Hello will, that was the longest read i have had in some time. Let me preface some of this by telling you that I am originally a Jersey guy myself. Born in Livingston and raised in Morristown during my formidable years.
I believe that guys in or from jersey have one problem in common. We believe that the male must be in charge of conversations and we tend to overtalk everything.
Whenever my W and i used to talk I would swear to myself that I would shut up and listen. Then magically at some point in the conversation I would end up taking over and dominating the talking. A rule of thumb for you for future talks, a good listener always speaks less than their partner. Keep that in mind, it helps.
Your W believe it or not is showing some great signs. I know they are hard for you to see, but from the outside and watching many situations over time, they are very obvious to me.
Your W is aware that friendship is the core to solid relationships and marriages. Most women are. She is telling you she doesnt want to deal with or think about the R, do you know why? She doesn't know what she wants right now, she hasnt given up on your marriage yet, she's just not sure so talking about your R appears to be encouragement to her and she doesnt want to encourage you about something that may not happen.
Do not convince yourself that she doesnt want the marriage simply because of her avoidance of the topic. It's not how she will work through this. Be more concerned about her watching you, watching your changes, viewing how you behave and handle all of this. She wants to see that you love her, not hear it. She wants to know that you are going to be a good dad no matter what, she wants to see that you are working on yourself and your behaviors so that she knows that you arent simply blaming her for all the marital issues, and she wants to see if you can actually listen to her needs and meet them, when she says no R talk, can you honor that.
Understand that the EA means absolutely nothing to you. If it did matter she would not be working on the friendship together and cohabitating in order to develop that friendship. She would not agree to go to a counsellor with you or at least put up a fight. A picture of her with him with his shirt off means nothing, it's just a picture. Get that crap out of your head as quickly as possible.
Lastly, with the job that you have, you need to keep your head clear. One of the things that has worked for me has been my attitude and positive way of viewing things. I convinced myself that it doesnt matter what the outcome is to my marriage, what matters is me becoming myself again, doing everything I could to save my family, and faith that no matter what I would be ok with or without my wife. It is important that you get your mind right, your job is too dangerous not to. One of the things that helped me was scheduling mourning time. I set aside a hour every day in the morning to mourn my R and how it was going andmade me feel. I did not deal with it during work hours. Eventually this went to 30 minutes every morning, and now I do not even need that time. Give yourself a break, you dont need to spend 24/7 in order to save your marriage.
