Nomopo Trying to Exercise Patience/Manage Emotions

[Nomopo]

Thanks WC. Think I forgot to respond before.

GD, I appreciate the visit and journaling will definitely happen today.

Hi delia - I will check on Shiloh, but not sure when. There are things at work and journaling that HAVE to happen today. Good to hear from you, BTW. I hope you're well. I am bummed the Austin event didn't pan out, but hopefully we can meet in Austin this Fall (maybe with Dustin, maybe with L21959, maybe others (dogma?)).

Lyrael, I had a peaceful night. Just rested. Was very tired.

My H is supposed to be coming up this Friday to stay for a week, pack us up, and move us down there.

I know you have given me some background on your sitch, but are you S'd from H? If so, I missed that (or forgot it) and I'm sorry. My earlier threads have been deleted now, so I can't go back and check your earlier posts to me. Do you have an active thread? If so, and you'd like me to follow along (and play), I'd be more than happy to do so.

I'm not sure I am doing the right thing by moving - I am having that weird flip-flop that sometimes happens after things are fixed. I'm concerned that I am going to move away from all of my close friends and my family, and then he is going to have infidelity issues, and I am going to end up alone in a new state. I can handle that, but I am not always sure that I want to.

Yes, you can handle it. Not knowing the details of your current R, I'm not sure if this is just paranoia that comes from distant history, or if there is more reason for it. Either way, I suspect the new move will be good or great, especially if your frame of mind going into it is strong (and you know you control that). I'm sure you will make new friends quickly, and you can stay in touch with long-distance friends and family. As far as H, all you can do is focus on you, and be the "you" that you want to be in the R, giving him less or no reason to wander. It seems to me that most As (although certainly not all - some people, and men more often, seem to just be insatiable) are a symptom of something else missing in the R. I know that you are experienced enough to be looking for those sorts of issues in your R, and to look for solutions for any disconnects you find.

Whew. I don't really know where that came from, but there it is.

Well, I am glad it came out, and I hope I helped a little. I'd be happy to discuss it more if you want. I'd also be happy to shut up.

Later,
Nomo

[GainingStrength]

Nomo - It is really great stuff. Especially, for me, the comments about getting to the point where you're ok no matter how the M comes out. I'm going to follow Ian's idea of using mourning time.

L

[Nomopo]

L - yes, that mourning trick was new to me, and I will add it to my plan. Though I don't have the need much any more, it does hit me from time to time.

[GainingStrength]

Nomo - It is really great stuff. Especially, for me, the comments about getting to the point where you're ok no matter how the M comes out. I'm going to follow Ian's idea of using mourning time.

L

[GainingStrength]

Oops - Forget that last. Must have sent the post twice.

[Nomopo]

Larry - the idea you need to try to absorb is that you, and you alone, are responsible for your own happiness. That is a big responsibility, but it also means you are free (which is even better). It means you are not dependent on anyone else, or anything else, to be happy. You can choose to be happy. You can make yourself happy. And that means that really, though you want to save your M and be with your W (at least now), you know now (or soon) that you need neither to be happy and to have a great life. Think about it for a while. It is absolutely true. And I know you will agree soon (if not already).

Nomo

PS - There will still be pain and sadness at times along the way. But overall, you will not only survive, but you will prosper!

[Not Much Left]

Hey Nomo
How are YOU doing. I think we all want to know.

[Nomopo]

Hey CVA! I am doing great at the moment. Lots of days to journal, but not all that much to say. I am working on it now, but with work (and other threads )it will be stop and start so late tonight most likely.

Here's a teaser: Last night, my W initiated a full on hug for the first time since we separated. I swear I didn't make any move towards her at all. Details to follow. And, she called me this morning for no good reason, and lingered quite a bit.

BTW, my new stock answer whenever she asks me how I am or how it's going is "GREAT!!!" I love doing that actually. It makes me chuckle inside. I could have just stepped in a huge Dog Turd, but if W asks I am "FANF*CKINGTASTIC!"

[Lyrael]

Lyrael, I had a peaceful night. Just rested. Was very tired.

I was tired as well. Kind of exhausted, actually. Lots of emotion going on.

I know you have given me some background on your sitch, but are you S'd from H?

No, not really. He accepted a job in Arkansas at the beginning of the summer. It's a new software development company, so we didn't want to move the family until we were sure that the company was solid financially, and the the job was a good fit for him. Plus, I have a really good job in Illinois, and was reluctant to leave that. Moving was not in our plans, and we bought our house (100 years old, in our town's historic district) with the intent that we would live in it for a very long time. It still needs lots of work, and for now, we are hanging onto it. We made the final decision on moving in July, but I gave my job 30 days notice, so I had to wait to leave.

Do you have an active thread?

Not right now - I honestly am not sure where I would put one, since I am not separated - just stressed, maritally speaking.

Not knowing the details of your current R, I'm not sure if this is just paranoia that comes from distant history, or if there is more reason for it.

It's the former. He has been more than available by phone, e-mail, and IM this summer. I guess I am just struggling with old feelings of abandonment that I thought were resolved, and old fears that I also thought were resolved. I think a lot of the stress and ambivalence I have about moving comes from my multiple moves as a child (over 20!) and the stress of those. The funny thing is, I think the area of Arkansas (northwest corner) that we are moving to is beautiful, I like the town, I now have a job, etc - this is a place I want to move to. It's just that my family isn't there, so...I don't know.

Either way, I suspect the new move will be good or great, especially if your frame of mind going into it is strong (and you know you control that).

Thanks for reminding me of this - I haven't felt in control of much, and definitely feel very powerless, but trying to get into a strong frame of mind...I hadn't thought about that. That is definitely in my control. I don't have to choose to be a weenie about moving!

I'm sure you will make new friends quickly, and you can stay in touch with long-distance friends and family.

Especially nowadays, with all this e-mail, cell phone, text msg business...and I do tend to make friends easily. I enjoy meeting new people.

As far as H, all you can do is focus on you, and be the "you" that you want to be in the R, giving him less or no reason to wander.

I think I will do better at this once the situation has calmed a bit - it's been something of a shock being a parent alone to our almost two-year-old and our five-year-old. We did visit him, but it was of necessity fairly rare, and visits were only two days.

It seems to me that most As (although certainly not all - some people, and men more often, seem to just be insatiable) are a symptom of something else missing in the R. I know that you are experienced enough to be looking for those sorts of issues in your R, and to look for solutions for any disconnects you find.

The overwhelming thing I am hearing from you in this message is "the keys to some of this are in your hand - don't feel powerless." It reminds me to be empowered, and to not give up and become a victim of circumstances and situations. I forget this, especially when old, ugly fears arise.

Well, I am glad it came out, and I hope I helped a little. I'd be happy to discuss it more if you want. I'd also be happy to shut up.

Don't shut up! It helped incredibly that you compassionately listened to my pity-party, made some gentle suggestions, and reminded me of what I could do to make my situation (and my life) a good place to be.

Thanks for this - it really helped.

L

[Lyrael]

A hug? How exciting!!!!

And I seriously laughed out loud about the fanf#$&ingtastic. In fact, I'm still giggling.