coping with abstinence???

[SallyM]

you know, I'm not even sure it was the fact that I was talking to a man on the phone, but that it was the fact that I wasn't completely open about it. I tell him everything, he tells me nothing, or tells me stuff, but they are lies. so why do I tell him everything? I'm the only one in the relationship NOT doing anything. and I was upfront about that, I'm not. I'm the only one still wearing my ring. I'm the only one who is celibate.

I'm surprised by his reaction, but guess I shouldn't be. because like everything else, its not about me, its about the fact that suddenly he doesn't have full knowledge/control....its not like a lighbulb moment for him, like, oh, he suddenly loves me again or something. its more like, he has his life so well arranged...me waiting in the wings, her in his bed. he's the puppet master, I tell him everything, he tells me nothing. and maybe me holding back gave him pause, but guessing even if it did, its a fleeting thing.

I need to remind myself that this doesn't mean anything. and trust me, telling H the guy's name wouldn't have mattered...he wants details. where did I meet him? well, I'm not going to tell him that. first, this was literally a PHONE call, nothing more. second, well, why do I have to answer to him? maybe if I was a better liar, like he is, I would have just said immediately that it was my friend x from so and so. or when he called the guy, I could have just said he was a friend from college or whatever. but I guess that's just not me. but maybe it needs to be. I don't know. I don't know the answers. I don't think I should tell him I met him online...I think that would freak him out, and not in a good way. again, I have not led him to believe there is anything going on. I haven't. I have been very upfront, I'm not seeing anyone. but at the same time, I guess talking to a man he doesn't know is enough? I'm blathering on here.

if he asks, I think I will ask him your question...I like that. "do you want me to stop talking to him?" I seriously wonder what he would say if I said that.