Nomopo Trying to Exercise Patience/Manage Emotions

[Nomopo]

And here's one from EAA (a relative newbie because he's been here two weeks and has about 10 posts, but clearly wise beyond his "years") to dlt1:

Dlt1,

I appreciate your responses to my thread, so I wanted to give back a little!

I am by no means, an expert...But I've had a chance to make some realizations, through trial and error, and I would like to share my thoughts, for what they're worth.

1. STOP TRYING TO FIX YOUR M. Seriously. Think of the M as a piece of paper. Nothing more than a legal document. Instead, remember all of the things that made you and your W sign that legal document. Before anything else, you were a good friend to her, right? Are you being a good friend now? Truly? If say, a male friend of yours was dealing with the death of a close family member, would you feel the need to pressure this friend? Or would you gladly and genuinely respect their space and offer a handshake? I'm assuming the handshake would be enough, even if this was a friend you REALLY cared about. Do that. Be a true friend and realize, for yourself, that the friendship that the M was based on may be more important than the legal document. Looking at it this way can make it easier to back off AND to help yourself. Friends shoudn't be pushy. Friends accept.

Next, remember that it was based on love. Love, love, love. Don't love like a H, love like a family member. Don't express it in words, but in actions. I have absolutely no doubt that your WAW loves you in this way, so be happy with it. Understand that her objective isn't to cause you pain, and be happy with that. Pain is just an unfortunate side effect.

2. FORGIVE! Do it for yourself. Forgive everything that has hurt you and forgive completely. I forgive my WAW every morning when I wake up alone. It works! You will feel better. You can't change what has happened, so don't think about it. If you count the days, the pain will mount up. Just let go of the past and deal with TODAY. Today may hurt too, but don't hurt for yesterday and tomorrow hasn't been written yet. Today is the only thing you have any real control over. Don't forget your ultimate goal, but don't focus on it. Instead, focus on a goal for each day, but remember where you're going. Does that make sense? Focus on happiness today. You can find some, if you look. Focus on that. Be thankful for any happiness and forgive any pain.

3. REMEMBER THAT SHE CANNOT HURT YOU. She already did, and that part is over. She has already told you the most devastating thing she can say, and you're still alive. Any more pain you feel is pain that you allow or even create in yourself. I'm not suggesting that you can always avoid the current pain. Not at all. There will be times when it's too much. But you can realize that it's YOUR pain and your responsibility. Any smile you crack during a day is better than the way you felt when she asked for a D. Don't let you hurt yourself. Only you have control of this.

4. DON'T BLAME HER. Understand that she did not plan this, and it hurts her too. Most likely, she's not trying to punish you by not returning texts or messages. She's just dealing with the pain in the best way she knows how. That's exactly the same thing you're doing. You've just found a better way. Take pride in that. And that's another reason to keep DB'ing! You know that what you're doing is best, so stand by it. She's standing by her way, right? Let her do it. In time, she may discover that your way is better.

5. DON'T CALL, TEXT, ETC. If you must, there had better be a good reason. If you MUST call occasionally, have a good reason. Even if it's a fake reason, make it seem real. Keep it very short and start out as all business. If you have time, make a quick joke or tell a VERY short funny story. If she laughs, be happy. If not, then let her be unhappy and distant. Her reaction shouldn't affect you negatively at all. Regardless of the reaction, get off the phone! Be happy with the moment you had and don't be greedy. Hang up first. It may feel like you're giving up on something that's going well. You're not. You're knowing when to stop it from getting worse. If you hang up while everything seems good, you both win! Both of you will have each had a pleasant experience for the day, and that will be what she remembers of you for the day.

6. LET HER FEEL PAIN. This one has been extraordinarily hard for me. I hate to see W in any kind of pain. My natural instinct is to comfort her and tell her that everything will be okay. But if you do that, you're showing her that she is in charge and you have no control. You're showing her that she has nothing to lose, because you'll always be there. Let her hurt. Let her heart crave happiness. If, like me, you simply can't stand it, change the subject to something lighter. Smile and be happy. She will have to deal with the pain on her own. Remember, the ball is in her court. Don't make it an easy decision for her.

7. BE HAPPY. I know you've read that a thousand times now, but it's true. If you fake it for awhile and make an effort, it will become real for you. You CAN be happy, but you may have to work at it. Find happiness in everything and focus on that. You are the only person that can control your emotions. No one else. So you might as well be happy. Being miserable isn't going to get you anywhere. It won't solve anything. Happiness will, at the very least, make you feel better...And at the most, make you someone your W would like to be with. In either scenario, you end up better than if you remained miserable.

8. CONTINUE WITHOUT CHANGE. Even if you feel that you're getting somewhere, don't change your attitude. If the situation seems to be improving, resist the urge to change your behavior. Keep doing exactly the same thing. It's obviously working, right? Then don't stray from it. I expect that she will be crytal clear when she's ready for the two of you to make a change together. Until then, stick with what you know works...Otherwise, you risk undoing all the good you've done.

