NikkiB #18

[NikB]

Thanks all for the support - appreciated, as always!

ST
Yeah, the showing him the reviews (on meetup.com) was to show him who was there - and also to show him it wasn't that Singles group I was going out with for awhile. In hindsight you guys are all right though, he's not sharing a lot of what he's doing (or when he is, he's sometimes omitting things or lying), so I don't really owe him that either.

I'll have to look around for another meditation/relaxation thing. The hypnosis that I'm talking about is really all about relaxation, too. I know people hear hypnosis and picture stage shows, but it's actually VERY effective for relaxation and stress. I actually had a friend with a lot of health problems who couldn't handle anesthesia - she had her spleen removed with NO anesthesia, no painkillers - just hypnosis. Pretty amazing. They used it on me when I was a kid to help with the pain management too. I can go under super easily and feel like I've slept for hours after only a few minutes.

Good way to look at it - I had more changes to make, and more I needed to do to make it all stick. I'll use this time for that, instead of freaking out.

jak
Heck yeah, works wonders for the PMA! I'm glad it's 'clicking' for me again.

SD
Thanks. I will definitely plan to go Thursday and try my best. If I really have a tough time at MC I don't know if I can do it (I'm not going into a roomful of strangers with red, puffy eyes... ). But my goal is to focus on the positive and the future, so I hope it will be an OK session.

OT
Thanks so much for that wording! You must've read my mind, my next question was going to be "OK so I stop telling him so much but HOW when he's asking for so many details?" I was trying to figure out how exactly to address it and having trouble. I didn't want to use H's approach (the vagueness, lying, snarky tones, etc.) but I also didn't know how to answer some of the really direct questions other than giving more info than I felt I should. All the ideas I was coming up with sounded either kind of rude or kind of snotty, and revolved too much around his behavior (sort of a "neener neener if you're going to play games with me I'm going to play games with you" tone). Yours is, obviously, much better and more in line with how I want the "new me" to address things!

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I'm feeling a bit better again today. Hooray! No major plans tonight but I do have some things to get out and do, so that'll be fun.

I forgot to even post last night some of the weird "semi-mysterious" things H was doing (and he continued them this morning). He really reminds me of the way he was last Dec/January all of a sudden. I realize this is all very H focused and I promise that I AM getting more detached, but wanted to share in case anyone has thoughts (or, in case I am missing something that I need to be watching out for to protect myself). This isn't even all of it, but some of the weirder examples:

- I asked for a check for H's portion of the house payment. (yes, we have separate checking accounts and always have - it worked better for us). He tried to check his balance online, came out of the office and said "Well now I know I'm an idiot, I can't even get into my own bank account."

- I helped him figure it out when he asked, and once he got in I saw that his balance was a lot lower than it usually is. I asked if he needed me to wait until he got paid to cash the check. He said no. I said "oh cool, so you get paid soon" (or something like that, it was a really casual comment). H said almost angry "I just got paid a little while ago." I probably went too far and said "Last week?" He said "Awhile ago, almost 2 weeks." Still just sounded pissed so I stopped even asking about it. I was thinking "Ummm ok.. well yeah, when you get paid every 2 weeks, that's kinda how it works... you get paid, some time passes, you get paid again..."

- Prior to the sep we had been paying extra on the mortgage each month. H paid most of the mortgage, I paid the rest and then put money into a "home improvement/emergency fund." During the sep we stopped the extras and split the mortgage 50/50. Since he's been home, we're each paying part of the mortgage, but no extra principle. We're also putting some in savings but not as much (so basically, we're both paying less towards the overall house/house savings, but still amounts we both agreed were fair). Last night he kept stalling on writing the check because he couldn't decide what amount to write it for (???). He was really being weird about it - kept getting out the checkbook, putting it away, looking at the mortgage statement, commenting on how it took so long to pay down principle, checkbook out and back away again. I was working on my fish tank most of this time so I wasn't talking to him about it, just saw and overheard him.

- H walked past the table and saw his passport app sitting there (they screwed the first one up so he is STILL trying to get his passport and has to send in a new app.) He says "See that? I can't do ANYTHING on my own." I asked what he meant and he said "The passport, I can't even do that myself apparently." (????) [my gut reaction was that I'm "mothering" or helping too much but I've been actively trying NOT to do that, only helping with things if he asks for help, etc... so who knows.. and I know, it may have had nothing to do with me anyway, it just seemed like it did.]

- This morning... more angst about the check. He's leaving for work and comes in, "You need a check for the house right?" Then can't decide how much to write it for. I said "It seems like maybe we need to sit down and discuss this again if we're changing amounts." H said "I'm running late for work," so I said "would you like to discuss it tonight?" He said no, wrote a check and put it in my purse, then told me the amount in a really serious tone. The amount was what we used to put in - before the sep. I asked if that meant he wanted me to start paying extra on the mortgage again, or if I should put more into savings (basically what "my half" should be since he was changing "his half"). He seemed irritated and said "Well that's how much we used to put in right?" Ooookay... no babe, I CAN'T in fact read your mind! (no I didn't say this, but thought it). Money was one thing we usually agreed on pretty easily, so now I'm really scratching my head.

Ok.. enough H weirdness for now. Back to focusing on ME!! and what I can do to get that PMA back up higher.