Called him, not coming home.

[yawmom]

I just called H - been a month and a half since he told me he loved someone esle. He's a OTR driver, she worked at a stop as a secretary (< so he says). Well, it use to be 4-5 calls a day and ends with I love you, but that happened in a long time.
I had no clue this would happen, nor his buddies. I thought it was MLC, but not sure now.

So tired of being depressed and missing him, I called and told him to make a choice- either come home or not. He said he'd come and get his stuff. His choice is made then eh?
I've loved him for 25 yrs, and he can just leave like that huh? I've read the books, but it's hard to work on a marriage when the H isnt' around.

She's a druggie (4yr record), and has been in jail for 2 months. She got a calling card and has been calling him. They have that in "common" he broke away from a drug addiction close to 20yrs ago--I said we have kids, home and marriage in common!!

Anyway--I truly love him, I want my marriage to work (told him that too) but just can't be in limbo for her to get out of jail and him take off with her. I deserve more than that. I am better than some drugged up whore. <<sorry!

This is the hardest decision I've ever made, but I'll follow the book and see if he decides to wake up, if not then I guess I've got to somehow go on. I've prayed and prayed, and tried to keep busy--no matter what my mind wanders back to him. So dang hard.
MLC is one thing, but an affair with that choice is a slap in the face.
I will do TLR and see if anything changes. I have hope but I actually feel better knowing where I stand. Almost a relief, since I was in limbo, his quote is "I didn't way you had to wait for me" << I had told him I was trying to be patient and understanding but with his OW calling him and him not being in touch with me is hurtful. Now I know where I stand and I can move on, I'd love for him to "wake up" but he'll have to learn the hard way. Damn shame.

[Rollercoasterider]

I called and told him to make a choice- either come home or not. He said he'd come and get his stuff. His choice is made then eh?

No, you gave him an ultimatum. If you force a decision, there is not choice in it. what you did was remove his choice.

it's hard to work on a marriage when the H isnt' around.

And darn near impossible to work on your Self with an MLCer living in the same house.

She's a druggie (4yr record), and has been in jail for 2 months.
...I am better than some drugged up whore.

MLCers affair down. This is normal. Now rejoice that she is so far down...the lower the OW the less likelihood of anything lasting. I was glad Sweetheart chose the lowest form of OW, desperate, needy, alcoholic, faked prgenancy threatened indirect suicide, stripper daughter lived at home--under house arrest. It wasn't going to last. Sit back and watch this movie form the sidelines.

I said we have kids, home and marriage in common!!

...I want my marriage to work (told him that too)

What an MLCer will hear: I will pressure you and make you for guilty for your actions. I'm going to do this whether you like it or not--and hound you about it.
How an MLCer will React: RUN AWAY

This is the hardest decision I've ever made, but I'll follow the book and see if he decides to wake up ...I will do TLR and see if anything changes.

What timeline are you looking at for this--for how long will you follow the book or try Last Resort?

MLC lasts 2-7 years. Last Resort--well in MLC that isn't going to fix him or your marriage in what most would consider a timely manner. DB'ing is for YOU--to find your strength, self-confidence, peace...to find your SELF. And yes, the End goal may be to save your marriage--it was mine. But to do that, you must first fix yourself. Db'ing sets a foundation for him to return on HIS timeline--not your timeline.

MLC is one thing, but an affair with that choice is a slap in the face.

MLC and an affair are not two separate things. ALmost all MLCers have affairs--ALMOST ALL. It is an MLC symtpom.
If you feel a slap on your face, you are taking his actions personally. The actions are self destructive--this is about him NOT YOU. Sadly, you are the closeest to him and there is shrapnel. DUCK.

I'd love for him to "wake up" but he'll have to learn the hard way. Damn shame.

Almost all 'wake up'...eventually. That doesn't mean we see it often on the board...because most don't stick around long enough.

MLC and your journey are blessings. Everything happens for a reason, and everything brings opportunity--you make it what it will be.
Thus it will only be ashame if you make it so. Focus ont he positive outcomes and personal growth--and you will be amazed by the blessings...one of which can be a better marriage than ever.

HUGS,
RCR

PS: What makes you think this is not MLC

[yawmom]

I can't tell if it's MLC or not, from what I've read (a ton) the H in MLC turns on his wife, blames her, is moody, negative, etc. I don't really know what he feels other than she makes him feel attractive. He told me he loved me, was romantic, had sex etc.
I'd love for him to come home, but I really can't wait years, when he's gone non stop and I have little or no contact with him.
As you said, TLR won't work, so I'm just suppose to sit and wait and see if he comes back? I am rebuilding my life, I've walked, gone out with friends, try to keep busy. Yes, I'm trying to fix me but I guess I dont' understand how I'd "win" him back or how he returns by just biding my time when he's not around.
so what's the suggestions?

[yawmom]

p.s. so you think I need to retract my threat? What? Tell him I'm ok and go on with your life?
When I told him I wasn't going to sit around and wait and him pick her up from jail and go on their merry way, he told me that he expect me to wait around...

