Hello will, that was the longest read i have had in some time. Let me preface some of this by telling you that I am originally a Jersey guy myself. Born in Livingston and raised in Morristown during my formidable years.
I believe that guys in or from jersey have one problem in common. We believe that the male must be in charge of conversations and we tend to overtalk everything.
Whenever my W and i used to talk I would swear to myself that I would shut up and listen. Then magically at some point in the conversation I would end up taking over and dominating the talking. A rule of thumb for you for future talks, a good listener always speaks less than their partner. Keep that in mind, it helps.
Your W believe it or not is showing some great signs. I know they are hard for you to see, but from the outside and watching many situations over time, they are very obvious to me.
Your W is aware that friendship is the core to solid relationships and marriages. Most women are. She is telling you she doesnt want to deal with or think about the R, do you know why? She doesn't know what she wants right now, she hasnt given up on your marriage yet, she's just not sure so talking about your R appears to be encouragement to her and she doesnt want to encourage you about something that may not happen.
Do not convince yourself that she doesnt want the marriage simply because of her avoidance of the topic. It's not how she will work through this. Be more concerned about her watching you, watching your changes, viewing how you behave and handle all of this. She wants to see that you love her, not hear it. She wants to know that you are going to be a good dad no matter what, she wants to see that you are working on yourself and your behaviors so that she knows that you arent simply blaming her for all the marital issues, and she wants to see if you can actually listen to her needs and meet them, when she says no R talk, can you honor that.
Understand that the EA means absolutely nothing to you. If it did matter she would not be working on the friendship together and cohabitating in order to develop that friendship. She would not agree to go to a counsellor with you or at least put up a fight. A picture of her with him with his shirt off means nothing, it's just a picture. Get that crap out of your head as quickly as possible.
Lastly, with the job that you have, you need to keep your head clear. One of the things that has worked for me has been my attitude and positive way of viewing things. I convinced myself that it doesnt matter what the outcome is to my marriage, what matters is me becoming myself again, doing everything I could to save my family, and faith that no matter what I would be ok with or without my wife. It is important that you get your mind right, your job is too dangerous not to. One of the things that helped me was scheduling mourning time. I set aside a hour every day in the morning to mourn my R and how it was going andmade me feel. I did not deal with it during work hours. Eventually this went to 30 minutes every morning, and now I do not even need that time. Give yourself a break, you dont need to spend 24/7 in order to save your marriage.
Your W is aware that friendship is the core to solid relationships and marriages. Most women are. She is telling you she doesnt want to deal with or think about the R, do you know why? She doesn't know what she wants right now, she hasnt given up on your marriage yet, she's just not sure so talking about your R appears to be encouragement to her and she doesnt want to encourage you about something that may not happen.
Ian, well put! Thsi also helps me see that W does not want me getting my hopes up. I keep asking myself why she isn't working harder. We need to appreciate that they are working. Look at her point of view and see that standing back from her initial thoughts of throwing in the towel is not easy for her. A lot of trust to make up.
You know, I find it hard to beleive Jersey guys can ever shut up! LOL I have a book at home: "Fighting for your marriage : positive steps for preventing divorce and preserving a lasting love" by Howard Markman
Me 32 WAW 30 D Bomb 7/9 Separated 7/15 Reiterated bomb 8/12 PA 8/21 http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#Post1198643
Oops clicked out too fast. This has some great communication i.e. listening skills. Uses the "Speaker, Listener" technique. Meant for couples to work together, but you can utilize it on your end to really learn to listen in a way that she knows you're listening. Hope that helps, I know it has for me.
Me 32 WAW 30 D Bomb 7/9 Separated 7/15 Reiterated bomb 8/12 PA 8/21 http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#Post1198643
Ian, thanks a lot for the advice, and your dead on the money with talking over people. I've learned a lot about being more understanding in the past few years, but the last 3 months have been me finding myself in overdrive! I'm working on everyone's advice, and feel good hearing the positive points that people see. The only thing that gets me, is that she seems and says that she's positive we're done. She says shes only willing to do therapy because she wants us to be friends after the Big D for the purpose of raising D, and because we strated as friends. I understand that i'm not supposed to believe everything she says, and I feel preety good most of the time (other than finding out something new like the other day!), but it is very hard to have hope when she seems so cold and certain. I'm faking the funk the best I can, but this SUCKS.
Thanks for the positive thoughts guys, when I feel down I come on here for a boost. You guys are the best! Ian, I certainly appreciate you taking the time to help us newbies, I'll be rereading your post daily to saok it all in an memorize it... thanks.
Me 31 W 28 D 2 1/2 Together 8 years, Friends for 13 years S Bomb fathers day 2007 Found out about EA on 07/29/07 Working on me!!!
The only thing that gets me, is that she seems and says that she's positive we're done. She says shes only willing to do therapy because she wants us to be friends after the Big D for the purpose of raising D, and because we strated as friends. I understand that i'm not supposed to believe everything she says, and I feel preety good most of the time (other than finding out something new like the other day!), but it is very hard to have hope when she seems so cold and certain.
At least part of the time (if not all of the time), she thinks she is certain. And she might be. Sometimes, they're just done. But there is a reasonably good chance she isn't really certain, or that she won't be certain down the road, or that she'll outright change her mind down the road. There are enough success stories out there with WAS who have been as "certain" as your W. Thus, the rule about not believing anything they say. (Plus, believing that "alien spew" is a real hit to your PMA.) So don't waste your time and energy worrying about those classic WAS lines; you'll need your t&e for your DB efforts.
Originally Posted By: Willing NJ H
I'm faking the funk the best I can, but this SUCKS.
Laughed a little when I read this. I said "this sucks" on my first (or second?) thread, and Ian told me: "Grrrr. Lose the 'this sucks.'" He was right. Attitude is a huge part of this, and you control your attitude!
Keep up the great work and attitude Will! You're off to a heck of a start!
Nomo
M 39 W 39 M'd 10 yrs; T 14 yrs S7 D4 Bomb 5-8-05 W not working on M 1-22-07; EA 2-22 DB 4-10 S 6-11 No more C Link
Hey will, not a lot to add to nomo's post. All I will tell you is that 12 months ago my wife said that she is done and D is the only answer as well. She still has not filed yet. She has seen a lawyer, but has not filed yet.
As crazy as this may sound, I am actually ok with her filing for D today. Not what I want, but I have gotten myself to a place where I am ok even if she does.
It's all about time, attitude, and inner strength my friend.
By the way, Nomo is right. I remember telling him to lose the this sucks thing, you do the same for me. Everyone knows this is not fun, but it is what we make of it......
Remembering that Ian, and seeing it unfold here again with Will, brought a little smile to my face. What goes around comes around, I guess, in a good way.
M 39 W 39 M'd 10 yrs; T 14 yrs S7 D4 Bomb 5-8-05 W not working on M 1-22-07; EA 2-22 DB 4-10 S 6-11 No more C Link
Absolutely Nomo, the good news is that you can see that it is all cycles that we each go through at our own pace. You doubted when I told you it would get easier, now look at you. Will is going to get that as well in time.
Lose the 'this sucks.'" 
He was right. Attitude is a huge part of this, and you control your attitude!