to me. And, at first I did the same as you...I had sex with him anyway. But, after a while I really started to listen and really tried to empathise with him. I am sure you don't want to make your H sad. Though it makes no sense to you, sex makes him feel guilty. SO, let this one go. Don't project into the future...don't start telling yourself that you may never have sex with him again. Think positive! Tell yourself that you will make love with him again, when he is in a healthy place.
I don't like to mention the possibility, but let's just say that things do not work out between you two. Is it seriously going to matter to you if you had sex with him 2 weeks ago or 2 months ago? It won't. So just let this one be. Let him do what he needs to do. I know you said you don't pursue him or initiate. I do think there is a small amount of manipulation going on there though. I am not faulting you- hell, I did the same things! Again though, just remember that sex didn't create your problem, and sex is not going to fix it. The underlying problem is still there, and the best way to get at that one is by listening to him and building better trust.
Don't apologize for not speaking well of your H. (Well, I think that apology had a tad of sarcasm, but I get what you're saying.) I understand that we come here to vent. But HSS, you really do build a better case (through your posts) for you and your H to NOT be together than you do for reconciliation. I cannot help but wonder if you want the marriage for the sake of the marriage, or you really think the two of you can be compatible. I never have gotten the impression that you want anything more than the stability of a marriage. Don't get me wrong, I am sure you want more than that, so I guess I should say that the impression you give is that you would be happy and relieved if he would just say, "I am not leaving." That, HSS, is a recipe for disaster.
You do deserve more than the H that you tell us about. But, since day one you have seemed to be stuck on the one thing you shouldn't be--- changing HIM. You have no control over that. Since your first post you have been overly focused on him. It seems that you are stuck in that place still. Yes, I know that you have tried the whole GAL route, and that you go to weekly meetings. It isn't enough yet, is it, HSS? So, maybe it is time to go over some goals. I know this is hard and I know it sucks, but only you can bring you happiness. You have been waiting a long time for your H to bring it to you, and I hate for you to waste another minute stuck in that cycle.
I have to wonder...if you are getting nothing from this guy, why is it that you are treating him like "the king of the castle?" Is doing that making him want to stay? Nope. So why put yourself through it? Why build up all of that resentment? I am not suggesting that you treat him with anything other than respect and love, but I am saying that you don't need to cater to his every whim. Those things are not what he wants. If it were as simple as that, you would not be here.
I hope you understand that I am not faulting you in any way. I just am challenging you to get out of your comfort zone and really look to find happiness within yourself. You sound so miserable each time you post. This cannot be healthy for you, or your children.
You said your H is like a caged animal. HSS, the best thing you can do is to let him out. Without guilt, without conditions. Let him go. I know it is easier said than done, but you are not the one exception to the rule here. You said he does nothing around the house and has no responsibilities. SO, in other words, you CAN survive him leaving. I think you will tell me that you are not stopping him. Perhaps not in so many words, HSS. But if you really do love him like you say you do, the best thing you can do is listen, validate, and ACCEPT. You have got to find a way to accept that your marriage may be over.
It is funny that I just said that... You see, my H told me (when we were in the middle of things) that he just needed me to accept that things might not work out. He even went as far as to say if I could just let go and let things happen that they would probably work out the way I wanted them to. He just needed to know at the time that I was listening to him and I wasn't disregarding his feelings. The more I came up with ways to "fix" us, the more I turned him off.
I think you are stuck there, HSS. What do you think?
