Ali...I have never posted to you before but I was reading your story (I don't want to clean today) and it broke my heart. I don't know where in the midwest youare but there is a terrific place called the Alexander Center that is dedicated to treating children in trauma. I brought my son there when he was in 2nd grade and he was pulling his hair out and bangin ghis head saying that he was bad and things were all his fault etc....
We did a lot of treatment that did not involve drugs and they focused on all aspects of him (school, personal, family)
Your daughter is your concern, not your husband. You had the strength to go through this for this long....the strength to be your authentic self is inside you. It will be there when you need it.
If you were dealing with a sane person, you would not be in this mess. Your H is sick, he's insane. The alchohol and drugs are running his life right now. You have to do what you have to do to protect yourself and your kids.
You are my good friend and I have pushed you to give all to your H. You have done a fabulous job, inspiring, incredible, but now we can see that he's not mentally right. Alchoholism is a disease, and like any other it needs to be treated. It will NOT go away, he will NOT change. I have seen miracle transformations in people, in my own brother, but he made the decision to stop and seek help.
I had a feeling his drinking would hamper your growth. It's come to a head now. As hard as he tries he can't blame YOU for his misery. Stay the course. Stand strong, and let him see himself for who he really is.
I'm sorry for your loss, but I am very proud of the way you stand. You'll be fine, you'll survive and you'll thrive. That's just the woman you are I have no doubt. Stay the rock, be fierce, strong, and brave. You can try to get your H to rehab, or to AA. Look for some help in your community.
You are a beautiful woman, a patient, kind, and determined woman. Don't let his sickness pull you down into the pit. You don't have to go there. You are thinking clearly, and properly. Have confidence in your own abilities and keep on moving forward.
Regarding your kid's. Do what you can to empower them. Teach them how to pray. Pray together asking God for courage, strength and faith. If you teach your kids to pray, then they will be able to deal with the struggles that life brings them.
My prayers and thoughts are with you Ali.
Love,
COG
My Story http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...&Number=660444&page=2#Post660444
I am feeling now just like I did last year.... I feel numb and at the same time so full of pain. know I will be ok but i have no appetite and no strength today.. he came home this am after sleeping who knows where to brush his teeth and change his shirt and did not even talk to the kids... broke my heart. I dunno where I will start over.. I cannot afford to stay in my home and w/4 kids it will be hard to find a cheap house...... I am doing not so well. I know I will be ok but this is really hard for me.
Thank you all for your kind words they help so , so much.
he has not mentioned for us to go get a D yet but I am sure it is coming.. I just do not understand why he is doing this again. I feel so bad for my kids and know he will get worse with his "problem" before he gets better. I do not want to call and talk to him and yet I do ,, I dunno why. After all the mean things he said yesterday. He even said if you think your "private part" ( he said something vulgar not that word) is so special you are wrong I can find that anywhere,,, you do nothing for me and you are not special. and the comment about OW just was too much also.... I am devastated but know I need to keep going for my kids.... but this ache in my heart is too much. God help me.....
Wow... I dunno if I have it in me to do this again... I am exhausted.
Sometimes we have to examine why we even want to save our marriages. We try to be patient, we attenpt to give unconditional love, but then the lines of abuse or MLC or sickness or depression become blurry. Part of us are afraid to let go without a fight and part of us are embarrassed to keep holding on. You have been on this roller coaster to make a comfortable wonderful home and yet it is taken for granted lik ehe is blind. He will open his eyes to it someday, but do you really need to be there. Sometimes we just have to go dark for sanity's sake. I have seen so many kids get in that daze and fog from all the chaos.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
MK.. you are right and yet I have no idea how to begin to let go. I want to and yet I know it will take time cause I do love him even though he is "sick"..... I am scared he will never get better and so I must carry the burden of being on my own and letting go of the idea of a happy family. Thanks for your input. God bless....
He even said if you think your "private part" ( he said something vulgar not that word) is so special you are wrong I can find that anywhere,,, you do nothing for me and you are not special.
My first H said something similar. All I could say was, "and you think yours is any better ... bet I can get it even quicker and easier than you can get one of mine?" or words to that affect. Guess I shouldn't have said anything, 'cause he smacked me right out of the bed. I always was too smart-mouthed for my own good. Thank goodness, I left that loser as quickly as I did, and didn't waste more time on him. And, I met my present H 9 days after my D was final, and we have been together for 22 years now.
Anyway, know that what he is saying is just words. He is trying to belittle you, and saying these stupid things, and trying to insult your womanhood, out of poor meanness, malice, and quite frankly, stupidity. No-one's private parts is any special than another's, and just 'cause you can get into the sack with another person easily, doesn't say much for that person's character. So, ultimately, he really is insulting himself, 'cause he's showing his true, sick colours. Oh, and yours is really special, because you don't share it with other men, so he is really projecting his own insecurities and unspecialness onto you. Because he knows he swopped his virtue for a roll in the hay. How special is he?
Let this man go. Until the real him shows up again, you are just getting yourself hurt, and your children. He needs to fix himself before he's any good for anyone.
I know things are going to be tough for you, no matter what choice you make ... seems choices have been taken out of your hands though. My heart truly aches for someone in your position. I feel you have to set some boundaries in place. And, just because you're possibly getting divorced, does not relieve your H of his responsibilities with his children, and even you. Check out your legal rights. Also, lean on family if need be, and friends that you truly trust. Being strong doesn't mean you have to tough it out alone.
Really, take care.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
My thoughts exactly BeingMe - Ali, have you looked into your legal rights? I hope you'll do that soon, once you have some control over the basics - income for food, shelter, etc., then you can focus on the rest.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
Well the kids and I were at my brothers and when I came home my son said my H came home and asked where I was... why does he care? I called him like and idiot and said whats up and he said what do you mean whats up you called me?!
He then shows up 15 minutes later and comes up to my bedroom and I had just gotten out of the shower and asks what did you want to talk about and I said I just wanted to talk to you... dodnt really know what to say and so then he says I want ..... and then finishes with nevermind and walsk out the door and leaves......
God help me he has my anxiety thru the roof I can barely breathe.. God bless....
From what I've read from your sitch, it seems you've become a strong, confident, calm woman. Your H started this stuff because he's a bully and feels like he's losing control. He is sick and out of control.
Dear one...he is abusive. All the things he said and threatened to do...that's about him, not you. Please don't take his words to heart. But he IS abusive. Do you want to save you M at any cost? Until he deals with himself, with whatever is sick inside him, he's no good to you.
Fear is not a reason to stay. Making strong choices for the right reasons...well, somehow they have a way of working out. You don't see how you could do it financially, but there's got to be a way. And that's down the line even. Pray, meditate, use affirmations, whatever your belief system is and just trust that what you need will be there for you when you need it.
He is not safe to be around. A man who would say and do what he did in front of his children is not safe to be around. Is there somewhere else he could go? If you're afraid, you could file a restraining order against him...your first priority needs to be for YOU and YOUR CHILDREN.
You can do this. You are goodness, light and love. You are strong and capable. You have the power to face anything and triumph over it. You can't change H, you can only change you and set up boundaries.
If there's anything I can do, please tell me.
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
