I guess discretion involves telling a bald-faced lie to a direct yes-or-no question? I figure if you don't want to hear the answer, don't ask the question.
That said, maybe she'd like a little playfulness. Maybe an obviously exaggerated "Not me! I'd never do that sort of thing!"
a fine and enviable madness, this delusion that all questions have answers, and nothing is beyond the reach of a strong left arm.
Of course you do!! And how frustrating it must be to not have her recognize it, huh?
I think that you might have a point about her having a problem with me going somewhere and having "fun", though. How f@cked up is that?
It's not about not wanting you to have fun. It's about her lack of ability to have fun. IMO.
My XH is an attorney so I certainly know the stresses and issues they have. It's not an accident that so many attorneys are alcoholics. Also because their job is to argue a side, it's hard for them to turn it off at home.
AND my XH was a bit like you in being the guy to make everyone laugh. It as definitely part of what drew me to him. Of course then when we were around people it was always about entertaining everyone else. I didn't seem to matter; I guess because he already "had" me and my approval??
But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~Albert Camus
I think you should spend the $200 on some very expensive lingerie for MsHD and then you should leave immediately on the camping trip NOP suggested after presenting her with the package. Why? Because thinking about it is making me laugh.
Actually, you could stand to bring out your playful side a lot more with her. You've done more than enough penance... time to have fun with her.
When she turns you down for sex, just say "No big deal... I'll be at my computer if you need me" with an evil grin on your face. You're not coming out and telling her, but you're not leaving much doubt either, and if she doesn't like it, well she knows what she can do.
a fine and enviable madness, this delusion that all questions have answers, and nothing is beyond the reach of a strong left arm.
Dude, you have GOT to go to Tucson. This is not optional. If you back down on this, you might as well just slice off your nuts and hand them over to her. The $200 is not a big deal in a two-lawyer household. The time is not a big deal (one weekend, two months from now). She's making it a big deal in order to bully you. She wants those nuts handed over in a bag; don't give them to her.
Nop had a good idea about the camping trip. But don't do it instead of the Tucson trip, do it IN ADDITION to the Tucson trip. Just give her adequate notice so she'll be prepared to "hold down the fort" for the weekend. What possible objection could she have? The answer should be revealing.
Obviously it's very important to her that you have no financial independence at all (and maybe no independence at all period, financial or otherwise). But seriously, so what? Sex is important to you - does she care? Of course not.
Tell her you'll skip the trip to Tucson if she'll agree to spend the weekend in bed with you having sex, instead. That should get a fun response.
OK, your wife thinks you're lazy, scatterbrained, and useless. That's a problem.
The bigger problem is you still, on some level, believe her and everyone throughout your childhood that told you the same thing. That's why you act like you need to convince her to give you permission to go on a $200 trip. That's why you act from a position of "mea culpa" whenever you talk about finances. That's why you didn't already book your flight and buy your concert ticket, after having told her what you're going to do. That's why you let her talk to you the way she does, and you either hold still and take it or blow up at her.
I'd like to know how long she thinks she gets to hold your past screwups over your head. Seriously. When you get to a point where you have let go of your past screw-ups, then you can ask her that question and participate in the ensuing conversation wherever it leads with dignity and equanimity. Till then, your shame over that issue is a big fat red button that she can push whenever she feels like it, and that she'll bump accidentally all the time on top of that, and you'll get nowhere with her.
a fine and enviable madness, this delusion that all questions have answers, and nothing is beyond the reach of a strong left arm.
I mean, I have to agree...this is just plain bullying IMO. Every time she turns you down for sex, do the computer thing...good one. Go, go, go to Tuscon...
You can poo poo the FOO FOO all you want, you can even run, but you can’t hide. I can see how all the problems you are talking about are directly FOO related. If you don’t confront your own issues, such as not being totally honest with her to avoid a fight, then you can never rebalance the power and you never put her in a position of having to readjust herself to the new you.
People like to talk about self respect on here, but for someone like your wife, respect is not on the radar screen. Ego is the bigger factor, that along with past conditioning. All she knows to do is what she has done in the past, and that is to control everything as the only way to keep the family together. That’s the martyr, right? I bet she thinks SHE is the one making all the sacrifices, not you. She has restored the finances, she thinks of the kids before herself, she sticks out the marriage in spite of your continual requests for sex (gasp!). This way of thinking is all warped, but it is supposed to be this way for any good self respecting narcissist.
My wife does a lot of the very same thing. Her actions say “control” to my and everyone else, but she does not see it that way. She is sacrificing herself, doing the hard work, taking the tough stand that she thinks I or others will not do. Soooo, if you look as this a test of your power and a need to stand up to her, then all you will get is a war, which is what has happened in the past, right? It didn’t work before so why try it again?
You really have to see that she is doing this out of fear, but fear from her past that shape her responses to the point that she knows no other way to respond, even if there isn’t any real fear present today. The biggest 180 you can do is to explain to her what you have said here. Be calm, don’t let her sidetrack you, but also tell her why you feel the need to stop the nice guy routine, why you feel you have to stand up for yourself and most importantly, that you are doing all this as sacrifice for HER, as convoluted as it may sound to her. (Actually, there is truth in that last statement.)
Reassure her fears. Tell her what you want in a marriage, how you want to be with her and her only. Tell her you have listened to her complaints and you are trying to make those changes, but you need to do that in your way, not hers. Tell her straight up that this is an important psychological hurdle for you to break away from walking on eggshells and FEARING her, but you do this to become the man she can get closer to, not fight with.
All this other talk about challenging her control and getting back your balls, etc, is true, but is also a confrontational path that will backfire. It is also not an HONEST path. Just standing up and fighting with her is actually a lie of sorts, because you are not being honest with her about expressing your hurts and your vulnerability. Rather you are lashing back at out because of your hurts. That is the dishonest part.
One other point. Tell her that you understand she is feeling jealous over you going on this trip and that she might have concerns that you could have fun with your friends that could run into some stray female looking to pick you up. DON’T ask her if she is jealous. She is, but she won’t admit it. Just tell her that you are glad to see this side of her because it tells you that she really does care, but she has nothing to worry about. THAT is being honest and that is something I think she will hear.