[Rollercoasterider]

from what I've read (a ton) the H in MLC turns on his wife, blames her, is moody, negative, etc. I don't really know what he feels other than she makes him feel attractive. He told me he loved me, was romantic, had sex etc.

Not all MLCers blame--Sweetheart didn't. Sex may be better...at least at the beginning. Sex was great until the OW relationship went physical--Sweetheart said I'd know it had when he stopped doing stuff with me. Had he tried to be intimate with me while in an open sexual relationship with someone else, I would have said NO!

so I'm just suppose to sit and wait and see if he comes back?

No...you do as said you are doing in the next line--rebuild your life.

I guess I dont' understand how I'd "win" him back or how he returns by just biding my time when he's not around.

So which is it...are you biding your time, or rebuilding your life?

You don't 'win' him back either. You get a life. Get involved. You do not need a man to have fun. MAny people out there are single and not in a relationship...an dnot just twiddling there thumbs until a relationship falls out of the sky.

When I told him I wasn't going to sit around and wait and him pick her up from jail and go on their merry way, he told me that he expect me to wait around...

That's probably what he's seen you doing. SHOW him you aren't going to wait around for him. Be busy when he's around...No, very moment he's home doesn't need to be spent with him. Go out. If you don't have anywhere to go...find something. I went to the library when I was No Contact from Sweetheart...and his imagination was racing...because he kept stopping by and I was gone.

so you think I need to retract my threat? What? Tell him I'm ok and go on with your life?

No. Do nothing. No telling...you will show, it is means more.

HUGS,
RCR

[yawmom]

Well, I blew it big time, couldn't stand it and let loose. I called him again and asked why I meant nothing when the day before the news of the OW the conversation always ended with I Love You...always held hands, sex , etc.
Now he's chosen such a low class druggie (savior complex) and "you don't know her".
I wish I could let go, I'm trying to step back...I NEED ANY KIND OF HELP PEOPLE...I know I've done the wrong things, prob back to square one, but would like input.
I've been trying to be busy << so hard. Trying to move on.
PLEASE!!

[butterflymom]

Yawmom,
It's tough to step back and detach at first. Really really tough. You need to enlist the help of friends. If you don't have any close friends call up some old ones or try to find ways to make new ones.

I found my best friend during the time my H was gone the first time. I found her in a most unexpected person too, my H's first OW. Long story. It's posted somewhere in one of my threads.

The reason I tell you that is to let you know that you can find friends even if you think you can't. There are people out there. When you want to call him, pick up the phone and call someone else. Reach out to others besides him. If you can't think of anyone to call, get online and post here. Read other threads to try to gain advice that has been given to others to try to apply to your situation. Go for a walk, go shopping and leave your cell phone behind, but try not to call him right now. Let him cool off. Let you cool off.

It's tough I know. I've been there, but you can detach. It is possible even if it doesn't seem like it now.

BFM

[yawmom]

What's painful is seeing all these posts that mention divorce that they are going through, yet the website says DB. I want my marriage to work, so bad I want it, but it bothers me that the posts are mostly about divorces.
Fact of life I guess.
I'm so worried and I can't understand his thoughts, or how he can protect her rather than me.
This is so unlike him.
The only bright spot I have is hoping he gets burned big time, reality hit between the eyes. Vengeful eh?

I had told him I wanted my marriage to work, but apparently he doesn't plan on coming back anytime soon. I keep thinking he's busy and I meant nothing, me on the other hand can't help thinking of him (and her) no matter how busy I get.

He says we need to get together to discuss the bills..I don't want to see him cuz I dont' think I could keep it together. Feels like the end of my life.

Am I suppose to pull back and see what happens? I know you all will tell me that life goes on, but I do love him and want him back and the website gave me hope til I read the divorce postings...scary, very scary.
Have I gone nuts?

[butterflymom]

You haven't gone nuts. Most of those getting divorced are doing so because they decided they couldn't do it anymore. Some are from the WAS, but most that are popping up recently are the other way around.

If you want some good news read ANew2moro's thread, or Brand New Day, or Bruenieapp. There is good news out there.

When you catch yourself thinking about her and him invision a big huge STOP sign and start thinking about something else, something pleasant. Sounds hokey, but it works.

BFM

[Rollercoasterider]

Backsliding happnes. It's over...let it go.

Now...no calling him. No contacting him, no initiating relationship talks...
And no asking him questions--this will force him to give answers you don't want to hear. Often those answers aren't real...but he figures it's the nly way to get through to you.

Detaching and Letting Go take time. Give yourself that.

And be grateful that he chose a low-class druggie--we all hear the you don't know her comment. When it comes to affairs...the lower the better.

You aren't back to square one. This is all part of the process of your growth. We all do this in the beginning. And we eventually find ourselves and feel strong instead of desperate.

HUGS,
RCR