It's going to be a bumpy ride

[Dom R]

Last night he said that once he is gone, he doesn't think he'll be back..but he could be wrong. At least he always throws the possibility out there-however remote that is.

WOW.. what a schmuck. that's just called "keeping his options open".

If he leaves, "Well, I told you i wouldnt be back".
if he comes back, "see? i told you I'd be back".

schmuck.

I am still torn about whether or not to date him. (Not have sex, just go do fun stuff-if he asks.)

He's definitely a cake eater....

After him saying that.. my vote is "go totally dark on the bum".

Dont emotionally support him until he finds someone else to date. Cut him off.

if you just cant stop yourself from dating him... STICK TO MORAL STANDARDS! dont be the pushover that he has despised you for!

Insist on exclusivity, if he wants to date you.
Make him work for the priviledge of dating you. You are a PRIZE, not a fallback.


remember: he will RESPECT you for sticking up for yourself.

He has told you that. Listen to him.

[Trixi]

Dom R-
You are totally and completely correct. I just buzzed thru Love Must be Tough and I have made some HUGE strategic errors. And now that his departure is a few days away, they would look silly to be employed this instance.

He HAS been telling me what to do (stick up for myself) and I have let both of us down. Argh!

I think that once he is out and I have my bearings, I will be able to say "Now that you've been out, I have had a chance to really reflect on things, and I'm not interested in being part of a harem....etc" My exact statement still needs work.

I have built a VERY strong case for why he SHOULD date me; "it wouldn't be a fair comparison to compare new and exciting to familar and boring" "I am changing during this process and you'll still be using the "old me" to compare" "Counselor says if we never see each other, we won't have the opportunity to "work" on the relationship", etc.

How do I UNbuild my case?

[Dom R]

It has been said, that "wayward" spouses, have very short attention spans. So, whatever you decide to say.. keep it short short short. No long elegant logical arguments.
And ESPECIALLY no "I'm changing" arguments. everything I read says that you should always let THEM notice changes in you, not argue "i've changed".

[an exception to this, might be if they accuse you, "you always xxxx", to which you could say, "yes, i used to do that. But I havent done that for months now, have i?"]

You might even keep it as simple as,

"I care about you. I'd like to date you, and have fun together. But I will not be a doormat. If you want to date me, then decide that you want to date *me*, and no-one else during that time. It's your choice; you're free to change your mind. But if you choose to date me, i will not be disrespected by you dating other people at the same time".

(you might even expect him to turn you down.
This is a test. Accept his decision.
See if he changes his mind in a few days, when he sees you mean it )

[Dom R]

PS: dont wait until he's "been out for a while".
your boundaries should be in place the MINUTE he is moved out.
NO SEX, NO NOTHING, until your strong for-you boundaries are in place, and understood, and respected.

"get your bearings" now. have a plan. be ready for it. use it.
you dont need to wait until he is out, to "start reflecting". You're doing that right now.

If he wants to treat you with respect, then welcome him.
If not, then leave him alone.


PS: usualy, the last thing men want to do is "work on the relationship". that statement will probably be relationship poison. i'd suggest not using it

[Dom R]

PPS: "standing up for yourself", does not have to mean "arrogant".

some people might take it as synonymous, and fall into speaking with a big [I'm good enough, maybe even too good, for you] attitude. I think it is possible, albeit difficult, to say these sorts of things, with quiet dignity, while still avoiding confrontational or condesending tones.

[Trixi]

So, the statement about only dating me would basically take care of me seeing if he wants to "work on the relationship", yes?

I saw my counselor this morning who said that when she was saying we should see each other once a week, it was because we were supposed to be trying to salvage the marriage. She agrees that if he is going to be 'dating' other people, then forget about it.

That will also help me 'unbuild' my case.

In retrospect, since he has been going out til all hours, to God knows where, I should have had him move out weeks ago. He is totally cake eating; it's no wonder he doesn't respect me. He still has not packed a single box. He was gone last night til 1:30- don't know where he was. He has been getting to have a great time at my (mental) expense. On one side he is getting to go out, drink, play, account to no one and then on the other side, he has his wife at home. That's a great gig!

I still need to formulate a couple of contingency plans for late night booty calls; sad sack calls; I miss you calls; etc.

[Trixi]

I download the bank activity and see that he spent $1400 at Costco. I knew he was getting a bed (I thought they were around $500 for the queen size) but what was the rest?

He bought a bedroom set for it. Great. We had discussed that he would just get a cheapy frame from Ikea and if we weren't able to reconcile *I* would get the queen and he would keep the king.
I was miffed and basically said "great-now if we don't work out and I get the queen, I also get a bedroom set that I didn't pick out." >:(

His father is coming tomorrow to help him move. Luckily, I already have plans for a good portion of the day. I am none to happy with FIL.

H is very distant right now. Fine. Whatever. Just get your a$$ out of the house. He got a call on his cell and is all "hahaha yeah, thanks man, yeah hahahaha" and then hangs up and goes back to being grumpy. Good grief.

[789]

If he is going out spending that kind of money, maybe you better start hiding your share of it before the balance hits ZERO.

[Dom R]

Yup.. you'd better make a separate account for yourself and put some money in there before he spends it all.

If he notices and asks why, you might tell him that you feel the need to be covered for lawyers fees in case he decides to push for divorce.
Which is the truth after all. its why you need the the money.

Do NOT ask first on this. If you have a few thousand in savings, move a few thousand out to where only you can get to it. Lawyers retainers fees start at 3,000, and sometimes are as high as 5,000. you have to pay that up front, before they will agree to take on your case fully (after initial consultation)

So, the statement about only dating me would basically take care of me seeing if he wants to "work on the relationship", yes?

I didnt quite follow what you said. so I'll say something else in reply to that

Dating you is not him "working on the relationship". Dont say that, dont even think it.

I think you are a very, very long way from him wanting to work on the relationship. I think you are back to a similar state of "dating" him. you are in the position of convincing someone you've never dated before, that he might want to date you long-term. Sad as that may sound.
I think you're in the situation of re-proving to him, that dating you can be fun and enjoyable, and stimulating at the emotional level.
he needs to see you as more than just a physical release and housekeeper
but its something you have to attract him with, not force him or rationalize him into.

disclaimer: all these suggestions are just based on stuff I've read about other people, in my year of separation now :-/


It's interesting that he hasnt started packing.
it's pathetic that, he doesnt have "mommy" (YOU) to help him pack, so he gets real-life DADDY to help him pack.
What is he, 60? going on 70? sheesh. selfish.


If he still drags his feet for some reason about actually moving, and still stays at your home.. you might play the role of slightly pushy but still appealing wife, and tell him that you want him to take you out somewhere fun (instead of him bumming around by himself "to all hours". But dont say that to HIM. this parenthesis is just for YOU.)

cant remember if you have kids, i think you do.. if so, make sure you have childcare so that you can stay out together AS LONG AS HE WANTS.. all night if the mood takes him.

[Dom R]

I think you are back to a similar state of "dating" him. you are in the position of convincing someone you've never dated before, that he might want to date you long-term. Sad as that may sound.

PS: I need to follow my own advice more