Not so fast!

[indybyathread]

Interesting developments: Since my expressing to him that I needed to stop pretending to be friends, he has told me that he wanted me to know he missed me and that he still finds me desirable. He suggested that he was losing his resolve to get his own place and it was getting harder to overlook what he might be losing. I have hung tough and not grabbed onto any of those statements to say, "So come home!"

I found a MC that called me and spoke to me for forty five minutes on the phone asking me about the sitch and sharing his experience and philosophies with me. I am convinced this is the kind of MC that will do more good than harm. He is about saving marriages, not guiding individuals into finding their own bliss. He said marriage is the best possible place to learn the skills that we all need to feel better about ourselves because that is where we find the tests that give us difficult.

I told H that I was having so much trouble knowing how to deal with his choices and our interactions and asked if he would help ME out by agreeing to go see this guy. I told him that he would have to plan to try to give me 3-4 sessions as the way this man works is three sessions of his asking lots of questions and getting our marital history and then he can make recommendations to help ME better interact etc. He agreed to go. It is a bit of trickery, I admit, but he seems to be at a turning point right now and I am sure that he will be more open to all of it if he feels like he is doing this for my well being.

I think this is a positive step. In the meantime, I am going to do all I can to detach. If I can manage it, I will try to avoid anything but polite exchanges. I need to try not to get caught up in being his buddy. It will be difficult because the more I pull back, the more he pursues friendly interaction. He flat came out last night and asked me if I would mind coming out of my room for a while to give him some company. Didn't have anything to say, just wanted me to watch TV with him. I didn't want to discourage him from ever asking again so I did it. Next time I need to try to have something else that is keeping me too busy to accept.

It is also going to be difficult to detach a lot right now because his parents arrive Sunday and he will be staying here with all of us for the five days they are visiting. I am going to get out of the house as much as I can without being rude to his parents. They have been so accessible to me, really the ones I can talk to about this stuff more than anyone else. They love him so they understand what I am trying to do and, unlike most everyone else that loves me, are not inclined to tell me to kick him to the curb until he gets his head out of his...

I really want to spend time with them but I have warned them that I would be much more absent this time than on a normal visit. Maybe if I'm not here as much he will find ways to open up with them and finally have someone to talk with that isn't the EA or his other new BFF, two women with an agenda that is NOT to save my marriage. I have filled them in on much of the DB principles and they agree that pushing him and telling him they think he is screwing up will not work. He may be very surprised if he does open up to find they treat him respectfully and aknowledge that he is a grown up and he has to make his own choices. I will send them another email in the next few days to remind them. I know it is going to be very difficult for his mother not to tell him what to do, she is a lot like me!

Anyway, more later. Gotta get to work!