Nikki, so sorry to hear that you are still going thru these things even months after he moved back in.
ST, does have a fairly good point about kicking him out of the house. I kicked mine out because of something I found that he wrote about this OW. Kicking him out only should be done if you are fairly certain that you do want him out. I thought I did at the time but it was before I found this site and learned about DB'ing. At least with them around , it does allow you to have more contact with them when they are around all the time as now, I feel like we are strangers when I see him. He never would have left on his own and I made it all that much more easier for him but I don't know if I could have been strong enough to handle him going out or staying out and me not knowing what is going on.
As far as alimony, the main factor is if he makes alot more money than you do. I asked a L about that and said that I wouldn't get a thing since we both make the same amount. Since your 401K are the same too then that shouldn't be touched since you both would be entitled to half of the other's.
Me: 41 H: 39 D: 6 S: 4 M-14 T-16 first bomb: 5-12-07 (M dead doesn't really want to work things out.) second bomb: 6-4-2007 (found note he wrote about wanting desperately to be with OW and would have to give up everything) Kelley
I say go to the meeting by yourself Thursday. I think you could really use it and it will give you an opportunity to share with her all the good things your H has been doing the last few months (before OW stepped in again). More than likely he is going to focus on a lot of bad things during his C so if you are able to share with her the good things I think that would be beneficial.
Also, remember when you did that relaxation class? picturing those bad things put in a box or something? Why don't you go to that again. I think it really helped you detach last time.
I definitely agree to be calm, non-emotional in your responses to H about texting or whatever to OP. Just say, "You already know how I feel about your contact, but I have realized that I have no control over that and I'm not going to let it control my life again. You know my answer, but ultimately, it is your choice to make not mine." and then, like SD said, leave and do something for yourself to control your emotions and get you back on the right path.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
I am finally getting a little of that stronger feeling back, like maybe I CAN actually detach and get my PMA back on track.
It's weird that it's so much harder now. I guess maybe it's because before, he wanted out and was being disrespectful/hurtful. Now he's "working on it" but STILL willing to do that to me?? Ouch. Glad I finally realized that though, I was finding myself lost as to why I felt so different now.
Donna Somehow I totally missed your post before, sorry!! Thanks for posting. The appt is on Thursday although it looks like now I'm going by myself. H still wants to go though so that's good.
Donna and SD - this next part answers some of what you both wrote.
My Dad's BD and the MC were my two big "plans" for the week - but decided I needed to do more "me time" things. So tonight I think I'm going to a movie with one of the meetup groups that I only met once, but really liked. Tomorrow maybe work on that love letter to myself.
I really do need to get my PMA back up. I used to be able to "force" it and I haven't even been able to do THAT this week. I can fake a smile but I haven't been able to make myself FEEL it. Not sure why.
Friday night H and I are going out of town to a concert and then a romantic B&B overnight (planned for a couple months now). I hope that goes ok, trying to act "as if" it will be great!! I absolutely love going to concerts and have only rarely been able to drag H to them (and not in years), so I was really excited that he actually WANTED to go to this one.
We were going to spend the whole weekend up there but now he has to come back Saturday to help his mom with some repairs at the family cabin... kind of bummed, but that might actually be better anyway. Saturday night I have a number of things to pick from which is pretty cool. A number of different meetup groups, friend who's going to be racing, or some other community type events that I could invite someone to. Not sure what to pick yet but I like having choices!
SD Thanks for the balloon reminder, I always liked that idea and will try it!
Wow that's quite a thought that he might be looking to get a reaction. I do feel sometimes like he WANTS me to get pissed enough to leave so he doesn't have to be the "bad guy" who left. I like that idea for how to respond. Need to get back to the calm, cool, collected for sure.
ST Yep, I'm going to do that on the MC. Thanks for the reminder to share the positives - it would be tempting to just complain about the bad stuff going on now, and I need to NOT do that. If this is all we had together there'd be nothing worth saving - gotta focus on all the GOOD things.
I do remember that relaxation class, and forgot I had gotten some hypnosis CDs awhile back. I think I'll give those a try. Unfortunately the class turned out to be kind of a nightmare. It was a meetup thing and the lady was great the first few times we all got together, but then started basically using it as a front to sell a bunch of nutritional products, so I didn't go anymore.
Kelley Thank you for checking in! I honestly was more detached and happier overall when he was out of the house - but I think that was because I was more focused on myself, and it's a state of mind I need to learn to get to regardless. Sorry it's making it harder on you having your H out of the house... although it's probably helping with your sanity, I bet.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
Thanks for checking in Larry!! Feels more like 1 step forward, 2 back, but I hope you're right instead.
