I was on my knees begging...and you know the rest.

[MissingMyHoney]

I had been to one other marital forum until I did a search and found this one. I ordered the DR book already and did read chapter 1 yesterday online. I come here to say my story, its not a great one but I admit to everything I have done.

My W and I have been together as a couple for a very long time. She was 18 when we initially dated, I was 31. Huge difference, it didnt matter to her. I didnt expect to be going through marital problems and so forth. Problems began since we got married. I have not been unfaithful to her even up to today. I did engage in online sex and online emotional affairs. For those things, I admit to do and I am ashamed to doing the online sex. Which she has evidence of and hold on to those evidence. I dont hold on anything she told me via email rather I delete them - I should have or maybe it dont matter.

To make a long story short, I found out she is having this emotional affair a little more than a month ago and I was totally devastated. I guess it was from the shock of it rather than anything else. To make matters worst she is moving out and now she wants me to give her another 45-60 days of stay. I dont mind doing so but every time I bring out something that relates to her she seems like I want to make her life miserable. I just agreed to extend my current lease to six months and asked her where she will be living to see if I should move closer. I didnt know she didnt wanted to move right away until today so now I know how much longer she will be living with me.

She told me that if I keep on pushing her she will never reconsider and she says it dont matter if I make changes. I realized that I should not tell her nothing about what I am doing and let her be. I have read some post where I should let her be 'free' and see if that is really what she wants. I wont contact her as often as I do. I will only ask the basics and try not to pay her too much attention and just focus on our child.

I have began counseling already, I quit drinking. I feel pretty good at times and sometimes I am outright down which reduces my work performance. Deep inside of me is so shallow. Which brings up a situation when she had our child she had a c section and I know she had a hard time getting out of bed and she told her she felt nasty since she needed to take a shower. I told her that her breathe stinks too - I didnt realize that she would have taken that comment to heart. She keeps on telling me that the comment I made hurt her feelings. She said I am very shallow. I know I am a bit sarcastic and I did reduce my comments to her as to stuff.

She is now miserable and said she cant take it anymore and I told her I wont confront her anymore about these issues. I will do what I have to do and try to do things differently and stay out of her face.

[whatsyourpoint]

She told me that if I keep on pushing her she will never reconsider and she says it dont matter if I make changes. I realized that I should not tell her nothing about what I am doing and let her be. I have read some post where I should let her be 'free' and see if that is really what she wants. I wont contact her as often as I do. I will only ask the basics and try not to pay her too much attention and just focus on our child.

That sounds like the start of a good plan. Even though I have had the lightbulb moment about how I was pushing my W away, I have had some stumbles when no sooner do the words leave my lips that I know I goofed. It is a hard habit to break.

One of the sayings you will find here (if you haven't already, you have a few more posts than I do) is that you can't trust anything they say and half of what they do. This can be hard to swallow because we so desperately want to cling onto anything good and keep a PMA.

You've made some positive changes already. You've got more of an opportunity for her to see them continue and be on the receiving end of actions that can lead to your marriage to continue.

Good luck

[MissingMyHoney]

Another interesting comment that she made is about me loosing and my ego. She said, "This is all about you not wanting to loose and your ego. You do not want a divorce becuase you do not want to fail." I dont understand what she meant but I do not think it is wrong for me to not want to fail as a husband and father.

[whatsyourpoint]

I think her comment is a great example of something that should be taken with a grain of salt. You should want to succeed as a husband and father. Knowing my current WAW and having realized that my first wife became one, too, I just remind myself that they carry around deeply seated bitterness related to how we have been in the R. Have empathy. Tell yourself (and not her) "just wait and see" and don't give in to the temptation to always express yourself fully. I had retreated into my cave of failure after a job loss and got into the habit of not feeling and not expressing myself to such a degree that when I finally began to feel and speak freely, I went overboard, and that would sometimes have the result of pushing her further from me.

Be patient and know that she will ride a roller coaster that you don't have to join her.

[MissingMyHoney]

I said to myself to be patient, for the past 2 days I have not looked at her online photos. I feel I need to do so to see what is the latest pic of both herself and her 'emotional lover.' But again, I chose not to login. I am ready to do things for only my child and myself. This morning I woke up late to see my child prior to leaving to work. Yesterday, it was not the same. She called me at 8:01 so I can talk to our child since our child was asking for me and she could not calm her down. I would like to see this happend more often so she can feel guilty of the situation but I need to take baby steps as to I am walking on egg shells. I can only live my life for 24 hours at a time. I dont see any weekend plans and I dont make any, I just do what I feel like doing every day.

[MissingMyHoney]

My story continues...Previous week Wednesday night, I confronted her about staying on the cell phone with this man. She refused to hang up and eventually she did since I stayed by the room door and I didnt leave. Each time I brought up the word 'family' she gets so irate. She hitted me so hard in the face my left ear rang. Later, she went into the kitchen and got a steak knife thinking I would hit her. All the while I kept my cool and didnt touch her at all. My words made her more angry than anything else. She put the knife to my throat and told me if that is what her happiness will be then she will do it. Later, I went to bed and I know she called her emotional lover.

The following day I told my boss what is going on since I was so down and could not think properly. He said I should have made a complaint with the police since he fears something more drastic can happen.

