Here is a draft for my "Plan B" letter. Any help and comments would be appreciated. Thank you. --------------------
Wife,
This affair and it's aftermath have hurt me beyond my wildest imaginings and it's affecting my feelings towards you. I don't want to feel this way anymore and I need to protect myself from these feelings. To keep my feelings from getting any worse, I have decided to separate from you and initiate divorce proceedings.
I want us to stay married. I don't want to divorce from you. This is not how I wanted our life together to end up.
I have learned an awful lot about how I have contributed to our marriage troubles. I've worked very hard to right my wrongs and be a better husband and friend for you through counseling, books, taking better care of you, meeting your needs, etc. I owe up to my part in this and I assume full responsibility for my behavior in our marriage. I will still do what ever I can for you to preserve our marriage.
I want our girls to grow up with us both, together. I want them to grow up in their family with both of their parents. I want them to feel secure in their parents and their parents love. I want them to have the family that neither of us had growing up.
I want to work with you to create a new marriage and a new life, better than what we ever had before. I want us to be best friends, soul mates, lovers, parents, etc. To build a life where we both can be happy and fulfilled. A place we and our children can blossom.
As we have not been able to work through our differences and problems, I've decided to separate and initiate divorce proceedings. As our marriage is broken, so is our friendship. I do not want any contact with you in any way. No phone calls, text messages, email, personal contact, etc. Please respect this no contact.
I would like the joint checking account closed, all credit cards cut-up and credit holds placed on them. I will continue to pay off the balances. I would like to work out a visitation schedule for the girls where we both can see them equally. I suggest, 1 week on, 1 week off. We can adjust accordingly as their school and our schedules change.
I want us to keep our family and marriage together. I want us to put the past behind us and work together to rebuild our lives. I really don't want this separation and divorce. For us to rebuild our marriage though, these conditions will have to be met by you: -Cessation of all affairs. -Disclosure of all past affairs. -Disclosure of personal history. -Sincere and remorseful apologies to myself, children, friends and families. -Individual, Marriage and Family counseling. -No contact with XYZ. -Consideration to end relationships with friends, family, etc. who interfere with our marriage. -Complete openness and honesty. -Boundaries established between your family of origin and our family. -Commitment to financial and investment budgets. -A plan to rebuild our marriage, including Dr. Harley's concepts, Divorce Busting, etc. -Consideration to attend Sunday church services. -Testing for STD's. -Recommitment to wedding vows. I understand that these things may be hard for you, I know that they may be painful, but I will stand by you, support you, and help you through them.
Please respect my request for no contact at this time. I've asked Pastor ABC to be our intermediary concerning our children and our finances. All contact with me should be made through him.
I love you more than anything in this world and I want to stay married to you for the rest of our lives.
The letter is not bad but the list of things that she needs to do at the end I would leave out. I gave my W a similar list and it only drove her further away. If I was to to it again I would leave it up to her to figureout how she can rebuild the trust between us. Try something like this instead of the list.
"For us to rebuild our marriage trust needs to be rebuilt between the two of us. I am unsure how we go about rebuilding trust, but, we both need to make the effort to rebuild the trust that nolonger is there."
If and when she recommits and comes to you asking what she can do then make a suggetion off of your list. Otherwise I think it comes across as controling and pushes them away.
Hey all, Thanks for your responses. I'd posted this elswhere and a couple of posters helped me to rewrite it as the edited version above. They'd asked for more details also and came up with the edited version. My Oddesey is chronicled here: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...&gonew=1#UNREAD
I have already started divorce proceedings, actually, we did jointly. I am moving out this weekend. Although a funny thing happened on the way to the forum, as in this edited email I sent to a friend:
There has been some more drama at the Bobelina House: She called the FOM at his work today. FOM hung up on her. Told his FBS. Then the FBS called me. We talked awhile. This was the straw that broke the camels back.
I called my WS at work and told/asked her not to come back home. Told her the kids and I are leaving. We are taking all our things. We are not coming back. That I was now going to seek sole custody and have her evaluated before I let the children see her. The "evaluation" thing seemed to scare her. I stood my ground.
She called back later and tried to tell me I was overreacting, etc. I STOOD MY GROUND. No, I said. I am not overreacting. I told her that with her destructive behaviors and decision making this last year and a half, that I now feared for the childrens safety. And they are leaving with me.
I told/asked her to stay away at least until Wednesday as the children and I will be out on Tuesday. Or else I will involve the authorities. ------ So this letter is the "Goodbye" but "If you get your s**it together" letter. Hope that helps.
Bob, I was in Tulsa Mon-Wed. I came home Wed. and left Thurs for the lake. I got home Sunday and got subeonaed to OW's divorce hearing by her husband. I was doing a good job of Galing until then!
Where are you? It sounds like you had a lot of drama as well while I was gone. I'm sorry.
Yoyo
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
I talked with S Harley today from MB about my sitch and the Plan B letter. He agreed with it but thought it could use a bit more about WS's path back. It's interesting what people perceive of my sitch when I tell about it. I'd never thought of it as "bad" as it sounds to others, well accept the A buisness. But posting and counseling really start to change that and kinda help you see it differently. I was riding the coaster again (yesterday). She had left a heated voicemail that tweaked me. But the no contact thing seems to help as you don't have to hear things that tweak you. I really see the value in NC. I've not talked to or seen her since Friday, although she is still in the house. She hasn't stayed away. She left another voicemail after she went to work yesterday that stated she wanted to stay here in our house again last nite. I sent a message to her through counselor asking that she respect my NC request and not come back home till at least Wed. He called back saying that she said she had no where to go and didn't want to sleep in her mini-van and would leave in the morning. She also said she wanted to start IC with him after I moved out. She's been here most all day. And is here tonight. I've been shopping for, and moving into the new digs all day and the girls and I were cleaning it and organizing it this evening. My WS went to IC with my counselor today. She told the kids to tell me that. Interesting. The kids and I went to counseling with counselor and his wife last nite. Not much counseling for the kids, but they had a great time hanging with his wife. And they want to go back. Kewl. A lot of drama lately, complete with twists and turns. Tomorrow is the day the kids and I move out. Crazy.