Tonight was weird... I knew (via dumbass snooping) that H was going out "for a beer" with OW after work. My mind instantly went to "bonding" but I fought it off and thought who knows.. could be to break it off, right??
I had already planned to go to the movie and bought a cute new skirt to wear. Got home, got ready, and was about to write a note and leave JUST as H got home. I told him "Hey I decided last minute to go to a movie w/some friends, sorry but I'm running late so gotta go." I KNEW he just came from hanging out with OW so it was good it was so quick.
We saw Hairspray - FUN FUN FUN movie. It's not some kinda great film by any means but very up beat and I just loved it. Perfect timing. Met 4 girls and 1 guy from this meetup group, all of whom were very cool. This particular meetup really attracts my same age range so I'm excited for that. Plan to join them for happy hour on Thursday too... but it'll be after my MC session so see how that goes, first.
H was acting funny when I got home... asked to see the mortgage bill so he could see "how much we owe vs. house price." yuuuuck. But he also seemed really put off by me going out tonight so I wonder if some of it was game-playing (it felt like it with his tone, and for once in a few months I didn't take the bait so I was proud of that). He kept asking me if it was "all girls" that went. It was 4 girls, 1 guy.. I finally told him that then went online to show the "reviews" on meetup.com. One girl had written about the guy that he was "Hot and comfortable enough in his sexuality to go see Hairpsray."
Really like these girls, and hope I feel good enough to go out w/them on Thursday too.
As for the rest... I'm so confused, but I'm kinda in a "whatever" phase, right now. (which is better than where I was)
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
Also very cool to see you went out to the movies! and it looks as though H was jealous. Maybe you should have asked him how his plans went like you really didn't know.
Did you show H he reviews? was that to show him who was there or something? I'm thinking you don't need to "prove" to him anything.
That really sucks about the relaxation class. maybe you can find something similar? or at least use those cds. I'm not really for hipnosis, but I think relaxing is very important in dealing with stress and allowing our bodies to fight stress. That doctor website stresses skilled relaxation very heavily. that we should do it 20min every day...I think even twice a day. shoot, if only I could do that once a month!
the whatever phase is definitely better than the freaked out stressed out stage.
I know it's harder this time too because you've spent so much time trying to fix it, all these weeks/months and then you think you've done it only to find out it's still broken. So totally understandable. And really, it will be better in the end because truthfully I think you will say (or already have said) that you had more changes or revelations to learn and wouldn't have done so had this step back not happened.
well, hope you have a wonderful sleepful night tonight.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
Nikki,, St is right you do dnot need to explain yourself to H. Sounds like he might have been a little jealous. Try not to tell himmuch and make him wonder if he is about to lose you.
It's good to see you starting to detach again. Make your PMA go up doesn't it.
Who knows maybe if H thinks you are too busy getting a life he'll decide to join you and dump OW for good.
JAK
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
ITA with everyone else. You don't have to prove anything to H. Your word is truth, and he can accept it or not. That's HIS problem.
And...well, I say go out on Thursday no matter what. It's a diversion. You get to hang out with upbeat people, have a couple of drinks, and take a vacation from your sitch for a while. Go, choose to have fun, and enjoy!
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
If H is hounding you for details on your personal life, why not say:
"H, I need to be clear here. I am not going to be more into this R than you are. You are not an open book to me when it comes to your private life. While I think this is very messed up, I am not going to fight it. Instead, I will join you. My life is no longer an open book to you. If you would like to discuss on what points you want openness, we can do that and reach an agreement. If we do so, and you do not honor the agreement, then the agreement is off."
Thanks all for the support - appreciated, as always!
ST Yeah, the showing him the reviews (on meetup.com) was to show him who was there - and also to show him it wasn't that Singles group I was going out with for awhile. In hindsight you guys are all right though, he's not sharing a lot of what he's doing (or when he is, he's sometimes omitting things or lying), so I don't really owe him that either.
I'll have to look around for another meditation/relaxation thing. The hypnosis that I'm talking about is really all about relaxation, too. I know people hear hypnosis and picture stage shows, but it's actually VERY effective for relaxation and stress. I actually had a friend with a lot of health problems who couldn't handle anesthesia - she had her spleen removed with NO anesthesia, no painkillers - just hypnosis. Pretty amazing. They used it on me when I was a kid to help with the pain management too. I can go under super easily and feel like I've slept for hours after only a few minutes.
