This were going very well and I was really positive about our reconciliation. My roomate will be receiving a settlement at the end of the month that will allow him to move on. I told this to my ex and he said it wasn't enough that my roomate(ex-bf) move out, that he neeeds to move to another state. I can not make him do this. There is only so much that is under my control...
Last night my ex and I had a huge fight....I told him how I felt on a number of things that bothered me. Like how he didn't want counseling until we were divorced...not when we were married. You see, he filed for divorce on 12/2 and I hadn't started talking to the future bf until the 11th of November. He lived 2K miles away at that time and we mainly imd about our problems. Yes, the OP did do a lot of suggestive flirting, but I always changed the subject.
Maybe I was infatuated with him at the time, but I would have been serious about counseling if that was given to me as a viable option. My ex brought it up once before he filed, but by the time I found a counselor I was interested in he had already filed.
So I don't know what to do...I miss the old days and the good times so much. Everything makes me think of it and I cry all the time. Right now I just don't know if this will ever get better...and sometimes I just wish i could go to sleep and have it all go away...
Shiloh
Married 8/2000 EA 11/2007 Divorced 4/2007 No Children
I love my ex-husband...but i dont know how to get our life back....
My husband subscribes to the "marriage builders" techniques of allowing him total access to everything I do, including my finances.
This may already have been addressed - I'm only on page 1 of 6 but this should also be applied in reverse - if you have to be 100% open with everything, he should offer you the same courtesy. That is what I struggle with right now in our R.
....Understand, that I can't, not be what I am I'm not the milk, and Cheerios in your spoon ~ Avril Lavigne ~ ..."Nobody's Fool"...
The "houseguest" was my ex husbands friend from work. She and he had known eachother for quite awhile before we met and she needed a place to stay during her break up with her bf. I agreed to let her in the house, but it was a HUGE mistake as she caused a big rift between my ex and I. I think they just got too close and she was always there to bad mouth me to him.
This is what caused me to turn to my co-workers and ultimately my bf. He is in very serious financial trouble, so he is not financially solvent at the moment....
Thank you so much for your kind words...it helps a lot...
again - might've already been addressed...but here goes.
Do you throw this houseguest up to your H a lot - like you bring it up here? This person might've been an issue but she didn't destroy your marriage. Yes - he shouldn't have been talking to her about the things he was, but you also shouldn't have been having an EA. See where this is going? If you're going to throw the past in his face, he will in yours as well.
I guess the physical affair - people have different POV's on that. If he filed, you still weren't divorced.
Back to reading.
....Understand, that I can't, not be what I am I'm not the milk, and Cheerios in your spoon ~ Avril Lavigne ~ ..."Nobody's Fool"...
Yes I am doing better. I am not sure what caused things to turn around so well, but they seem to have. I am meeting my ex this evening to talk and go for a walk with my little dog. He says that he has decided to not get angry and mad over things that can not change. I cant make the old bf move back to florida and neither can he. We will just have to work around that issue.
So i guess I will let you know how things go. I can only hope that he has found guidance on this website and forum...
BF needs to get his own place.
Look at it from H's POV - if your H had a GF living with him, even though they were broken up -- would you be happy with it? It'd be hard to trust him.
....Understand, that I can't, not be what I am I'm not the milk, and Cheerios in your spoon ~ Avril Lavigne ~ ..."Nobody's Fool"...
This were going very well and I was really positive about our reconciliation. My roomate will be receiving a settlement at the end of the month that will allow him to move on. I told this to my ex and he said it wasn't enough that my roomate(ex-bf) move out, that he neeeds to move to another state. I can not make him do this. There is only so much that is under my control...
Last night my ex and I had a huge fight....I told him how I felt on a number of things that bothered me. Like how he didn't want counseling until we were divorced...not when we were married. You see, he filed for divorce on 12/2 and I hadn't started talking to the future bf until the 11th of November. He lived 2K miles away at that time and we mainly imd about our problems. Yes, the OP did do a lot of suggestive flirting, but I always changed the subject.
Maybe I was infatuated with him at the time, but I would have been serious about counseling if that was given to me as a viable option. My ex brought it up once before he filed, but by the time I found a counselor I was interested in he had already filed.
So I don't know what to do...I miss the old days and the good times so much. Everything makes me think of it and I cry all the time. Right now I just don't know if this will ever get better...and sometimes I just wish i could go to sleep and have it all go away...
Sometimes in reading these posts, I get the feeling you are still trying to defend YOUR actions.....
You two have to decide one day to stop living in the past and throwing up past hurts. Yes - communicate things that you need to receive, GET the love languages book ASAP and both of you read it and figure out your LL's.
....Understand, that I can't, not be what I am I'm not the milk, and Cheerios in your spoon ~ Avril Lavigne ~ ..."Nobody's Fool"...
I feel for you, girl...I have dreams in which it all goes away! Very nice dreams they are, too.
I think that you must make the time you spend with your ex-husband totally good time, non-stressful time, non-relationship-talk time. Be his friend. Listen to what he has to say. Agree with him. I think that your best chance of reuniting with him may just happen along the course of being his best friend....and what best friends do is validate--support.
Remember that salving the hurt can take a lot of time. Don't be in a hurry to fix things. It simply takes time, loads of patience. It wouldn't hurt if your focus were to turn inward for a time. Think about changing some aspect of your life, just for your own sake--just for YOU.
Is there something that you've always wanted to do? Take time for you!
he said it wasn't enough that my roomate(ex-bf) move out, that he neeeds to move to another state. I can not make him do this. There is only so much that is under my control...
What you have said is true; you cannot control that person. What you CAN control, is you. If you're serious about rebuilding things, and if he is serious that he, you and OM cannot be in the same state.. then you can offer that you and your ex-H move to another state.
it's not that uncommon, in situations where physical affairs happened. and make no mistake, you had a physical affair. you were married.
(and heck, even if you started screwing him AFTER you were fully divorced... i could still understand the feelings of your husband, not wanting you anywhere near this other man ever again)
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I told him how I felt on a number of things that bothered me. Like how he didn't want counseling until we were divorced...not when we were married.
Umm.. "get over it", and just be happy that he wanted it at all. If you're going to be resentful about past behaviours, the only thing it does is hurt you and your marriage. What should matter to you, is his current and future behaviours.
If he didnt change, you wouldnt want to live with him, would you? So rather than complaining, "you've changed",, be HAPPY he has changed?!!!
Last edited by Dom R; 08/02/0709:23 PM.
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
I agree, it's time for you to work hard on regaining your H's trust in you. My H expects me to trust him again without really giving me anything to go on. If you have to show him your email, then so be it, if he needs details about your affair, that, too. He needs your reassurance that it's for real with you. Let the BF have notice to move out, and let your H know about it, and don't ever have contact with that person again. Both of you got the M to this state, be grateful he hasn't moved on and wants to work on it, so give it your all.
but this should also be applied in reverse - if you have to be 100% open with everything, he should offer you the same courtesy. That is what I struggle with right now in our R.