Last Sunday, she was having a really good time on the cell phone with this man. I went into the bedroom and she acted as though all is well. I hit the wall with my fist so hard she asked me what my problem was. I told her I am pissed at she carrying on the cell phone while I am there and totally disrespecting our marriage. She didnt like that and I told her than if that sorry mother****** dont give a damn about fixing his marriage then he aint no man.

I told her I care about my family and my marriage. But I dislike your carrying on like this infront of our child and totally disrespecting the entire family. There goes the keyword 'family' she charged at me and hit me repeatedly in the face again. I backed off a bit and I said hastily, I will get this on record and I called the cops. The cops came and asked me what's going on and I gave them my side of the story. Another cop talked to her and she told them what happend. The cops asked if I wanted to file charges and I said NO. The cops stated that in MO someone has to be taken in, in this case, they took her.

When she was released she was more pissed and still pissed. She is now worried about this charge showing up on her background check. She said I will have to pay all the attorney fees and she will ensure that I suffer. She said she cant believe that all these years she never called the cops on me. She forgot how many times she pulled a knife on me. This isnt the first time she has done so and I didnt tell the cops the history we had together. She did and she filed a complaint against me.

It feels like this is a big set back in our 'rebuilding' but I thought about it and I have decided to be by her side to make this situation right. It doesnt matter how much it costs me to exponge her charge. I asked her if she had been charged and if she will have to go to court. She hasnt answered any of those questions. I will be by her side and I elaborated that I didnt filed any charges against her.

[Brandon Kirk]

Well now that you have our tax dollars involved via the policefor your domestic dispute I feel obligated to say a few things. It is unbelievable that your wife is talking with another man in front of you and the 3 year old. That is complete abuse. You need to start writing all this stuff down in a journal and date it. You may need to get custody of your child if she is behaving this way.

[MissingMyHoney]

Well Brandon, she said that she had a consultation with an attorney and was advised that I should not call and find out about her charge. I did called but I didnt mentioned my wife's name. The only way she would know I called was by the cell phone online bill. She didnt liked that I called. She said to stay out of her business.

Today Noon - W asked me if I would like to accompany her to the mall so our D can ride the merry go round and take a little walk. I said I would be glad to. Question - why would she ask for me to accompany her to the mall when all during the week she keep on saying she was advised to not be with me in public places? We had lunch together, we drove in the same car, and she bought a few things for herself.

Yesterday, her cell phone bill came in the mail. My first inclination was to open it very carefully, make copies, reseal it, and give it to her on Tuesday.

Today, I checked the mail and I took out her sealed cell phone bill from my car's glove compartment and gave it to her. She said well tonight she will be going to jail again. I knew she was speaking of the cell phone bill. I didnt answered and I left to attend church service.

I was baptised in a Christian church today and I have formally accept God in my life. I did speak to a Church minister and told him how I have progressed ever since I have decided to attend the services. I am doing a complete 180 turn.

I came home and W asked if I am sure that I am going to the services. I told her she is welcome to join me for next week's service if she would like to. She didnt answered and I did not tell her anything about her cell phone bill.

My answer to not saying anything was: not my bill, not my money, and not my problem.

I am in the middle of chapter 2 of the DR book. She did spend a couple of hours in the living room with me these past weekdays.

Does anyone knows what this means since to me it is so strange?

[MissingMyHoney]

I am done reading chapter 2 step 1 of the DR book. This morning, my W made breakfast and we sat down and ate as a family. w and D went to do some shopping while I was ironing my work clothes for the work week. W called and told me the store didnt had something I asked her to checked on, W asked if I was online chatting. I said NO but I was getting ready to cook some dinner. W and D came home and W started to assemble a tricyle for D. W asked me to continue the assembling since she was getting confused, I did as asked.

Later, I told W that I bought tickets to go to the movies with D. I told her she's welcome to join, she didnt wanted to go but that was the plan. My plan was for her to spend a few hours all alone while D and I are at the movies.

We came home and W and I spoke for a while until she said she wanted something to eat rather than what I had made earlier. I told W to order something and I will be glad to pick it up. W said why am I being nice to her when my niceness is only for my alterior motives. I replied that I have always been nice to her and proceeded by giving her the phone number for take out.

It seems that the past couple of days, W is questioning the changes I have been doing. One is to quit online chatting and two is my attending church services for spiritual guidance and healing. W seems to be curious of my actions when I am alone or if I leave the house alone.

[MissingMyHoney]

I was reading ewe's post on the 'As-If attitude. It has a lot of meaning to what I experience and currently experiencing.

I do have a question on this excerpt..."In the Transition Zone, the Taker in you and in your spouse urges you and him/her to return pain whenever its received. You stop the cycle. You don't return pain for pain. You do it in a loving, but not submission way ... you do it with respect for your mate and yourself ... you don't return pain for pain. This is a very important change of behavior that has a major impact on the dynamics of the relationship."

As stated in the previous post, I know she would have been terribly upset if I made a copy of her cell phone bill and confronted her about it. W did said she would have spent the weekend in jail since she knew her cell phone bill came in and I would have opened it and/or approached her about it.

Rather, I gave her the cell phone bill and five minutes later I told her I am going to the services. After two hours, I returned home and didn't speak about it. Surprisingly, she didnt expected me to not say anything about it. Yesterday, I didnt bring the topic up.

Is this what I must keep on doing? If so, the 'As-If" attitude can bring wonders to the R and my W views as to why I am so calm about everything.