Good way to look at it - I had more changes to make, and more I needed to do to make it all stick. I'll use this time for that, instead of freaking out.
jak Heck yeah, works wonders for the PMA! I'm glad it's 'clicking' for me again.
SD Thanks. I will definitely plan to go Thursday and try my best. If I really have a tough time at MC I don't know if I can do it (I'm not going into a roomful of strangers with red, puffy eyes... ). But my goal is to focus on the positive and the future, so I hope it will be an OK session.
OT Thanks so much for that wording! You must've read my mind, my next question was going to be "OK so I stop telling him so much but HOW when he's asking for so many details?" I was trying to figure out how exactly to address it and having trouble. I didn't want to use H's approach (the vagueness, lying, snarky tones, etc.) but I also didn't know how to answer some of the really direct questions other than giving more info than I felt I should. All the ideas I was coming up with sounded either kind of rude or kind of snotty, and revolved too much around his behavior (sort of a "neener neener if you're going to play games with me I'm going to play games with you" tone). Yours is, obviously, much better and more in line with how I want the "new me" to address things!
---------- I'm feeling a bit better again today. Hooray! No major plans tonight but I do have some things to get out and do, so that'll be fun.
I forgot to even post last night some of the weird "semi-mysterious" things H was doing (and he continued them this morning). He really reminds me of the way he was last Dec/January all of a sudden. I realize this is all very H focused and I promise that I AM getting more detached, but wanted to share in case anyone has thoughts (or, in case I am missing something that I need to be watching out for to protect myself). This isn't even all of it, but some of the weirder examples:
- I asked for a check for H's portion of the house payment. (yes, we have separate checking accounts and always have - it worked better for us). He tried to check his balance online, came out of the office and said "Well now I know I'm an idiot, I can't even get into my own bank account."
- I helped him figure it out when he asked, and once he got in I saw that his balance was a lot lower than it usually is. I asked if he needed me to wait until he got paid to cash the check. He said no. I said "oh cool, so you get paid soon" (or something like that, it was a really casual comment). H said almost angry "I just got paid a little while ago." I probably went too far and said "Last week?" He said "Awhile ago, almost 2 weeks." Still just sounded pissed so I stopped even asking about it. I was thinking "Ummm ok.. well yeah, when you get paid every 2 weeks, that's kinda how it works... you get paid, some time passes, you get paid again..."
- Prior to the sep we had been paying extra on the mortgage each month. H paid most of the mortgage, I paid the rest and then put money into a "home improvement/emergency fund." During the sep we stopped the extras and split the mortgage 50/50. Since he's been home, we're each paying part of the mortgage, but no extra principle. We're also putting some in savings but not as much (so basically, we're both paying less towards the overall house/house savings, but still amounts we both agreed were fair). Last night he kept stalling on writing the check because he couldn't decide what amount to write it for (???). He was really being weird about it - kept getting out the checkbook, putting it away, looking at the mortgage statement, commenting on how it took so long to pay down principle, checkbook out and back away again. I was working on my fish tank most of this time so I wasn't talking to him about it, just saw and overheard him.
- H walked past the table and saw his passport app sitting there (they screwed the first one up so he is STILL trying to get his passport and has to send in a new app.) He says "See that? I can't do ANYTHING on my own." I asked what he meant and he said "The passport, I can't even do that myself apparently." (????) [my gut reaction was that I'm "mothering" or helping too much but I've been actively trying NOT to do that, only helping with things if he asks for help, etc... so who knows.. and I know, it may have had nothing to do with me anyway, it just seemed like it did.]
- This morning... more angst about the check. He's leaving for work and comes in, "You need a check for the house right?" Then can't decide how much to write it for. I said "It seems like maybe we need to sit down and discuss this again if we're changing amounts." H said "I'm running late for work," so I said "would you like to discuss it tonight?" He said no, wrote a check and put it in my purse, then told me the amount in a really serious tone. The amount was what we used to put in - before the sep. I asked if that meant he wanted me to start paying extra on the mortgage again, or if I should put more into savings (basically what "my half" should be since he was changing "his half"). He seemed irritated and said "Well that's how much we used to put in right?" Ooookay... no babe, I CAN'T in fact read your mind! (no I didn't say this, but thought it). Money was one thing we usually agreed on pretty easily, so now I'm really scratching my head.
Ok.. enough H weirdness for now. Back to focusing on ME!! and what I can do to get that PMA back up higher.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
