Picked up the girls and W from BWI. Plane was delayed out of Nashville, so we didn't get home until about 1:40ish.
W still isn't wearing her ring. That fantasy busted. Didn't expect her to have it on, but still, hurts. Of course got lots of hugs and kisses from the girls. Got the half-way to the side friend hug and a kiss on the cheek from W. Then she made a point to stand away from me. I know this already, but she really is set in her mind that it's over. The worst part is, I still don't have a good reason. She had mentioned in counselling that she could see me changing, but that she just wasn't sure she wanted to be with me anymore. Ouch, but OK, fair enough. But her whole it's over because I don't feel the spark and I can't feel the spark so it's over and you can't work at getting the spark because it might not come back because it's a spark and I don't feel that spark "logic" is really starting to pi . . . er, aggravate me. Lock that thought in a box and throw away the key.
Got home, brought the bags in. Helped the girls get into bed. Went upstairs to get my toothbrush (back to sleeping in the basement) and gave her another quick hug.
Talked to our oldest on the way back, she was asking me what I had done while I was back. I told her I started taking dancing lessons. It was dark, but got a sense of coldness from the W, like she got tense or disapproved or something (remember I had asked her to do this together, as a way to do something together that we always watned to do, but she declined. Actually, she just never responded, didn't even have the courtesy to decline.). Made some idle chit-chat on the way home. Nothing much. She was tired and had been fighting a headache, so wasn't really expecting much interaction from her. No problem with that, but a little interest in how I spent my time would have been nice. No interest expressed by her at all. Well, effe her. Sorry, had to get that out.
Well, tomorrow, er, today is a new day. Guess it's time to start DBing in earnest. I can't even say I'm on a rollercoaster yet, I feel like I'm strapped in and we're going down fairly quickly. Hope there's a bottom and a climb in the future.
Don't know if there are any Chris Rock fans out there, but he's got the bit about married men. One part is, you wake up, look yourself in the mirror and say "Effe you. Effe your dreams and what you want. Now. Let's get out there and make that bitch happy." Now, of course, what I want is to be happy with the lovely woman that I married. That's my dream. But it sure as hell feels a little bit like that right now, doesn't it?
BD
My latest
Me: 36 W: 35 2 D: 9 and 5 T: 16 years M: 12 10/4/06: Bomb 10/5/06: Ended A 4/22/07: ILYBNILWY
