Separated from WAW

[dlt1]

6. LET HER FEEL PAIN. This one has been extraordinarily hard for me. I hate to see W in any kind of pain. My natural instinct is to comfort her and tell her that everything will be okay. But if you do that, you're showing her that she is in charge and you have no control. You're showing her that she has nothing to lose, because you'll always be there. Let her hurt. Let her heart crave happiness. If, like me, you simply can't stand it, change the subject to something lighter. Smile and be happy. She will have to deal with the pain on her own. Remember, the ball is in her court. Don't make it an easy decision for her.

Best of luck,

EAA

Thanks EAA, this point really is the hardest for me. I can't stand seeing her hurt. She has to and will I know, but I would rather endure a lifetime of hurt than see her endure a second.

Our date was just short of fabulous. Didn't hurt that her driver, Tony Stewart, one the race. I believe I am now his biggest fan! We laughed, we talked, we reminisced, it was great. From things she said, I believe she would like this to work, but does not FEEL like it will. Told me her mother was supportive at first, but is now telling her how she should feel, and badgering her to make this work no matter what. I refuted MIL's overtures. reaffirmed that no on ecan tell her how to feel. Man, I was freaking out the whole time thinking "what am I saying? MIL is soooo right!" But told W I was finally grasping the fact that no one can tell another how to feel. You can disagree, but can not admonish another's feelings. I keep telling myself this was perfect. But...her undertone says to me she is convinced her feelings for me are platonic at best. I have decided she will be my best friend. Period. I went in for hug, laid it back to an arm around the shoulder hug. She leaned in, did not reciprocate, but no withdrawal. It was a friendly hug. She is my best friend. But am I hers. I am me, and will extend myself to her as a great friend. No more hopes for more. I want more, but I must put that aside. This sux, but too bad!
We have planned a long get together next Sunday. I have a week, to really let this sink in. While I'm flying high right now, have a feeling this is the apex of teh roller coaster, just about to plunge. I'm not sure how to reenforce these actions. I appreciate everyone's candor here. It's so easy to adivse/comment on your sitch's. I am thankful you do the same for me. So wierd being this happy, and this anxious/scared at the same time! Life ain't boring, that's for sure.

[Willing NJ H]

DLT1,

Thanks for checking up on my thread. Your picking this up quick, keep up the good work. I read a lot of your new posts, but had the hardest day so far today, and have no energy to post my advice right now. I'll check back soon, thanks for the support.

[Nomopo]

EAA - That was one heck of a post for someone registered for two weeks and having only made six posts!!! Way to go! And thanks!

Nomo

[dlt1]

Thank you all,
It just all makes sense to me. But translating my 'knowledge' into correct actions is difficult. After sleeping on it I've started to think that while she enjoyed the date, there was a vibe that it isn't enough. I find myself waiting for the hsoe to drop. I guess that's the patience end of it. I am VERY impatient in general. Luckily, I'm also stubborn, so my picture of where I am going as well as our M keeps me on track.
1st softball game tonite, a double header. That will keep me busy.

[EAA]

Think of it like this:

If you want to drive to a beach in Florida, how do you get there? Do you just drive in the general direction and hope it feels right? Of course not! You follow a road map. You have very specific directions and you follow them.

Of course, it is possible to get to your destination without a map, but you'll get there faster and more easily by using one. And if you don't use your map, there's a good chance of not making it there at all, right?

And what if you take a wrong turn along the way? Do you give up and think there's no chance of ever getting to the beach? No! You turn around and find your way back and continue from where you left off.

But what if the road is filled with potholes? It's a bumpy ride and not very comfortable, but it is still clearly the best way to the beach, according to your map. You would still take the road, right?

Now here's a tricky one...A roadblock with no detour. What do you do? You start by turning around, then you break out your map and find a different way to get there!

You probably see where I'm taking this. All you need to do is follow directions. You have your road map...Use it!

If you take a wrong turn, correct for it! Get back on track as soon as possible. You're unfamiliar with your road, so use the map and use it often.

Bumpy ride full of potholes? Deal with the discomfort, knowing that it's still the best way to go.

But what about the road block? You can't pass it. The way you're going isn't working. You can't pass the road block. Time to do a 180! Spin it around, get your map out and try a different way!

Remember to stay fueled up! (Eat, sleep, etc.). DON'T SPEED! Go the limit. If you run out of fuel or go too fast, you'll get yourself into an even bigger mess.

You have the map. You have people (here) to help give you directions where the map is smeared or just doesn't seem to make sense. Use them!