You can do this! No matter what, remember that. YOU can.

Best of luck,

EAA

[Nomopo]

And one more from EAA, in respoinse to this from dlt1:

It just all makes sense to me. But translating my 'knowledge' into correct actions is difficult. After sleeping on it I've started to think that while she enjoyed the date, there was a vibe that it isn't enough. I find myself waiting for the hsoe to drop. I guess that's the patience end of it. I am VERY impatient in general. Luckily, I'm also stubborn, so my picture of where I am going as well as our M keeps me on track.
1st softball game tonite, a double header. That will keep me busy.

Leading to this:

Think of it like this:

If you want to drive to a beach in Florida, how do you get there? Do you just drive in the general direction and hope it feels right? Of course not! You follow a road map. You have very specific directions and you follow them.

Of course, it is possible to get to your destination without a map, but you'll get there faster and more easily by using one. And if you don't use your map, there's a good chance of not making it there at all, right?

And what if you take a wrong turn along the way? Do you give up and think there's no chance of ever getting to the beach? No! You turn around and find your way back and continue from where you left off.

But what if the road is filled with potholes? It's a bumpy ride and not very comfortable, but it is still clearly the best way to the beach, according to your map. You would still take the road, right?

Now here's a tricky one...A roadblock with no detour. What do you do? You start by turning around, then you break out your map and find a different way to get there!

You probably see where I'm taking this. All you need to do is follow directions. You have your road map...Use it!

If you take a wrong turn, correct for it! Get back on track as soon as possible. You're unfamiliar with your road, so use the map and use it often.

Bumpy ride full of potholes? Deal with the discomfort, knowing that it's still the best way to go.

But what about the road block? You can't pass it. The way you're going isn't working. You can't pass the road block. Time to do a 180! Spin it around, get your map out and try a different way!

Remember to stay fueled up! (Eat, sleep, etc.). DON'T SPEED! Go the limit. If you run out of fuel or go too fast, you'll get yourself into an even bigger mess.

You have the map. You have people (here) to help give you directions where the map is smeared or just doesn't seem to make sense. Use them!

I know it sounds like I'm making it overly simple. And I am. Sometimes breaking things down to their simplest form is what makes them the easiest to understand. Remember that it's your own mind telling you that it can't be that easy.

EAA

Great stuff guys! Thanks!

[Nomopo]

Damn. Just lost a mini-journal entry for this morning.

Gotta get back to work. More later.

[Kelley]

Nomo,
That is some good info. Thanks for posting it. It sounds so hard to practice tho when you keep bumping into a brick wall no matter what you do. How do you be friends with somebody that has built a brick wall around them? Things just have gotten worse for me as H just called yesterday to say he filed for the D papers. He doesn't want to have anything to do with me and is being clouded by the OW and the hurt that he still feels.

[Not Much Left]

I am printing this. Stamping it to my forehead.

[Lyrael]

Arky it is - northwest about 30 miles south of Branson - it is beautiful, and after miles and miles of flat cornfields, I am so ready!

Thanks for the posts of EWW's stuff - he really has his head screwed on straight.

Sunny - do you live in San Diego? My husband brought back pictures of the view from the convention center there, and it's so beautiful!

[Nomopo]

Hi L! I am so bummed I lost my mini-journal. I wanted you to see it. Oh well, try again later (late tonight or tomorrow most likely), ok?

(((((Kelly))))) I can't find your thread. Where is it? Also, short answer. This doesn't have to change anything. You can stil foloow DB for yourself and to give you a shot. People have come back from D filings. It does happen, so try not to feel hopeless. Keep focusing on you, GALing, etc. This will be best for you in every respect.

[alk24]

I like those quotes from EAA, very inspiring.

Nomo, sorry about losing your mini journal, hopefully you can get it posted tonight. I always look forward to what you have to say.

[SunnySeason]

Hey Nomo,

Thanks for the excellent posts from Ian & EAA. That's the beauty with your posts, you gather these to share with us. And they are a "Priceless Gift" to our ongoing journey (Not to mention they save our sanity)

The driving analogy is too perfect.


Sunnysideup

[Nomopo]

Hi Bella and Sunny. Sunny, I am glad people can share, but it's really self interest. I re-read my old threads from time to time and I like to find those kinds of gems here. (Note to anyone listening - re-reading old threads of your is a GREAT help.)

Kelley: My earlier response (above) to you was about the filing. Let me address this part:

It sounds so hard to practice tho when you keep bumping into a brick wall no matter what you do. How do you be friends with somebody that has built a brick wall around them?

Have you set goals (per Michele instructions)? You need to be looking for baby steps. Small signs of progress. Those walls aren't coming down any time soon. My Wife's walls are still up too. She stopped "working on the M" over six months ago. Small baby goals, and you'll feel better when you hit one. Then you'll be inspired to keep trying.

Nomo