Okay, so I've been reading the "No More Mr. Nice Guy" book and decided to do a bit of "focus on making your needs a priority". I know, always a recipe for disaster, right? In line with some of the other advice in the book, mainly, spending time with other male friends, and as a result of a bit of a happy coincidence, I decided to take a trip. Let me start first, though, with the happy coincidence.
As some of you know, my W controls the purse strings. This is not necessarily a horrible thing, as she is very organized, created a decent budget (with some input from me), and has, after several years, managed to get us in decent financial shape. But the budget is still tight, and tightly controlled. Every dollar is accounted for. Also, back when we did some careful looking at income and outflow, we agreed that, somehow, I needed to contribute some more money to the pot than what I was earning as my salary. After messing around with some ideas, I came up with an additional source of income which provides that "extra amount." Every month, for the last eight or so months, I've been putting this amount (~$250), into our joint account. My "additional source" (hmm, let's just call it my 2nd job) provides that money, plus a little bit of extra money I use to treat myself and my kids to a little extra stuff, e.g. ice cream, maybe some clothes, etc.
Last month, the 2nd job had a good month, and I ended up with a couple hundred bucks. Last week, I noticed that one of my favorite bands is going to be playing a concert in Tucson, where one of my best friends lives. I checked the flights, and they are about $200 bucks. I checked with him, and he said it would be great to see me, and sure, I could crash on his couch for the weekend (which is October).
This morning, I said to Ms.Hdog, "Hey, I just saw that the band is going to be in Tucson in October. I'd like to go spend the weekend with DL and see them." W: Sounds great, how do you intend to pay for it? H: I've got some extra money from the 2nd job that should cover the airfare and the tickets, and I'll just stay at DL's house.
She didn't say anything else, and I had to leave for work, so I said "goodbye."
She called a couple hours later and started out with how I don't listen to her (a rant that spanned the subjects of olives I shouldn't have eaten because she bought them for a specific recipe on her new diet, to the fact that I forgot to ask her what the 'distressing news' was that she had mentioned to me yesterday on my way to pick up my kids)and then got to the meat of the matter: "You are extremely selfish to be spending money on this trip. I feel taken advantage of."
The reason I am selfish, according to her, is that, given this extra money, I should be spending it on something for my kids, not on myself. She did say something like, "when was the last time you bought ME a nice present?", although she was quick to add that the focus should be on my obligation to the kids, not on her.
She feels "taken advantage of" because some of the money she earns goes to pay for things for my kids and for college, so, I guess that any extra money I have should go to them or to her, not to me.
And I'm convinced, after hearing her reasons, that she must be correct. I'm ready to call my friend and tell him that I can't afford the trip, ("What was I thinking?"), and that maybe I'll get out there some other time.
It got pretty bad (the phone call), to the point of me telling her that no, I am not selfish, that, indeed I almost always put other people first, usually my kids, and, of course, her, but that I decided to try to do something for myself for once, since I had some extra money. She said I was feeling sorry for myself, and I just about lost it, nearly screaming at her on the phone...at my office. So f#cking embarrassing.
So, I know this raises a lot of questions, and I'd be happy to answer them, but just wanted to know if anyone had any opinions. Am I being selfish? Should I just forget about the trip? Should I just use the extra money to add to college funds, buy consumer goods for my children, buy presents for my wife?
