My little glimmer of hope just fizzled out

[Rollercoasterider]

Originally Posted By: Rollercoasterider
What is it in your insticts that tell you he's not coming back...

Just by the tone in his voice when he told me that since we've been apart far too long he didn't see us working out.

Sweetie, that is his tone, not your instincts. And this far along...many of them look to the LBS for that sort of guidance...they cannot believe it on their won. They must see that belief and faith in us first.

And when they do...they may be scared at first...because there are no guarantees and it may still not work. If you show hope, anticipation, expectancy, excitement...they may run...better that than try and let us down AGAIN by failing.

Our job is to make them feel safe...safe saying No for awhile. Because if they can tell us No and we are fine with it...they will eventually feels afe saying Yes, I'd love to...come over, meet you for coffee...whatever.


HUGS,
RCR

[kaydeekay]

Thanks RCR,

Maybe I don't make H feel safe. I recall during our convo on Tuesday night, H asked me if I would be upset if I saw him out with someone else. I quickly replied no (knee jerk reaction, wanting him to think I'm strong). Later on during the same convo he brought up the fact that I wouldn't be upset if I saw him out with someone, because he said he would be hurt if he saw me out with out someone but he wouldn't do anything (to the guy). I then told him that I really couldn't honestly answer that until I saw it. Not a good answer on my part I think.

There were times when he was coming to the house I was ever so nice to him. I would offer him a snack or something to drink and he always declined, so I stopped asking. Then I read on someone's post how the WAS needs to feel needed. So I asked H if he wouldn't mind looking at my weedeater because I was having problems. Well he did and wouldn't start. H said he would need to take it in to a repair shop soon. Well, he never did so I stopped asking for his help unless I desperately needed it.

Sometimes I got the feeling he was seeing me as pursuing him when he would come over because I could see him get a little anxious when he would be in my house longer than 30 minutes. H would be out the door as though his a@@ was on fire. By no means was I pursuing him in anyway. It was like he wanted to come over but once he was there he got uncomfortable.

H is quick to tell me to call him for anything and he will help me out; however, when I call him on it he can't or is unable to.

RCR, can you give me some ideas on how to make H feel safe. It seems to me what I've been doing is not working.

[Rollercoasterider]

I will work on posting some ideas. but I've beenr rereading Happy_Again's threads from March so that I can quickly no where to go for reference when I want a MLCer example.
The outline on my new thread--the first post--is an outline for PAving the Way--that is a safe path home. I haven't gone over each concept yet though.

Happy_Again: I moved out and bought myself a condo.i never would have been able to get my head out from my ass if i had stayed at home. i needed my own place to retreat to. the funny thing was that i was so happy to be away from my home and be on my own in my own place.each time i went back to the family home to see the kids i didnlt want to leave again but i had to especially after all ofthe crap I had caused to my family.i couldn;t dare tell Allie that i wanted to stay a little while longer.sometimes i would go a week or more without going near the house it was so hard being torn like that.

He may be uncomfortable because he feels pressured. But he may be uncomfortable because he wishes he could stay...but MUST run. Sometimes, being around us can send them into panic mode because the pain when they are with us is raw with their self-loathing and guilt. They want to be around us, but it is a reminder not of how bad we are, but of how bad they are--in their minds.

[kaydeekay]

That makes some sense to me now on why he acts the way he does.

Which got me thinking. When we would spend holidays with his family (parents divorced when he was 11) he reacted the same way. He looked forward to seeing them but he hardly interacted with them. It was in and out...say our hellos, eat dinner, and then leave quickly. He had always seen himself as the "black sheep" of the family. H was always in trouble as a kid (drugs, runaway) and caused heartache and headaches on both his mom and dad.

I remember times when we go for visits with his family and on the ride there he would say "I don't want anyone preaching to me." Meaning, he didn't want to hear all the wrong he had done.

This gives me food for thought on how I should handle H if/when he comes over to my house.

Thanks RCR

[BeingMe]

His (lame) excuse was that he didn't want to have to deal with his XW. When his son was 12 H attempted to start the R again, but H couldn't follow through with that.

Sounds like your H has issues despite what he thinks was a bad M with you. Does he take some responsibility for the breakdown of the M? I guess being in MLC, they don't ever see themselves at fault, or they have justified it all by blaming the LBS.

IMO, you should go dark now, and have as little contact with him as possible. Before going dark, perhaps allude to the s*x, and how you will miss that connection with him, and then nothing else from you (just leave him with that thought, of something that was good), unless it's absolute business (finances, D13), but be polite, but distant and businesslike. Don't initiate contact, and if he phones, end it as soon as possible. Do not get into any reminiscing, because it doesn't seem to be going anywhere, so what's the point. Detach, detach, detach! And, leave the D problems to your H, unless you are absolutely over him, and want to move on compeletely. And, GAL!!!!! Do stuff, meet new people, get out there and have some fun!

Now, if only I can take my own advice. Ha!

[kaydeekay]

Thanks BeingMe!
I'm going to detach lovingly. I've often wondered if he thinks about what I do to him s*x wise that he loves, that if he D me I could do the same thing to someone else?

Have plans made with friends this weekend for my birthday and spending the day with S21 on Tuesday. He's taking my mom and me on a tour of his new campus. He's so excited about college. He's been in jr. college for 2 years, a small university for 1 1/2 years, and now the college of his dreams.

I'm so proud of him. He's going to college, working, and lives with a roommate in a nice apartment. I wish I could help him out more financially but being the single mom I am, I'm not able to help out as much.

[myturnnow]

Happy Birthday!!

[BeingMe]

Happy Birthday!

Ah, the kids grow up so fast. My S20 is back home after being away for a year. He's attending our local, small university (updating his Grade 12 marks), but is hoping to get to his dream university in about 2 years time ... he's hoping to do engineering. We are paying for his tuition (so far, we seem to be handling it), and his board at home, but the rest is up to him.

Take care, and have a good weekend. Sounds like you got the GAL thing down. I see you're in the midwest ... my H is visiting our D27 this weekend, who has just moved (with her H and their little girls) to St. Louis from Florida. We used to live there, and loved the area.

[kaydeekay]

Thanks for the birthday wishes MTN and BeingMe.

My birthday was on Tuesday and no birthday wish from H. H did call me about some financial stuff he is supposed be handling while we have been separated but that's it.

I was off work Mon, Tues, and Wed. On Monday H called my work number and left me a message telling me to mail him the papers regarding our loan. He was supposed to pick them up over the weekend and never did. I thought it was strange that he didn't call my cell as he usually does.

Then the phone call on Tuesday. I let it go to VM and he had asked me to call him within 30 minutes of getting message. I figured it was about the financial stuff he was taking care of so I called him back 10 minutes later. What H told me was something he could have left on the VM. Nothing major and no acknowledge of my birthday.

I'm beginning to think H is being passive/agressive with me right now. I've seen him do it to friends and relatives in the past. He's the tit for tat kinda person. You hurt me or make me mad then I'm going to do the same to you. Or he tries to get the upper hand.

Sorry to be rambling, I guess I just needed to vent.

[BeingMe]

Ah, we all need to vent at times. That's what we are here for, kaydeekay!