I have recently read DR and it is my 1st time posting on here. There seem to be so many of you on these boards that have such great insight, advice, and strength and I hoping to be able to learn from all of you.

I am 30, H is 38. Married 7 yrs, together 10. No kids as of yet - were recently trying though. H told me on 6/16 that he is not sure if he wants to be married anymore - after coming home from a business trip. We have our share of problems and bickering - but overall I would say that we had a happy marriage and this came as a complete shock to me. He said he has been unhappy for years and just feels as though he does not know if he wants to continue being married. My initial reaction to everything he was saying was that I was so sorry that he felt that way, that I had no idea that he was unhappy and I that I want to do anything & everything to work on our marriage and make it stronger. He says he has tried to communicate this to me before and he is tired of trying. My point though is that while I knew that there were things in our marriage that he was unhappy about, things that bothered him, I never knew that he was unhappy or was ever having doubts about our marriage. His 2 biggest issues from what he has told me is that I don't pick up after myself and keep the house a mess and that I don't initiate sex. I have no arguments for those things and completely agree with him & see his points on them. I just never realized to what degree they were affecting him/us and want to do everything in my power to change them. I don't know how/why he would want to give up on a marriage for these things without first letting me know how serious he was about them or trying counseling first etc. After a couple weeks, I pushed him for an answer and he said he wanted a divorce (I know - mistake on my part) - but still - how could he even say those words?

I know, I know, all of you are thinking OW. Believe me, I have thought about it as well. I had even asked him about it and he kept telling me that there was no one and that this was about me & him. Then... On 7/18 I saw our cell phone bill online and it was ridiculously high!!! I saw that he had been talking extensively to someone at his work - she had also been on that business trip with him. I am not a jealous person by nature and he has girl"friends" that he talks to or hangs out with every once in a while and I am fine with it - BECAUSE he tells me about it. What bothered me most about this is I feel he kept it from me. He even tried to pay down the bill before I saw it so I maybe I wouldn't notice it was that high? It wasn't just a few calls here & there - it was conversations hours long, 1am in the morning, couple times a day etc... And if it were purely innocent - why wouldn't he just tell me that he has been talking to someone at work about our situation. Because I & he know that it was not purely innocent.

Well, I got so angry and felt so betrayed by him that I went to go see a lawyer for a consult, confronted him about it and told him that he doesn't have to be so indecisive anymore b/c I wanted a divorce! But... the next day I regretted it...

He admitted to what I labeled an EA, but swore to me that nothing else happened. I don't know if I will ever know for sure, but I am choosing to believe that right now. He was also so upset & angry like I have never seen him before in my life! If he had wanted out of this marriage - that would have been an easy route for him so why did he put up a fight?

I ended up apologizing to him for the way I reacted to it and just tried to explain to him how it made me feel. While I think it needed to be addressed, I told him that I know that I did not handle it in the best way. Since then I have been just trying to lay off and give him his space. No more initiating convs. about the R, no more initiating hugs, no calling, no emailing - and... I am dying!!

Which brings me to my current situation. He has mentioned that it has been suggested to him that we do a trial separation (he says as opposed to going straight to divorce) - but it has been weeks and he hasn't made any attempts to move out. We are still living in the same house (sep beds & baths) and one of us will cook dinner, we will eat in separate spaces. We let each other know if we are going to be out - but there is nothing more than that at this point. So my question is are we separated and just not verbalizing it? Keep in mind that I think all of our problems in our marriage fall on poor communication...

This past week has been more promising for me than most - but I am probably reading too into things that I shouldn't be. For instance this weekend he went out to go and get a new cell phone. I thought to myself, great - he is going out to get a new plan so he doesn't have to be on ours b/c he knows that I can see the #'s - but he ended up just getting a new phone and staying on our plan.

Also on Sun. night he actually asked me to go out and grab something to eat. And he talked - for the first time in weeks. I would not say that it was good conversation in the sense that I felt like he wanted to work on anything - he still says that he is unsure what he wants and he does not know why this is so difficult for him & he feels angry.
He also said that he is going to contact someone for therapy - but I have heard through friends that he has been thinking/saying that for weeks and hasn't actioned on it (we did go to 1 MC session together in the beginning - did not go well!). I have been going consistently on my own.

Last night I went out to dinner w/people from work. I told him that and he was like "OK", then 2 minutes later he was like "who you going with?" Which lets me know that he still cares and that he would not like it if I was going out with guys (I just went out with 2 girlfriends).

I also had this book that I read "his needs/her needs" and I told him that it was really insightful and left it out for him to read and he actually took it with him and started to read it. Would he be doing that if he didn't want to work on the marriage?

If he knew he was done, wouldn't the 1st thing he would do be to move out?

I know that there is a chance for us to survive this and be even better than we were before - I just need to know what I can do best...

(I have been doing my best to GAL & 180 - house has been immaculate last 6 weeks!)

Any and all advice whether positive or negative is appreciated!!!