I know it sounds like I'm making it overly simple. And I am. Sometimes breaking things down to their simplest form is what makes them the easiest to understand. Remember that it's your own mind telling you that it can't be that easy.

EAA

[dlt1]

EAA,
Thank you for the breakdown! This really is a good way of explaining/looking at things. I think I'll have to dig out my map of New Orleans (one place W and I love, but have never been able to go togther since Hurricane and our schedules). I find having little 'reminders' like that keeps my focus.
Last night I found myself lonely and thinking about the what ifs. Talk about yor thoughts getting better of you. It's those times I so badly want to call and say hi. I battle the indecision b/c the begging/crying/pleading really lasted the night of the bomb and then the next day when I got W to agree to 30 day separation. I immediately went into fix it mode and found DR book and this site within days. So, my 180 from what got me here would be to pay more attention to W. Actively be involved with her. She said I would act as if she wer enot even there sometimes. After the bomb she says she needs space. Hasn't said this lately, but I beleive that is b/c I have given it to her pretty well.
I'm thinking of bringing up an R talk, not too in depth. Just to let he know I want to call every day, but understand she needs space. I want to be sure she knows that I miss her so much everyday we are apart.
Anyone have thoughts on whether this good or bad. Or perhaps a better way to convey this?
Thanks for the help,

[Atlas]

dlt1,

your w sounds a lot like mine, same things being said. my 180 is to be there for her. i don't hover, i don't call, but when she needs i am there to fill in the gap.

use the road map idea. keep the journal, have overall goals, then weekly, daily, and i even write down goals each time we meet and usually sit in my car a few minutes reviewing prior to entering the scene. just helps to maintain focus. also, each interaction, think how this will go positive if your positive.

[dlt1]

One problem to getting the map is it's at our house. I'll be there sometime this week, just have not decided when. Probably during the day while she is gone. Aha! Now I have a good reason to call her, b/c I would not stop by without letting her know.
I have been thinking all day about calling her today. One, b/c I miss her. Two, to offer to stop in on dogs Thurs so she does not have to rush out of work to take care of them before her C session. Three, b/c I do want her to feel like I am OK not talking to her all week. Four, did I say I miss her.
I find myself fantasizing about W several times a day. I haven't felt like that since very early in our M. It is great and sux at the same time.
Problem, I am also thinking about a female friend more often. She is involced with someone else who is away. We have had a budding friendship over the past few months, but only really talked/hung out like closer friends in the past few weeks. I have declined, or not pursued, activities with her b/c my mind is clouded and I may be trying to find something in her that I can not get from my W right now. Nothing physical, but worried about something happening emotionally for me. Anyone else have thsi experience? I am committed to my W as long as we are still M.
Ok so mych for a short msg.
Thanks Atlas, I need to go back over my goals and start setting ones daily and for each meeting. I think it's time to reread DR instead of just reviewing parts. Kind of slowed down after diving into several books.
Last thing...I think! I have given up drinking Monday - Wednesday. Mostly b/c a friend did and dropped his extra pound in no time. (i have about 15 I could do without). But also b/c when I was at home, I would carack one open pretty soon after work, and not stop til bedtime. I found myself increasing that now that I am away, and not liking it in the a.m. I had been there b4, but never took action. So this will be healthy mind and body. I want to focus on my W when I return home and that was one thing that contributed to our drifting.
Ok last last thing. I am also attempting to become a morning person. I've always relished sleeping in late after a late night. But I'm not single anymore, no 2 a.m. stumbles to the bars. My W gets up every morning to walk the dogs. She works harder than me, but I always get to sleep. I am going to work on getting up so I can walk with her, and just take them my self somedays when she goes in early. Or on weekends. She is always tired in the evenings, and it would frustrate me that she was not up for long evenings. But i did nothing to help.
Well, I guess I have more goals now. Thanks for listening!

[Willing NJ H]

Dome great stuff DLB, The only thing I can say id keep being strong when it comes to your thoughts and actions about your OW. If you slip with her, you could destroy everything. Your the one who wants to fix this right now, an EA or any A period, will put the final nail in your coffin. I just found out about my wife's EA, and it hurts like hell, don't do it if you want to save your M. Your doing great, stay on track and keep learning.

[Atlas]

dlt1,

i still am stoked for the time your spending with her. the fantazing sucks, i'm there too. back off from the other women, she is in a relationship, while it isn't ideal, she is in one, and your head isn't right at this time. i know mine isn't, the temptation would be too high. never cheated on any girl i dated, my w, and never would, but i am a man.

your doing great and getting great results. keep reading dr, i find new stuff every time. that book has so many views for diffrent sitch's it is important to not stop reading it and thinking about it.